This isn't the first time I've quit. Last fall, and again last winter, I quit for two or three weeks, then started drinking again. But this time feels different. It feels like it's just the start of what I really expect will be the rest of my life. Not just hope or want, but expect.
At one point, some months ago, I told my doctor I was going to quit. My blood pressure was high, I was overweight, and anti-Ds had helped my mood significantly, but I still wasn't in a very good head space. And she asked, "Because you want to, or because you should?" I didn't have an answer right away, but I thought about it. And decided that the answer depended on the timescale -- thinking longer term, I wanted to quit. But when evening rolled around, I wanted to drink, and resisting became a "should". Eventually, "should" lost out to "want", and I drank; then the next night "should" felt even weaker, and I drank again, and so on.
So why will this time be different? For whatever reason, I've been much more successful at bringing "want to be sober" down to the shorter timescale on which buying/drinking decisions are actually made. I actually want to be sober in the evening, rather than having to rely on "should". There have been a few nights when I wanted to drink, but only a few, and even then it was a mixed feeling, with a significant part of me that wanted very much to say "no" (and I did say "no").
I wish I understood how and why I feel this way, this time. The best I can figure it, it's connected to something I wrote about before. I've given up the idea that I can go back to being my old pre-drinking self. In particular, I've given up the idea that if I simply stop drinking, I'll automatically revert to who I was before. That's wrong on two counts: there's no going back -- I have to become someone new instead -- and, nothing is automatic -- I have actively build my new self. I don't know if I can explain how or why I think this perspective shift is connected to not wanting to drink. Maybe it's because my focus is on the future instead of my (pre-drinking) past, and on actively doing positive things rather than resisting a negative thing, that the operative word has changed away from "should" and towards "want to".
I don't know. I'm sure there will be trying times ahead, when the urge will be strong to escape from life into a safe familiar stupor. For now, I'm grateful to be feeling good and wanting sobriety.
peace,
lilnev
At one point, some months ago, I told my doctor I was going to quit. My blood pressure was high, I was overweight, and anti-Ds had helped my mood significantly, but I still wasn't in a very good head space. And she asked, "Because you want to, or because you should?" I didn't have an answer right away, but I thought about it. And decided that the answer depended on the timescale -- thinking longer term, I wanted to quit. But when evening rolled around, I wanted to drink, and resisting became a "should". Eventually, "should" lost out to "want", and I drank; then the next night "should" felt even weaker, and I drank again, and so on.
So why will this time be different? For whatever reason, I've been much more successful at bringing "want to be sober" down to the shorter timescale on which buying/drinking decisions are actually made. I actually want to be sober in the evening, rather than having to rely on "should". There have been a few nights when I wanted to drink, but only a few, and even then it was a mixed feeling, with a significant part of me that wanted very much to say "no" (and I did say "no").
I wish I understood how and why I feel this way, this time. The best I can figure it, it's connected to something I wrote about before. I've given up the idea that I can go back to being my old pre-drinking self. In particular, I've given up the idea that if I simply stop drinking, I'll automatically revert to who I was before. That's wrong on two counts: there's no going back -- I have to become someone new instead -- and, nothing is automatic -- I have actively build my new self. I don't know if I can explain how or why I think this perspective shift is connected to not wanting to drink. Maybe it's because my focus is on the future instead of my (pre-drinking) past, and on actively doing positive things rather than resisting a negative thing, that the operative word has changed away from "should" and towards "want to".
I don't know. I'm sure there will be trying times ahead, when the urge will be strong to escape from life into a safe familiar stupor. For now, I'm grateful to be feeling good and wanting sobriety.
peace,
lilnev
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