Lessons on Moderation

[Sunbeam]

I’ve been hanging out regularly here since early February, living and learning about alcohol consumption. The Beast or Box of Kittens, waiting to be fed. No off switch. The problem and reason why we are all here. Looking for an answer which doesn’t exist: why are some people (including my husband) able to stop drinking after one or two glasses. Some days even I can and do stop after two drinks. But on some days I almost wake up with a big neon flashing light, DRINK. It is much more difficult to ignore that urge, and I am unlikely to stop after one or two drinks.

I now think that light goes on if I plan to drink. Therefore, I have to plan not to drink. The light was on the day I had my first drink after 2 ? AF months. This was for a very special planned occasion, with a special $100 bottle of wine. The DRINK light was on the day I invited a friend over for wine, then consumed 2/3rds of it before she arrived. The DRINK light used to always be on Sunday afternoons, which was when I binged. The DRINK light was on last week, when my husband left wine for several friends who ended up not coming. He usually keeps the wine locked up in our Eurocave. I no longer look for the key, and I no longer go out to buy wine or liquor, but given that supply, I drank. He was out of town.

I’m thinking on the rare occasion when someone offers me a drink I can accept. Is that realistic, or is that the Beast talking? I know that quitting can be difficult, and I did not quit after 3-4 glasses in a week, for a few weeks. I kept thinking I could do it, but I couldn’t. I was still thinking way too much about drinking. I do not go out with friends often to have a drink, maybe about 4 times per year. I do not plan to drink this year before Christmas. Then I might have a glass or two shared at the table with the meal. I would like to continue to join my friends occasionally for a glass or two of wine. I want to achieve that level of thinking when alcohol is “take it or leave it”, not important in my life, not counting the days and drinks.

Your thoughts?

[Evie.Lou]

Lessons on Moderation

Dearest Sunbeam,I relate to everything you said and have had times when I can take one and stop.My problem is that AL is such a LIER....He will tell me that I am in Control and then try to kill me.I know he will suceed if doing just that if I listen to his lies....I have stop asking WHY ME(why not me)????Some can drink,some can not...

[Niblet]

Lessons on Moderation

Good Morning Sunbeam
Great analogy about the "drink light" ... I'd like to express that I find it very odd that your hubby locks up the wine on you... Almost puts to mind that you are possibly desiring something that is out of reach of you because of the lock... Just a thought.
Sometimes couples have a dialogue that is underlying... what I mean is, "he is trying to control you/your drinking by locking it up on you... then in turn you may feel "I'm a big girl and can do whatever I want .. you aren't my Dad"... If I'm off the mark I sincerely apologize. The last thing you need is yet another thing to weigh down your already "thinking too much" mind. Keep sharing with us with hopes of putting this all in proper perspective. You deserve to "let this go" and live your wonderful life.
Sincerely, xxx

[DeeBee]

Lessons on Moderation

"I was still thinking way too much about drinking."

That's how i felt, but now it is just not an option to drink during my 30 days AF.... I don't have the answer to your questions but i do know how at peace I am knowing that today I will be AF!! Even modding tired me out always thinking when/if/how/why should I allow myself that one glass.

[livingfree]

Lessons on Moderation

Sumbeam ~ I love it when RJ talked about comparing modding to wanting "Butter" in her book. If you are lusting for butter and eat the whole stick once you start ... OR you are thinking about it a lot ... then best not to allow "butter". Our bodies react differently to things that we have become "addicted" to. It doesn't matter if it's in the mind or the body - addiction wears many hats. Just something to think about.

Best to you

[Michaela]

Lessons on Moderation

Sun,

I could have written your post myself. I too have a husband who can STOP after one or two. It just bugs me that I cannot do this. Like I think Niblet said, when my husband tried to help me, I became very angry deep inside at him and resentful that I was a BIG GIRL and could do as I please. But, like you, I get the LIGHT TURNED ON and once it's on, there is no stopping me. I have OCD, so I wonder if this has any play in it. It seems more women are inclined to have no control than men. Strange. I am on day 15 AF now. I just don't think I can be one of those modders. I have cut back considerably from when I first joined MWO, but the guilt and hangovers the next day are hardly worth it anymore not to mention the strain on my relationship with my husband. I will be put to the real test this week. We leave for Costa Rica tonight for a week with another couple. I know AL will be there, but it's up to me to be AF. I have felt so good these past 2 weeks. Sometimes I wake up in the morning trying to remember if I will have a hangover or not! I have even began working out at the gym for 4 days a week. It's my new addiction! A much better one!

Hang in there. It's nice to hear we are not alone with our struggles.

Michaela

[Doggygirl]

Lessons on Moderation

Sunbeam, I did an exercise shortly before I found MWO in July of 2007 that involved writing out the following lists:

Benefits of Drinking Alcohol

Problems with Drinking Alcohol

Benefits of Not Drinking Alcohol

Problems with Not Drinking Alcohol

These should not be the benefits and down sides as viewed by anyone other than YOU. And let's face it - even though I have figured out for sure I can never drink again, when I'm truthful with myself I have to admit I still see some percieved benefit of drinking.

If you get to the bottom of why that occassional drink is so important to you that it's worth the risks of losing control, then you will have your answer.

I'm in the process of updating these lists right now. I'm really glad I did this exercise way back when because it sure is an interesting read now!!! (and the handwriting back then was pretty bad too - yeah, nobody could tell I was hammered during the day all the time.......)

Best wishes to you.

DG
90 Days AFHF

[WildAtHeart]

Lessons on Moderation

livingfree;386923 wrote: Sumbeam ~ I love it when RJ talked about comparing modding to wanting "Butter" in her book. If you are lusting for butter and eat the whole stick once you start ... OR you are thinking about it a lot ... then best not to allow "butter". Our bodies react differently to things that we have become "addicted" to. It doesn't matter if it's in the mind or the body - addiction wears many hats. Just something to think about.

Best to you

I really agree with LF. As I move through these last 18 days I am finding it best not to indulge when I really want a drink (and to look inside to find out why I want one so bad). It's one thing for me to have one and enjoy it for what it is and then it is quite another for me to have one when I am really craving it or wanting to alleviate my stress (generally my trigger). As my cravings subside it is making it much easier for me to discern between the two -- and that if I want a drink to alleviate stress then it's probably not a day that I should indulge in one.

[KateH1]

Lessons on Moderation

Sunbeam, I too love your analogy of the "drinking light", mine used to be on an automatic timer! The idea of modding brought many of us to MWO in the first place. It certainly did me! When I finally completed 30 days AF, I began to realize how much better I like me and I liked my life without alcohol. But, along the way to these 8 months of living life as a non-drinker, I have had the light switch on many times...though hardly ever over the past 3 months or so. Many times, I thought of "trying to mod", but the thought of returning to where I was before, with no control stopped me. The thing is "Modding" is not a choice that many of us have. It is simply not physicly and mentally possible.I believe that I am one that modding is not possible. Knowing that fact and accepting that fact has left me FREE to love living as a non-drinker!! Yes, on occasion thoughts come up.....but are quickly dismissed. As I would dismiss somone wanting to put a needle in my eye!

[Cinders]

Lessons on Moderation

Knowing that fact and accepting that fact has left me FREE to love living as a non-drinker!! Yes, on occasion thoughts come up.....but are quickly dismissed. As I would dismiss somone wanting to put a needle in my eye!

Kate, that is the point of "surrender" in Step 1 of AA. While I know many will dislike that analogy, I do believe it is true. When a person who cannot moderate finally realizes that a drink is not possible and learns to accept that as fact, it does give you the FREEDOM to choose to be and stay sober.

Remembering that taking a drink is akin to a needle in the eye really puts it into perspective.

There is a needlepoint on the wall of my AA home group that says:

We can finally laugh again
but we must never forget we cried.

Great post, Kate!!

Love,
Cindi

[beatle]

Lessons on Moderation

KateH1;387071 wrote: The thing is "Modding" is not a choice that many of us have. It is simply not physicly and mentally possible.

This says it all.

[Ask For Help]

Lessons on Moderation

other modding thoughts

Sunbeam: I have another idea about modding.

I have seen two things change since I started MWO as a modder. One, I had to break the "habit" of drinking. The 5 o'clock "expectation", desire, urge, whatever you want to call it. That took work, learning about triggers, figuring out what drove desire etc. etc. I think the Topomax is a BIG help in reducing the physical desire, so I can be neutral about whether to have a drink or not on a given day. But I had to develop new habits for what to do while cooking dinner, or reading the paper after dinner, where 'having a drink" had come to feel like part of the activity.

The other thing is learning to drink differently. Here too the Topo has helped. But I have had to learn to SLOW down, enjoy, drink water in between, taste, enjoy, notice what is happening.

I'd guess you've solved the habit thing hands down! but with your limited drinking experience, I wonder if you've really "practiced" drinking differently. Just like going AF it is a trial and error, make mistakes, learn, try again kind of thing.

Just felt someone who mods should comment that it is possible for some to mod. I was never a person who like to get drunk (hated it in fact). But I was drinking 3 - 4 drinks most every day, and now I drink 6 - 7 drinks / week. I love my life, have a clear head, am proud of myself and my success, and am grateful to this site for showing me the way.

my 2 cents.

Ask

[Sunbeam]

Lessons on Moderation

Thank you for all of your thoughts - that's what I asked for. I recognize that I never may be able to moderate. It's kind of a catch-24: if I don't think about drinking I can drink, but if I think about drinking I'm in trouble because that DRINK light goes on. Like, I'm already thinking aout drinking at Christmas, so I better not drink at Christmas, even though my in-laws are plenty for me to be sober about, or drunk about!

That butter analogy just does not resonate for me. I like butter a lot, actually! Mmmm, on toast or warm crusty bread.... But I do understand the take it or leave it mentality.

Yea, that seed that maybe I can learn to moderate is still there. It just requires me to think too much about drinking, and that makes it more difficult than abstaining. Therefore, my plan is to abstain for the forseeable future, so I don't have to think about drinking. Gotta just remove that lightbulb, I think.

I am so grateful to be here among all of you.

[vera-b]

Lessons on Moderation

Sunbeam and all,

What a thoughtful thread! I am modding as well and using my head as a guage. By that I mean how much am I thinking about drinking? (Here's where the butter analogy comes into play) Is that drink in response to a cry for a drink, any drink, or is it a selection of a crisp chardonnay to go with that parmesean snapper? I have relied a great deal on the hypno cd's and just finished a tune-up session this afternoon. The reason? The old thinking was creeping back. I would rather have nothing and not have it weighing on my head than get sucked back into the nightmare.

If I can continue to have the occasional drink when it's a pleasurable plus to the meal or the occasion but don't feel I NEED it, then modding will contine. The minute I feel the siren call come slithering back, out come my cd's to get my head back on straight. Will this work over the long haul? Don't know. If it becomes an ongoing battle, will have to "surrender" as Cindi points out that it's not for me. I'll know more in the clarity of the rearview mirror. Find the responses from the long time members particularly thought provoking. Thank you.

V.

[YoungAtHeart]

Lessons on Moderation

I have a good friend who drank in an alcoholic manner for quite a few years. Over 15 years ago she married a really terrific guy, who provided her with a great deal of security and love. It wasn't a perfect relationship, but it worked well for both of them.

As the years passed, her drinking dwindled, and now she drinks, but rarely more than a glass a day with dinner. When we get together, she may drink two drinks. Quite a difference than when we used to get totally stupid together. Oh and the difference for me now is that I bring alcohol-free wine. I still enjoy the "feeling" of having wine, but I really don't want any of the negative consequences.

Maybe in another life I could moderate, but in my current life, no way. I have proved to myself several times that it isn't possible for me.

Congrats to those of you who can moderate.