It'll take more than a week to fix it."
I read this quote here the other day (don't remember from whom, or I'd credit). And it's been rattling around in my head, stirring up thoughts.
A part of me denies that "my life has gone to Hell". I still want to believe that I'm healthy and strong. I've just been making bad decisions (again and again and again and again...), each of which has kept me temporarily weak, but once I start making a different decision, I'll be my old self again.
But.... that's not really true. More than just making bad decisions, I've been cultivating bad habits. Procrastination is a big one, and my professional life is somewhere between stagnant and failing as a result. Avoiding almost all social contact is another, and I have very few friends and a lot of loneliness as a result (though I've always been a social phobic, and dealt with various levels of loneliness for most of my life). And it's even more fundamental than just "cultivating bad habits" -- I've built a new identity, a new sense of self.
I think the biggest loss is my ambition for growth. I remember being an undergrad. I was learning tons of science, but also reading a lot of philosophy, and forming relationships more profound than I'd had before. And it felt like the world was expanding around me. New perspectives, whole new ways of thinking. And it was thrilling. I'm in academia because the pursuit of new understanding is one of my main motivations. Or at least it used to be. Now, not only isn't the world expanding, I don't even want it to. I want to be safe enough and comfortable enough to get through the day. I hardly read the new literature for my field. Just enough to get just enough done so that I don't lose my job.
"My life didn't go to Hell in a week; it'll take more than a week to fix it."
I am not my old self. And I can't return to being him just by deciding not to drink. In fact, I can't return to being him at all. Time only flows forward. If I don't like my present self (and I don't), I have to build a future self that I do like. Hopefully I can re-create some of the good parts of my old self, keep the good parts of my present self (I'm not all bad, even now), and maybe find some new good parts. Some areas to grow, again.
But it'll take more than a week.
peace,
lilnev
I read this quote here the other day (don't remember from whom, or I'd credit). And it's been rattling around in my head, stirring up thoughts.
A part of me denies that "my life has gone to Hell". I still want to believe that I'm healthy and strong. I've just been making bad decisions (again and again and again and again...), each of which has kept me temporarily weak, but once I start making a different decision, I'll be my old self again.
But.... that's not really true. More than just making bad decisions, I've been cultivating bad habits. Procrastination is a big one, and my professional life is somewhere between stagnant and failing as a result. Avoiding almost all social contact is another, and I have very few friends and a lot of loneliness as a result (though I've always been a social phobic, and dealt with various levels of loneliness for most of my life). And it's even more fundamental than just "cultivating bad habits" -- I've built a new identity, a new sense of self.
I think the biggest loss is my ambition for growth. I remember being an undergrad. I was learning tons of science, but also reading a lot of philosophy, and forming relationships more profound than I'd had before. And it felt like the world was expanding around me. New perspectives, whole new ways of thinking. And it was thrilling. I'm in academia because the pursuit of new understanding is one of my main motivations. Or at least it used to be. Now, not only isn't the world expanding, I don't even want it to. I want to be safe enough and comfortable enough to get through the day. I hardly read the new literature for my field. Just enough to get just enough done so that I don't lose my job.
"My life didn't go to Hell in a week; it'll take more than a week to fix it."
I am not my old self. And I can't return to being him just by deciding not to drink. In fact, I can't return to being him at all. Time only flows forward. If I don't like my present self (and I don't), I have to build a future self that I do like. Hopefully I can re-create some of the good parts of my old self, keep the good parts of my present self (I'm not all bad, even now), and maybe find some new good parts. Some areas to grow, again.
But it'll take more than a week.
peace,
lilnev
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