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    #1

    Ashamed again

    I went AF for a month this summer, in conjuction with an intensive outpatient program. I have slowly started drinking in moderation again. I'm having lots of communication problems with my husband - mostly lack of emotional closeness and one-on-one time together. When he avoids me (which he says he's not doing) by staying late at work or going on long bike rides, I feel lonely, and have a drink (or two or three, etc.). Then he gets home and I'm angry and not very coherent. Two nights ago, I wanted a glass of red wine, and I opened a bottle that he was saving for a special occasion. I only drank one glass, but he found the open bottle last night, and got very angry. I am so ashamed and embarrased. Feeling very alone and scared.

    Hockey Mom
    Tags: None
    #2
    Ashamed again

    Hockey Mom -

    I know its hard, but feeling ashamed and embarrassed can create that vicious cycle of drinking to not feel it then feeling it all over again. I know its hard but please think of what you can do now....not the past.

    Well, except for perhaps identifying your triggers. Are you still doing the outpatient program? Have they helped you with that?

    Keep talking to your husband and to us. Its not easy but the only way....

    Erin
    Happy to be AF Since 9.13.08

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      #3
      Ashamed again

      I feel your pain, Hockeymom. My husband said that he used to pray every night on the way home from work, that I would not have had a drink when he got home. The distance between us grew. I withdrew because after I had had a drink, I knew he could smell it. I would retreat to my area of the house and him to his. It's amazing that we made it past those horrible times. I will regret until the day that I die that I put my children through this during their high school years and into their early twenties. I can't fix those days now, and have caused them pain that I can't take back. No mother wants that for their children. I used to blame my husband, and say he was just trying to control me. I would say that I drank because I was lonely, or stressed at work, or worried about money or because I was happy. I just found any reason so that I could to drink. I finally faced it. I drank. Way too much and it was no one elses fault but mine. I was the only one who could fix it! If you are a Hockey Mom, then your kids are probably young. I wish I could go back and do it over, the right way. Good luck to you! Sending support!
      "It wasn't all I wanted, but all I could stand!":bigwink: Alcohol free since April 8, 2008

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        #4
        Ashamed again

        Yep, Me too HockyMom. Best sums up my story almost exactly, except my son is 10 so I have some time to make it right. I think the shame and the guilt is worse than anything INCLUDING hang overs! I am trying right now to improve my husbands approval rating of me. He's such a sweet, caring and FORGIVING man, I am ashamed of what I have put him through. It does REALLY help to come here. This is my first joining of the AF Army and it's great. Everyone is so nice and supportive and upbeat! Please stay with us and we can ALL get through this together.

        Michaela
        :beach: "You can't go uphill thinking downhill thoughts"
        AF since 10/11/2008

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          #5
          Ashamed again

          OMG Hockey Mom!
          That just reminded me of the time I drank our "wedding wine". The one and only one left with our wedding date, etc on the lable. My poor husband couldn't believe it. What was I thinking? I guess that's what AL does to us. We just don't think.
          We've all been there.

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            #6
            Ashamed again

            Hockey Mom - You sound more ready to stop the insanity than you realize. If your hubbie is that concerned about you - give the modding idea up for now. You can always revisit that idea when your life is back in balance. I hear the anxiety in your words. I think you know what to do now - it's just letting go of the fear, and just walking through all the new feelings that will come your way for awhile. Loved the advice from wally - log on here when you feel tempted!

            Hugs to you
            AF since Jan. 1, 2008 .... It all began right here


            Raise your hopeful voice, you have a choice, you made it now.


            (from the Movie "Once")

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              #7
              Ashamed again

              I am new here and would like to join the AF army, how do I do that and chat with people.

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                #8
                Ashamed again

                slipped again

                Hi Hockey mom
                I understand, i had 3 glasses of wine last night and i think I should try to go without versus moderation for awhile. It hits me hard and I am so ashamed the next day too. Seems like there is a lot of support here. Good luck!

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                  #9
                  Ashamed again

                  Hi Helpwanted08 and :welcome:

                  Just go to the AF Army and to today's date. We check in there. If your in the US, we are a bit behind as a lot of them are in other parts of the world that are WAY ahead of time. But, it's a great place and keeps us focused. I too tried to mod, but wasn't very good at it. The guilt is just AWFUL for me. I am trying the AF.

                  Hope to see you there.

                  Michaela
                  :beach: "You can't go uphill thinking downhill thoughts"
                  AF since 10/11/2008

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