My Biggest Trigger Arrives!

[A Work in Progress]

My Biggest Trigger Arrives!

Thanks, Kate, and that doesn't sound harsh at all. You are exactly right. Things are finally moving into that direction with my mother... I have just dictated "drinking dosage instructions" to her current caregiver, over the phone, while I was driving away from her house (after secretly dropping off groceries... we did not want her to know that I was the one who left them, so she can start to get used to the idea that her caregivers will be doing the grocery shopping with her)...

so, I am driving along with my windows down yelling into my cellphone (poor connection): "THE VODKA IS UNDER THE SINK! SHE CAN HAVE TWO VERY WEAK DRINKS OF VODKA AND ORANGE JUICE! LOTS OF ICE! AND IT WOULD BE GOOD IF YOU WOULD PRETEND YOU ARE DRINKING WITH HER!" God knows who all might have overheard some or all of that...

Happy to be home now, not trying to be in my mother's presence during her dreadful cocktail hour...

wip

[gyco]

My Biggest Trigger Arrives!

wow have u got a load,when she drinks dont you,maybe she ll get the nessage,no sense in tryin to talk to her,tell her ,when she drinks you have to leave,quite easy,if she understands fine,if not leave,or WHAT your choice gyco sorry if i seem not so sympathetic

[wonderworld]

My Biggest Trigger Arrives!

A Work in Progress;370726 wrote:

I have just been on this tightrope of trying to do my best for her without getting destroyed in the process. It's really difficult!

the entire history of my life with my family of origin. what a crew :upset:

the other thing that really jumped out for me - not giving a wit if her drinking affects you, but "disappointed" that you didn't stay. oh the joys of a narcissistic parent.

Water the vodka. Better yet, replace it with water .

WW xox

[wonderworld]

My Biggest Trigger Arrives!

and keep your boundaries in tact as much as possible. duh, I know.
Let the care-givers do just that- give care. When it comes to exposure to Mom, I say try to moderate . She'll do what she do either way, you know? You're at the beginning of a new sobriety and you don't need any extra shennanigans. And you don't want to re-establish a pattern where she relies on you too much again emotionally. This is a fresh start all around you know? And your future is full of new possibilities.

(this is the very same advice I have for myself )

Good luck!!!

WW xox

[Gret]

My Biggest Trigger Arrives!

Thanks for the thread, wip. And I will try to be an anthropologist! My sister is a piece of work. We do laugh a lot, but boy can she get mean. Like my mom did. And it is true, we can't always avoid all our triggers, but maybe by the time we leave for vacation, I can come up with something to make me stronger through it. I don't even crave a drink right now, but I think it could be easy to fall into step with the others there. (Sister, bro-in-law, hubby.) The two men don't drink too much, it's just dear sis. Then the evening will revolve around her. I've always just gotten drunk too to get through it.

[MyHeartIsDrenchedInWine]

My Biggest Trigger Arrives!

Pour a glass of OJ on the rocks, then pour a couple of drops of Vodka on the top, she only needs to smell and taste the first sip....voila.....an almost sober Mother.

As for the rest of it......You deserve a medal , my dear



:grouptrophy:

[A Work in Progress]

My Biggest Trigger Arrives!

You are all just GREAT, thanks so very much for all your support and help... there just cannot be enough said about how difficult it can be to deal with elderly parents... our culture simply INSISTS that all mothers are sweet wonderful people who lovingly gave us wonderful upbringings, and that of course we should be spending quality time with them, and stepping in to help them as they age... and that rosy simplistic version is RARELY true, it is usually something somewhat less perfect and wonderful... and OFTEN it is really a whole different (and very grim) story.

And yet we have absorbed the messages of Hallmark Cards, and the rest of society, that says we are to love and care for our wonderful old mothers (and/or fathers, of course)... and even if we suffered quite a bit of neglect and/or abuse at their hands (and especially if they were alcoholic or druggies), there they still are, in the flesh, demanding/expecting that we take care of them, and we feel that we must...

My dilemma in part (to look at it from an entirely selfish perspective) was that I knew I could not live with myself if I just walked away from her. And as she became more helpless and disorganized, that meant more and more interaction with her. So I was damned if I did, damned if I didn't. Felt like crap, either way. And so I made it all better (lol!!!) by getting drunk every night! Ha!

The other part of my dilemma is that I truly do love her. I have hated spending time with her, and it has been endlessly painful to me, but I love her and care about the quality of her life. I don't want anyone abusing or neglecting her. Nursing homes, hospitals, and assisted living places scare me. They can be wonderful... but it only takes one crappy staff person to make an old person's life miserable... or to injure or kill a frail, demented old person. You have to keep a close eye... and that eats up your life, too, if your parent is in a "facility."

[And, Gret, of course the same thing goes, in many ways, for sisters, brothers, for other family members who we love and who are in places where they are hurting both themselves, and us... ]

Really, I am so grateful that she got SO disorganized that I was able to get control of her checking account so that I can, for a while (probably for long enough, she is 88), pay for in-home care for her... and I know that is NOT an alternative for most people. I shudder to think how it might be if we were relying entirely on my own income/savings to deal with this situation.

yes, let's support each other... it makes a BIG difference...

wip

[A Work in Progress]

My Biggest Trigger Arrives!

p.s., Heart Drenched, I LOVE the cocktail recipe!! When/if she comes over to my house for dinner, that's exactly what I will do!

wip

[KateH1]

My Biggest Trigger Arrives!

WIP, It sounds like you are coming up with a way to make this work for both of you! I had to laugh at the thought of you doing a "Drive By".......dropping off the groceries!

You are really a good daughter. Your mom is lucky to have you in her life. Old age is not easy. I see this with my father and others who are far worse off than he is at the place where he lives. He has his own little apartment. He still drives (dear g-d save everyone else on the roads!!) He has long term insurance that pretty much pays for everything, otherwise this would not be possible.

Oh! this is funny. My father has always been a supreme control freak...also pretty nasty....so, they have a WII Bowling league where he lives......he is livid that some players, "play wrong"......this is "virtual bowling"!!!!! But, he is still complaining!!

KH

[Gret]

My Biggest Trigger Arrives!

It's hard with elderly parents at all levels. They become the children and it's hard. My dad hung the moon, I grew up thinking he could do nothing wrong and the rest of the world was wrong at times for not agreeing with him! Now that I'm an adult and do some things to help Dad out, I see what a jerk he can be. Still sweet as ever, but not the idol I thought he was. And he's difficult about how things should be done too!

[wonderworld]

My Biggest Trigger Arrives!

A Work in Progress;371193 wrote:
My dilemma in part (to look at it from an entirely selfish perspective) was that I knew I could not live with myself if I just walked away from her. So I was damned if I did, damned if I didn't. Felt like crap, either way.

Again - thanks WIP for telling this part of "our" story and saving me the trouble LOL!!!:H

But I just want to say...... I'm in the same shoes with my mother and older sister. I cannot just cut them off. And yes, as awful as they are and can be, I do love them too. And not only that, I feel this is a pretty serious (!) karmic condition I have to work with, not just get rid of. My very first Dharma book was "The Wisdom of No Escape" by Pema Chodron. I knew she was dealing it to me straight :upset:

So, like you, I struggle to find the middle path and to love us all to the best of my ability. Knowing, REALLY knowing, finally, that IF the practice doesn't start with me, the rest is hopeless.

My Mom is away for 2 weeks - you are really helping me prepare for her return lol! :thanks:

WW xox