September Failure - sorry!! How weak am I????

[Chardonnay123]

Hi guys, hoped to join the AF army - 1st Sept and have failed miserably! made a promise that I would join 2nd and failed miserably.........thought I would join today and guess what?? failed miserably..................!!!

Can't get an angle on this - I am truly struggling. Have had a really rocky 24 mths (not making excuses) but every week seems to bring something more challenging and traumatic to deal with - maybe its 'life' and maybe my coping mechanisms aren't all that? but hey who ever prepared us for 'this'?

In my 20's thought that life was a peach! in my approaching 40's it feels like a rotting apple!

Last night I drank!! I tried to act 'normal' in front of my much loving, much long suffering partner - god bless him - he knew?!!?? when we were finally in bed - his frustration with me boiled over! he shoved me and I have the mother of all bruises on my arm!! he is so sorrowful today, he didn't drink last night - he rarely does in fact - only out of the house.

I should be angry, shouldn't I - I don't condone any form of 'domestic violence' - but I feel I deserved it (bizzarre I know, I would tell any of my girlfriends to run a mile if their partner laid a finger on them!)

I know he is at the end of his tether with me, I also know that he loves me deeply, I know that I am gonna push him away if I can't control this. I am drinking tonight to block out the guilt I feel of making him feel like that. I am drinking tonight to help me cope with the fact that I am ironing my daughters uniform for her return to school tommorow (after 6 weeks holiday - how disorganised have I become!) I am drinking tonight to block out the fact that I am drinking tonight!!

[startingover]

September Failure - sorry!! How weak am I????

And it's not really helping is it?
make a pact with yourself that this is it. No matter what you are going to stop the madness now. I KNOW its not easy but it is the only way I think.
Do you have a plan? Supplements, the book or ways to cope being al?

[shelbysmiles]

September Failure - sorry!! How weak am I????

First of all-no one deserves to be pushed. You have to set it up in your mind that "Today I will not drink, no matter what". It is hard, God knows it is hard. But, that is the only way to do it.

Someone made a comment a while back the we would not break promises to other people but we break them to ourselves all the time. You are worth it to keep your promise to yourself not to drink. Tomorrow is a new day. Try to embrace it.

[bloggy]

September Failure - sorry!! How weak am I????

Chardonnay

Have you considered Antabuse? I wouldn't have stopped without it. Everyday I can find 100 good reasons to drink. Fortunately antabuse gives me one better one that I can't.

[Chardonnay123]

September Failure - sorry!! How weak am I????

Thanx for your support

thanx all of you,

Marbella, I am actually frightened of 'antabuse' - have read of some rather bad side effects and effects on the liver (lol) like I can do it any more damage!! Are the prescriptions ordered thro the internet fully authentic!

Starting Over, Shelby, and Marbella - ru u all AF now? if so, if not being too personal, what are your stories? how many years have you been drinking, what were your triggers, and what was the reason for wanting to (if you have) abstaining or modding??

Chard123 xx

[startingover]

September Failure - sorry!! How weak am I????

I have been af for 8 weeks, my story is in Tell us your story - Startingovers story. In a nutshell, I have been drinking and taking drugs for about 30 years, just about everything is my trigger, happy, sad, anxious, excited, you name it and it will trigger me. I wanted to stop because I sunk into a severe clinical depression and although I have been having a rough couple of years, I think the alcohol was a big factor in that.
Hope that helps a bit

[shelbysmiles]

September Failure - sorry!! How weak am I????

Chardonnay-Not too personal at all. I'm on my 3rd day AF. After many stops and starts I'm determined to go 30 days this time. I have been drinking for about 15 years. Started out as a few beers at parties and quickly escalated. My triggers are everything. I had a good day, bad day, it's cold, it's hot, I'm happy, I'm sad....there is always a reason to drink in my book. My reason for getting this under control is that I want to watch my children grow up. Not just be breathing but to actually be alive.

[Chardonnay123]

September Failure - sorry!! How weak am I????

starting Over -

did'nt realise there was a 'starting over' forum

sorry for my ignorance, but many thanks for your reply

i am a virgin at this internet thing, but learning as i go along

maybe this is the distraction I need??

have a smooth evening guys, love and best wishes from a very wet and windy eastern england!!

[startingover]

September Failure - sorry!! How weak am I????

hey chardonnay, absolutely no need for apologies.
This place has helped me NO END. I wouldn;t be sober if it wasnt for here.
Please ask anything you like, we are always on hand to help.
Reading and posting REALLY help
Best wishes

[gyco]

September Failure - sorry!! How weak am I????

hi 123,very interesting story,but even tho you drink he doesnt have the rt to touch you,i went thro tht a year ago with my wife of 31 years,but not physically ,verbal abuse,i wont say what i said but it was damaging,ive spent the last year gaining her trust,but i do deserve it,even tho i drank,i was tot it was ok,seems you have the same problem,since ive come here the people have tot me a lot,mostly there is no failure,the failure is you fail to lern,i was stopped for 10 months and at this point,im moderating very suceefuly,i dont think all like it but i am doing it,you limit yourself to a few,if i dont i get violently sick,it actually is nt to bad,i hope this helps you dont want to end up where i did,keep comin here and use the site to let go gyco

[LookingToGrow]

September Failure - sorry!! How weak am I????

Chardonnay, NO ONE deserves to be abused in any way, shape, or form! Maybe you can start a new habit and come to the site more often. Reading, posting, and chatting really help. Don't take any crap from your partner. Best of luck and stick with us!

[bloggy]

September Failure - sorry!! How weak am I????

Damn- I just wrote a very long reply and lost it when I went to look for a link :upset:

I have to go now

If you read the antabuse thread https://www.mywayout.org/community/f2...ead-20207.html you will find lots of info there- if you have anymore questions please post them I will answer tomorrow if I can!

[Chardonnay123]

September Failure - sorry!! How weak am I????

that's the irony tho' we r abusing ourselves

[KateH1]

September Failure - sorry!! How weak am I????

Hi Chardonay, Yep, it can be really tough in the beginning....but, having a personal plan really helps! Have you read the MWO book? Have you started on any of the supps, Kudzu, L-Glut, All-in-One and GABA? I would definitely suggest giving that a try, before you resort to antibuse. The MWO program does work.......but you also have to work the program!

I have been sober for 8 months, all because of MWO and working the program. I did it without Rx Drugs and you can do it too! What were my triggers? Well, much like many here, everything, happy, sad, success, failure, anxiety etc. etc......Funny how AF makes the good times way better, and the struggles easier to cope with!!

Best Wishes,
Kate

[A Work in Progress]

September Failure - sorry!! How weak am I????

Chard, I have to totally ditto KateH1's post, just above (except I have only been AF -- this time around-- for 6 weeks). Planning is essential. Putting together the supportive elements is essential. Being determined to get the alcohol out of your life is essential.

I also think you might really benefit from antabuse, for a few weeks perhaps, and it might just be the best decision you could make, right now, to get you started.

Best wishes,

wip