Spouse support

[mark54]

4 days AF after my DUI. Been staying with friends as my wife didn't want me coming back home till I find a way to beat this thing. She seems to think the only cure is an in-patient treatment center of which we can't afford. I've told her about MWO and suggest she join up to see the stories and similar circumstances that others have.
Went to the health store to get some Kudzu...what's the difference between an OTC Kudzu and Rescue. Going to the doc's today to maybe try some Topomax.
Has anyone gone thru a similar situation with their spouse. I'm going to go home today but fear she won't let me in till the in-patient thing. Any advice?
mark54

[cymru]

Spouse support

I think alot of us who are here have put our partners through it to the point where they cant take it anymore. My long term partner left the house we shared and told me she didnt want to see me until i STARTED to do something about my boozing and admit i have a serious problem.
Since my admissions, she has been there for me, though is still living away from home until i can prove myself over a longer term.

[KateH1]

Spouse support

Mark, I think that sometimes, those close to us finally get tired of being our co-dependent. Addiction affects everyone in the family unit. Everyone, no matter how young or how old. We may think that they are unaware of anything going on or that it is affecting them, but it is. Our drinking does affect the quality of their lives. I say this, because I now realize that I affected many of the people around me in a negative way when I was drinking.

Your wife probably truly believes that in patient treatment is the only answer. It is up to you to decide what you need to do. MWO does work.....but it takes work! There is no "magic pill", even on the meds, you have to take charge! Some people believe that "Support" means comforting words, saying it is all OK (even when it is not OK) providing reasons and excuses, etc etc etc. I know that this is enabling and not support. Sometimes support is simply saying......I will not enable you to continue to hurt yourself and others......now, figure this out!

My suggestion to you is to read the book, and make a plan and comitt to sober living. Your wife, may be supporting you more than you realize, she is pushing you into finally making a decision on what your future will be. The ball is in your court and you can make this happen!

Best Wishes,
Kate

[IAD]

Spouse support

Mark54, Have you tried AA on top of MWO ? Maybe if you go to a structured enviroment and show her the steps and program she might let up. I personally don't agree with the steps and all, but going to the meetings for support can help. IAD.

[AAthlete]

Spouse support

I guess the question would be, what lengths are you willing to go to get your family back?

Whether right or wrong it sounds like your wife is taking a hard-line approach to this, and as hard as it may be you may have to think about all the options being presented to you. Is MWO a great place? Yes it is - it helped me on my path to recovery. But, and this is a big but, it doesn't have the cache that an in-patient program or AA carries in the mainstream recovery world (right or wrong).

So, you need to determine how important getting them back to you is. If she demands that you go to the treatment center before you can come back, will you do it? I was in the same boat you were and my wife was talking about taking my son and leaving me. I reached a low point in my life where I decided I would go to whatever lengths necessary to keep us together, which led me to the doors of AA. I also showed my wife this site, but as I mentioned earlier it didn't carry the same weight with her (I'm sure it helped that she was in Al-Anon at the time).

So, show her this site - it does work and I use it every day to supplement my overall program, but realize that you may have to do more....

Best of luck and my thoughts are with you.

[nancy]

Spouse support

Hi there

Can you tell us more about your problem, how much you were drinking and what is going on? What I am getting at is, consider whether your wife is right. And how do you feel about it yourself? I don't think inpatient programs are necessary in all cases. A good outpatient program could help.

So is she right? Do you think you are capable of giving up on your own and how dependent are you? Is it so severe that you would get DTs/horrible withdrawal symptoms if you stopped? Ever stopped before?

Maybe what you should do instead is rent a room somwhere for a month and sort yourself out with an outpatient support program, or possibly AA just to get a sober network. Personally, I would seek a non-12 step program but one with face-to-face contact but there are not too many of those around.

The drugs on this site are supposed to be pretty effective but they have side effects too. Aside from Topa, there are naltrexone and campral and antabuse. some people on this site have suggested taking antabuse in front of your spouse every day to ensure you actually physically cannot drink. But even if you do this, you need counselling to get to the bottom of the self-destructive behavior and turn it around.

If you can't afford rehab maybe you could at least afford a counselor? I don't think rehab is the answer to everything and it puts you in a place where you are in an artificial environment not dealing with everyday stressors etc.

Consider the pros and cons and whether you really need it.