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I Think I Owe My Son An Amends...

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    #1

    I Think I Owe My Son An Amends...

    We were up at my son's school last night helping to vacuum up water from the floors after 9 inches of rain in two days (we had the 7-9pm shift was a group of other families).

    Anyway, he was helping out with a floor squeegee and banged his shoulder on a metal lip that was sticking out from the wall in the cafeteria. Must have hurt pretty bad as he started crying, so I picked him up and consoled him but only for 10 - 15 seconds. I then put him down by himself in a dry area (still crying) so that I could get back to making sure the water didn't overtake my area.

    I've been going back and forth over whether I was an asshat of a father last night or not. On one hand I want him to realize that we can't always drop everything and be there for him, but on the other hand was making sure the water didn't get too deep really that important over consoling him?

    I guess I'll talk to him tonight and make that apology. When in doubt go with your gut and my gut says to make the amend but to also explain my thinking to him.

    Thanks for listening..
    Sobriety Date: June 15, 2007 -- "It's not having what you want, It's wanting what you've got...."
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    #2
    I Think I Owe My Son An Amends...

    How old is he?

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      #3
      I Think I Owe My Son An Amends...

      He is eight and in 3rd grade. Doesn't help that he went down hard on a wet floor after hitting it. Not going to get too worked up about it either way but I should explain it to him nonetheless.
      Sobriety Date: June 15, 2007 -- "It's not having what you want, It's wanting what you've got...."

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        #4
        I Think I Owe My Son An Amends...

        I do what you are doing now all the time, second guessing my actions with my kids, all the time. You are a GREAT dad im sure and you do your best at that time, all the time , ive no doubt. Sometimes when I mention to my kids something that happened before I often wonder am I highlighting something that is best left forgotton or if its a good idea to discuss it further. As you said , go with your gut, only you have the answer as its a judgement call only you can make. Good luck with the childrearing my friend, I think we all need a bit of that!

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          #5
          I Think I Owe My Son An Amends...

          There's a whole theory about all this, applicable both to parenting and psychotherapy. It isn't the "breach" in the relationship that is most important, because those happen all the time and are unavoidable. What is most important is the "repair" of the breach, which in your terms is the "amends," and which you are already planning. I think that's great. He will learn the most from your discussion with him about that, especially if you acknowledge how he must have been feeling and experiencing.

          wip

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            #6
            I Think I Owe My Son An Amends...

            I always thought my "screw ups" were a gift. Cuz then I got to model a good heartfelt apology.

            I agree with wip.
            Gabby :flower:

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              #7
              I Think I Owe My Son An Amends...

              I agree with AWIP...acknowledging his feelings lets him know that you care how he feels...That opens the door for him to be able to always speak freely about whats going on inside..When kids know that what they think and feel is important to us it raises their self esteem...A really big part of being a GOOD parent,I think...
              sigpicEyes on the PRIZE, a SOBER Future !!!

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                #8
                I Think I Owe My Son An Amends...

                AA the fact that you were their to help his school with him speaks volumes !! Don't sweat the small stuff.....Kids are very understanding. I've got 2 boys...they're just happy for me to be involved ! IAD.
                ?Be who you are and say what you feel because
                those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.?
                Dr. Seuss

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                  #9
                  I Think I Owe My Son An Amends...

                  Sometimes I think I tend to overcompensate..... I want to be there for him no matter what because I lost a good chunk of his formative years to drinking and at times it seems like a fine line. Happy to say that I no longer beat myself up about it but sometimes worry about it nonetheless.
                  Sobriety Date: June 15, 2007 -- "It's not having what you want, It's wanting what you've got...."

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                    #10
                    I Think I Owe My Son An Amends...

                    You're doing a great job.
                    Just be with him and really listen to him. Mirror back to him what he says in your own words to let him know you "hear" him and and understand what he says. This will also work with your wife!!
                    :goodjob:
                    Nancy
                    "Be still and know that I am God"

                    Psalm 46:10

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                      #11
                      I Think I Owe My Son An Amends...

                      I have so many times had similar experiences with my children. It seems to happen much more when I am sober, but perhaps it is just that I realise it much more.

                      I usually talk to my kids after I realise what I may have done to hurt them... but I actually think this is more for my benefit than for theirs-- they rarely seem bothered and often don't appear to remember the incident.

                      However, once when I was unfair to my children -- yelling at them for something they didn't do in front of the neighbour child, who had done the thing I was yelling about-- it was very upsetting to all involved and when I apologised (after I found out the truth), we made a deal that we would have a code for when the kids truly think I am being unfair. This has worked quite nicely-- it gives them a feeling of justice and empowerment, and it also helps me to stop myself before it's too late.

                      I also think children do benefit from having an adult apologise and admit they were wrong about something. It is good for their feeling of self-worth and it sets a good example for when they will need to do it themselves.
                      Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life... And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

                      Steve Jobs, Stanford Commencement Adress, 2005

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                        #12
                        I Think I Owe My Son An Amends...

                        Beatle, you hit the nail on the head....

                        He didn't think anything of it - so it did end up being more for my benefit then his. But I want the lines of communication to always be open and like you said, hopefully he takes something positive away from it as well.
                        Sobriety Date: June 15, 2007 -- "It's not having what you want, It's wanting what you've got...."

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                          #13
                          I Think I Owe My Son An Amends...

                          AA,
                          I think that you are doing just fine.

                          I was never really an overprotective mom and when my daughter was still little she always accused me of not feeling sufficiently sorry for any of her misfortunes; I mean bumps and bruises here. I would downplay it and kiss it better etc. and I would ask her if she needed a Dr. and after thinking it over she would say that she would be ok.

                          However, when someone hurt her feelings and she came home from school crying, I would drop everything if I was at hand and we sat and talked it all out, because I knew how important that was to her.

                          She is 30 today and a really well adjusted young lady who can deal with lifes bumps, bruises and insults rather well. I must have done something right - lol.
                          *Definition of Insanity: doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result* Albert Einstein

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                            #14
                            I Think I Owe My Son An Amends...

                            My life would have been very different if my mother had known the value of and seen the need for a simple "Sorry".
                            AF as of August 5th, 2012

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