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    #1

    The talk

    Hi all,
    I have been gone for a while partly b/c my computer was down, partly b/c of a new job (which I lost) not to AL and partly b/c I was doing a little better. Last couple of days since I lost may job have been bad. I passed out at 7 last night w/out making dinner. This morning my husband said he really wanted to spend some time and talk to me tonight. UUUUGGGGHHHHH! I can't take those. He talks to me like a child (although I know my behavior deserves it) and asks me questions I have no answers to. It's just aweful I am sure some of you have been through it. I had started the cd's again and was going to start the topa again. However my blood pressure is like 90/60 when I am on it and I am afraid that is dangerous. I intended to go AF today for a goal of 30 days, but after he confronted me I promptly poured a drink when he left to calm my nerves. I know I can turn things around but it seems so much more difficult when he...I dunno is part of my life??
    Just rambling thanks
    TM
    One out of four people in this country is mentally unbalanced. Think of your 3 closest friends...If they seem OK then you are the one.
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    #2
    The talk

    Ewww. I hate those talks. My Ex-husband was up on everything that I did, even though I thought I was fooling him. I am so sorry about your job. I have been underemployed the past 5 months and do not have anyone to help with my bills. I am glad that you are here and plan to get back on track. We are here for you. You can do this.
    "Decide-Which Voice in Your Head you Can Keep Alive" (Shinedown)

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      #3
      The talk

      TM, you mention that things are so much more difficult when he is part of your life...

      Is that because you don't get along with him, or because when he is around you can't do things your own way all the time. You can't have a drink because HE may see it; you can't start/work a program just the way YOU want to...

      Relationships make everything harder, but if you are truly committed to stopping it can also make things easier. My wife was at her wits end and ready to leave because I was sure that I could quit on my own, when I wanted to, without help from anyone else. Never mind that I was sure I could quit for many years...

      What I didn't realize was that I was making me 'an island unto myself.' She was locked out of the struggle, and I grew more and more distant from her. Every time she would want to talk, I would say what she wanted to hear (to get the heat off my back) and then go right back to my old ways. I couldn't admit to myself that I was an alcoholic and needed help, so how could I openly and honestly communicate with her about anything???? All she wanted was our family back...... And all I was worried about was myself.......

      So, go easy on him - he is trying in the only way he knows how. Try to be as open and honest as you can be with him (and with yourself). My wife is now my best friend, and I can talk to her about ANYTHING, including all the damage that I did when drinking. My whole family is aware of what I/we went through, and will actually consult me now when they have other people in their lives who are suffering with the same addiction. Go figure.....
      Sobriety Date: June 15, 2007 -- "It's not having what you want, It's wanting what you've got...."

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        #4
        The talk

        Thanks AAthlete. Part of it is that we don't get along (we have always ha problems) And part is the things that you said and that i just can' handle the talks. I say what he wants to hear and turn everything around on him. Otherwise I just sit there and cry and say "I don't know". Knowing all this I just don't want to talk. Thanks for the post, you made me think.
        TM
        One out of four people in this country is mentally unbalanced. Think of your 3 closest friends...If they seem OK then you are the one.

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          #5
          The talk

          Hi twinsmommy, I've been wondering about you. I'm glad to see you back.

          It's hard at first to stop turning to alcohol when we feel stress. But the first step has to be getting through it without the al. Perhaps no AL in the house?

          I take GABA for my "stress" When I really feel stressed I have some that dissolves under my tongue. It makes me feel better--so does walking.

          Remember--the AL doesn't help these situations--it makes them worse.
          _______________
          NF since June 1, 2008
          AF since September 28, 2008
          DrunkFree since June 1, 2008
          _____________
          :wings: In memory of MDbiker aka Bear.
          5/4/2010 In loving memory of MaryAnne. I pray you've found peace my friend.
          _______________
          The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.ray:

          Comment

            #6
            The talk

            HI TM, I was wondering what happened to you. Sorry to hear about the job and the slip, but remember, slipping happens all over the place and you need remember where you were and try to get back there as fast as you can.

            It seems like your husband has been, and still is, a big part of your problem-- your main issue, perhaps. I'm worried that if you don't manage to deal with this issue, you won't be able to deal with AL either.

            I'm in a very difficult phase of dealing with my other issues, maybe not so different from yours. After two years of extreme spiralling into dangerous binges ending me in the hospital twice and sustaining numerous injuries, I have hit rock bottom a number of times.

            I actually went to Lenair in May and it didn't work for me at all. When I called to complain, I was told that my problems were "way beyond alcohol". Pissed me off at the time, but after a while it sunk in. I had to do something drastic with my life if I wanted to ever conquer AL. I'd known this for a while, but it didn't really sink in, I guess. Or it just seemed too difficult, no, impossible.

            But here I am... temporarily separated from my family (not permanently), trying to piece together a new life and a new me, so that I can be the mother and wife I want to be, and also be the person I want to be.

            Staying AF since I left has not been a problem for me. I can relate to your feelings about your guy. Mine, with all his good intentions, drove me to drinking, as well.

            Anyway, clearly that is an issue you have to deal with... how, I don't know, it's different for everyone.

            I hope you will stick around. PM me if you want to discuss this more. I know we have more in common than an alcohol problem and issues with our partners.
            Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life... And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

            Steve Jobs, Stanford Commencement Adress, 2005

            Comment

              #7
              The talk

              Twins mom,

              I so hate the "talks" too! They stress me out so bad. The only time my husband wants to talk is bedtime. It has gotten so that I hate going to bed! I feel trapped. Whether it is about my alcohol problem or our relationship, I just dread it. He thinks he can get to the 'heart' of my issuses and keeps asking questions I can't answer. I feel like I live with a parent sometimes. I wish I could just tell him, 'thanks for trying, but I know its a problem and I have other plans for trying to quit'. But he would be offended.
              I actually asked for a divorce 3 years ago, and he desperately wants to keep us together. I know I don't love him anymore, and honestly maybe never did. There have been times when I think he has driven me to drink because he wants to be a "Mr. Perfect" to the outside world; Perfect house, perfect wife, perfect kids.....you get the picture. Then there was a point that I realized I wish he would just leave so I could drink without having to hide it. Then I knew I had a real problem.
              I will be thinking of you tonight. I truly know what you are going through!! If you want to PM me later and let me know how it went feel free. Good luck!

              Comment

                #8
                The talk

                Twinsmommy, I'm slipping back in after some time away, and your post really hit home for me. So often I can't relate to so many here, for whatever reason---even though we ALL share the same problem (we LOVE DRINKING too damn much) the circumstances are so varied.

                When my husband had THAT TALK with me a year ago, I was the model wife---tearfully agreed that I overdid it on the wine, needed to change, blah blah. We hugged, kissed, had fabulous sex, and woke up the next morning feeling we'd addressed an issue successfully. Then after he left for the office I went out and bought a big bottle of pinot grigio and drained it before he came home. While guzzling, I made a fabulous supper of prime rib, twice-baked potatoes, and a loaded Greek salad. The Functional Chef, that's me!

                I've tried AA (UGH, nevermore) and abstinence (made it up to 7 weeks once) then moderation (oh HELLO, AS IF) and did a week in France with wine from daybreak to bedtime...and I don't know what the answer is now.

                My husband loves me and supports me, but I don't know if he'd continue to do so if he knew just how clever I've gotten about concealing my habit.

                Our loving spouses cannot fix us. The best they can do is support and damage control.
                Jane Jane

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