Formerly ME145, forgot password

[difficulttimes1]

Hey guys. ive posted a few times on here. I forgot my password so i made a new name. i just started antabuse today, day 1. i have had my ups and downs of course. the past six months it seems my tolerance became so high, so i stopped those embarassing nights out where i would blackouta nd get to drunk. also i have a bf so we dont go out to bars as much, just drink at home by ourselves. so its like funny, i dont blackout and get all drunk like i used to when i only drank twice/threetimes a week, but now i crave it everynight. which is worse? ugh. like going a night without it is hard. so my depression is just bad when im drinking so often. when im sober, id say im mildly depressed or dysphoria possibly. ( just bored with life pretty much-things dont seem exciting, etc) anyway, my question really is this. im just curious, there are some people who believe that after a year or so , you may change your brain chemistry into being able to moderate. do you guys think that can happen? ive heard it, but ive also heard people being sober for years and years, and having a setback. they seem to fall right back to where they started. so im confused. ( unless maybe its the genetica lcoholics who will never be able to moderate, but the non genetic ones can?) what is everyones opinion and experience?

[dexterhead]

Formerly ME145, forgot password

Hi Me: i have no answers for you ,but I'm pretty sure i remember you ... are you in your 20s, from the New York/New Jersey area ? I just remember you were around the same time I joined last year. anyway, glad you are back

[rubywillow]

Formerly ME145, forgot password

Dif, it sounds like (just my opinion) you really ARE having trouble right now. You brought up a lot of issues, so first, reaching the point of blackouts is very serious. You do build up tolerance for a long time, but at some point, that tolerance level drops, so right now try to make a big change in your AL intake. I don't know about the moderation, but that should be down the road for you. You really need to address your depression ("just bored with life"). Alcohol is SUCH a depressant, and if you already have a problem with it, you should see someone now to treat the depression. When we don't drink after bingeing so long our moods swing wildly and make it even harder to cope with everyday. I sure don't have all the answers to your questions - just my experience. Pre-existing depression, added to another depressant, and the bad feelings when we realize we aren't in control of our actions just add up. Please keep coming back here, consider the supplements and CD's, and get treatment for your depression. Life will look better when you find you have options, since right now it sounds like everything revolves around your problems with AL and AL in your future. I mentioned earlier today in another thread how much more wonderful and exciting my life looks now, and I will soon be 57. The CD's have helped me become more positive and hopeful. The antabuse is a great start, but there's no magic bullet - it takes work - but the rewards for me sure seem like they're worth it. Don't look at staying AF forever right now. Just do it one day at a time, and live in that day. Ask for help here from people with more time and experience than me, because there are some wise voices here. Take care.

[difficulttimes1]

Formerly ME145, forgot password

Thank you Ruby. Yes Dexter, that is me, 26 girl from ny. lol . i never really was gone from this site, just didnt post to often as i wasnt doing what i needed to do which is really abstain for at least a month. i pretty much have been in a dark place for awhile now, since the time of my new bf who introduced me to drinking everynight at home when we lived together for a year. now of course, hes in new jersey and i dont live with him, but i am now an everynight drinker. so i didnt want to post on here and bring everyone down. Ruby willow, i completely understand that blackouts and all of that is a serious terrible thing. believe me, i know all about it. i actually forgot that your tolernace goes back down. i read that somewhere though. yeah i def just need some time off before i can even think about moderating. i also really REALLY need a therapist to try to help me get away from my abusive possessive boyfriend. i just simply dont have the strength. my life now is at its worst with alcohol and being in this relationship and ive lost half of my friends. i live in a house with my parents, my dad is a dick and my mom is mentally ill-but in a nice caring way. shes not nasty at least. but i live in a small ugly old room in the attic with low ceilings, and we live next to a train.I have insomnia and forget it now. Ive been a mess. ( we just moved here about a year ago) i HATEEEE THIS home life ( ugly old house) im trying to maybe get a room somewhere and rent. its so expensive in ny so i cannot afford an apartment, just a roomshare in a house that i find comfortable to go home to. i definitely feel that when im off alcohol for awhile i believe i am just mildly depressed. anyway, thanks for your replies. ill definitely be posting on here more often now that im back to trying again. im happy i made it through day 1 AF.

[rubywillow]

Formerly ME145, forgot password

diff, it's when you're HAVING problems that you really need to be here. you'll find compassion and advice, not judgement. I have 2 neices about your age, and they live in ATL, and both had gotten into some pretty serious drinking, especially socially. They both have realized that AL's become a problem, and are working on it. I'm so proud of them. But they have a big, loving family, and lots of support, something it doesn't sound like you have. If you are in an abusive relationship you're getting kicked while you're down. You have to get out, now, because I can almost guarantee he will NEVER change. You can't begin to feel better about yourself when surrounded by so much negativity. Hun, there's a great big world out there, and people who will truly love and appreciate you, but you gotta love yourself first. Look in the mirror everyday (it may seem silly at first) and say "I'm valuable, and I deserve to love and be loved. I am beautiful." Convince yourself and others will see you that way. Have you ever considered leaving the area where you live, going back to school, finding a job somewhere that you love? You're so young to feel so trapped. But, please, again - LOSE THAT LOSER! We have to change all the things we can that make us want to drink, people, places and things. And people here care about what happens to you.

[cymru]

Formerly ME145, forgot password

Ruby is spot on difficult, but the fact that you have posted and been so honest with us all is a big step in the right direction. I joined in may but didnt post until about a month ago for the same reasons as you. I didnt want to post sober, then later post as a blubbering drunk idiot. Stay with us, join the AF army thread, which for me has been a real help. We share our thoughts and have fun too. It really keeps your mind off the bottle.
For me it has to be AF. I gave up drinking for 4 and a half years and started again, and within weeks was right back where i was before. Everyones diff, and you know in yourself what the answer is. For me though, its all or nothing. I decided on nothing, and on day 17 AF im happier than ive been in a long time. Thank you for your honest post. Please stay with us.

[IAD]

Formerly ME145, forgot password

It's difficult to answer your questions. Some people are more seceptable to becoming an Alcoholic. (It's in the genes ). For them thier is no moderation, only set backs. Others can moderate after about 3 months of abstenance. Which are you, only you can answer that question. Remember, you can't fool yourself. IAD.

[Evie.Lou]

Formerly ME145, forgot password

Mod is GREAT for some...DEATH FOR ME...My whole family is alcoholic and AL has killed many of them...I choose LIFE instead of ALCOHOL..

[difficulttimes1]

Formerly ME145, forgot password

Thanks for all your posts! I pretty much have come to the conclusion that the genetic alcohlics probably cannot be moderators, but the non genetic ones can. i see a difference in me and the bf i have. hes def not genetically a problem drinker, but drinks daily and can stop and definitely moderate, even though he'll drink a six pack or more a day right now-when he wants to, he does well with moderating. there is a difference in people. i kinda think i am probably never goin to be able to be a moderator. its all in my family, and i am pretty bad at a young age, 26. well, thanks for your advice! Day 2 Af right now,on the antabuse of course!

[beatle]

Formerly ME145, forgot password

I'm happy you decided to come back, me, but of course sad for all your problems.

You have got a lot of good advice here. I agree that the genetic alcoholics often cannot be moderators. I think in general it's easier to be AF than moderate, because, even if you are good at it, there is always the possibility (or certainty, in my case) for a slip. And you need to be AF for a good long time before even trying to moderate.

In my experience, I have been able to moderate for a while every time I've done 1-2 months AF, but after a couple weeks, more or less, I always slip and then there's a binge to end all binges. SO, I have to stop fooling myself that I can moderate just because I can stop after 2 glasses of wine a few nights a week.

I hope you work out your other issues (depression, boyfriend, living situation) so that you can really lick AL. They all go together, really. But going AF will help you be able to deal with the other issues much better. Good on you for going AF-- you will soon reap the results.