AF Army - 9th September 2008

[DeeBee]

AF Army - 9th September 2008

O2m, I said this the other day on another thread BUT DAMN GIRL YOU ARE MAKING ME PROUD!!!

It sounds like AF life is really getting the juices flowing. It's not an easy journey but you are going to come out the other end the real YOU!

((((((((HUGS))))))))

[Michaela]

AF Army - 9th September 2008

Hello Troops!

Welcome Christy! Nice to have you on board! Don't beat yourself Evie, we have ALL been there and you just have to get back in line with the rest of us.

Sorry to hear your feeling down Vlad, maybe it's the weather. ???

It's sunny here in Souther Cali. I think I would like rain for a change of pace.

Okay, I am willing to come clean anyone's rooms, houses, bathrooms etc. I am what people call a "CLEAN FREAK". Sadly there is NOTHING in my house that is a mess, or cluttered. It's an obsession with me. I have had it since I was a child. Instead of wanting to play house like a normal little girl, I would always say..."Hey, wanna clean your room?" Oh well. I guess I could have worse habits. Actually I did, drinking too much! I think I can control my drinking now, I don't think I can control my clean freakiness.

How is your head Cindi? Hope it's better. Headaches are AWFUL! My Dad had NEVER EVER had a headache in his life. My husband's boss claims he hasn't either. I just find that so ODD!!!

Have a great day everyone.

Michaela

[cymru]

AF Army - 9th September 2008

Must confess, im the same with cleaning. Everything has to be spotless and in the right place or i cant relax. I must be the only person who cleans the kitchen before preparing dinner!!
Not bad for a bloke though!

[startingover]

AF Army - 9th September 2008

one 2 your post brought tears to my eyes. You have really opened up and I cannot tell you how proud I am of you. Your words have helped me too. Sometimes I cannot put my finger on why I am down. You are right, it is a bereavement and we have to learn to live again.
Lets learn together.
Love startingover x

[vlad]

AF Army - 9th September 2008

Back home - my driveway is flooded, had to park my car in a lake! Your post makes a lot of sense O2M - I will say this, I'm not as down as last time I was AF.

[cymru]

AF Army - 9th September 2008

Good to hear from you vlad, was wondering where you were!
Is the rain really bad by you then? It seems to have eased off here in wales and weve actually got some blue sky tnt.
Im kinda worried about beginning to feel down, cause at the moment i feel so positive. I know it wont last forever, and previously ive sort of built myself up to a big fall, working, cleaning and doing loads only to fall big time when it was all finished. My last big fall was after a week of stripping my house and cleaning EVERYTHING. Felt great, but when it was done i binged for 3 days. Gotta keep an eye out for those triggers huh?

[LookingToGrow]

AF Army - 9th September 2008

Vlad, glad you made it home safely in the rain

[vlad]

AF Army - 9th September 2008

LookingToGrow;405204 wrote: Vlad, glad you made it home safely in the rain

Thanks LTG!

[Chelle12]

AF Army - 9th September 2008

I hardly watch TV on an evening.. spend more time looking at re-runs of comedys on youtube..
Ingredients for a canny evening: -
Big Glass Lime &Lemonade
Toblerone
YouTube
Cigarettes
...Sorted

[Michaela]

AF Army - 9th September 2008

Cy, how often do you strip your house and clean? Sounds like you've been touched by the clean freak bug too!

[LookingToGrow]

AF Army - 9th September 2008

What's for supper tonight?

[LookingToGrow]

AF Army - 9th September 2008

O2M, did you start on the Royal Jelly yet? How is your weight gain going?

[cymru]

AF Army - 9th September 2008

Yer Michaela, i must confess i do clean quite alot. It helps that i live alone, so when my little one isnt over i find it easy to keep things clean. Do a clean around the house once a week and just try and keep on top of everything, but even my mum says i do too much cleaning, and why couldnt i of been like it when i was a teen!

[cymru]

AF Army - 9th September 2008

o2m, you porker!

[christyacc]

AF Army - 9th September 2008

WOW....my longest time sober in the last 2 years was 21 days and I had the exact same feelings as you are describing. Is there a way that I can save this message somehow so that I can go back and read it when I have these very same feelings of doubt? This is something I need to remind myself when I have been sober for some time and not experiencing any withdrawl symptoms....then after that, when I think to myself....'You've done this....look, you have proved you can go without...lets have a drink. We can control this.' I need this post so that I can read it during those times.

Thank you from the bottm of my heart for putting into words, my feelings. I want to say so much but the only thing that is coming out is, thank you. :l

one2many;405047 wrote: I think what I was really trying to say was that I sometimes neglect to remember that I am an alcoholic..albeit a fully fuctioning one but an alcoholic nevertheless.
While going through these AF days, while I am feeling so good and not hungover or fuzzy and horrible, it is exactly these times when I question myself. I never doubt myself when I feel like shit because my body is saying enough and my weary brain in in total agreement, but as time goes on and I am more clearheaded and mentally alert, I find myself having a conversation with the inner me.......Why do I feel like there is something missing from my life?, Why do I forget sometimes and then get that nasty little feeling in the pit of my stomach when I realise I cannot drink, why do I get a pang when I see adverts for booze on the tv, Why do I feel empty, bereft and somewhat depressed inside? Why do I panic at the thoughts of NEVER having a drink again? And finally Why can I not look forward with anticipation and delight to an alcohol free life???????

The answer is simple....I am an ALCOHOLIC, I am thinking ALCOHOLIC thoughts and I have yet to learn how to begin my life all over again, shed this skin and little by little try to relearn the basic skills in life thru sober eyes.

I know this will take time, and like a baby, I must learn from scratch how to live in a world that is alcohol free.

It scares me, it frightens the bloody living daylights out of me, but yet I know there is no escaping it, I have to go thru it in order to be free.

I have 2 options...learn to live again or go back to existing........and for me, there is only one true answer.....so bear with me while I learn to grow again in this scary world, I am learning something new every day...some things amaze me, some things break my heart, I learn things about myself that I do not like and things that were so deeply hidden by booze that I almost feel like a stranger.

But I am finding things I do like, things that I can do that I never thought I could...like sharing how I feel with all of you...the old o2m...would brush feelings off with a joke or a sweep of her hand.

I know that modding, cutting down and having the odd one will not work for me as they will only feed the Alcoholic voices in my head and I will always be shrouded in a cloak of "what if's" and Just tonights"

I know the direction to take but I don't know where I am going or what/who I will meet along the way......but I will take a step every day on this road and I hope you will stop and say hello when I meet you on the way.


Thanks for listening,

o2m