What a week....or rather 10 days.
I was riding on a wave. Loads of photgraphic jobs, graphic work on the up, my cottage industry coffee wood house hold designs doing well to. THEN BANG. Suddenly got a call from one of my biggest clients saying that they had to cancel a photographic job, even though I was half way through it. I was devastated because I had worked hard for the contract and the cancellation affected my budget for the rest of this year.
I got mad because instead of calling me direct about the cancellation (due to their budget probs) they called my other half (who works for the company) to phone through the bad news to me.
I in turn wrote an e~mail to the concerned company's MD saying that I was not amused at their lack of guts and cancelling the job through someone else. RESULT... I have now been banned by the company to do any further photography and warned that if I make a fuss it could be detrmental to my business. In the same breath my other half took the side of the said company, and angry at me for sending the e~mail said that either I or he had to move out and that WE WERE FINISHED.
I have lacked the guts to finish our relationship for the last two years, and I have talked about this situation here many times. Its hard to talk about, partly because I can only write here quickly whilst he is out with the dogs for a while.
I've kept off the booze this last week because it frigtens me. I know that this is the worst time to get pissed, yet this small reprieve whilst he is out gives me the chance to make a strong Gin & soda (I dont even drink Gin... I hate it) but I just want to go to bed and sleep well.
My Dad, 76 years old is coming out in 3 weeks. His first visit to Tanzania, with his wife. I say "his wife" because I have a Mum who died in my house and a Step Mother who brought me up. Dad's wife is the first to agree that 2 Mums in my life are enough... but I think she is great and we get on well.
For the first time I have thought about going to AA in Arusha. Can't find their details. Also how do I qualify? I don't drink regularly. I don't hide bottles. I run a fairly successful company. YET.... I get pissed enough to let me down.
I got pissed for no reason last month, and was feeling so hurt by my other half that I flirted with someone else. I ended up getting raped and having to go to my doc who is a specialist in AIDS and asking him what I should do.
Spiritually I have grown a lot, yet my addiction to booze and cigs seems to be worse than ever, even though I believe in the word of God and desparately want to get this right. Not just for my self but because I believe all our paths in this life involve breaking a weakness through the strength of the Lord.
2 of my closest friends had very different reactions to what has happened to me. One, who is very religious, said that I was not understood. Yes, I drank a lot but because I was tough I was misunderstood. The other, also a good friend, told me to go round to his house and listen to his tapes about Abraham and the Secret.
I know that I have failed simply by writing here in a hurry. Gin and soda in hand. I just want to sort this out. Sort myself out. Retrieve my guts and pathway in life. Leave the booze and cigs. Get a life. Stop feeling scared.
I believe in God and his ANGELS, which all of us have designated to our safety through him. I have also learnt a lot, slowly but surely going to church over the last few weeks. A modern church I can relate to and can save the bible passages and read at home... silently in my sober moments (thats sober moments not dedicted to work).
My Dad will be here in 3 weeks with his wife. It must go well. Dad separated with my mother by birth when I was young. My step Mum who brought me up, through cancer. He was lucky in finding a new partner (which I told him from day one was great. So happy he found a companion and new love), and for the first time since he said he would disown me if I returned to Kenya (26 years ago) he is coming to see me in Tanzania. He's so excited and quite frankly I am as excited about him coming. Scared stiff.... but excited.
After Dad leaves, my sister and her daughter, my niece come on the 27th of Dec for New Year. After that I must re~direction my life. I have spent the last 7 years with someone, whom I loved entirely, have helped honestly and considerably and yet through my total ignorance have only just realized that I was nothing but a tool.
I believe in God and the Holy Spirit. I know that I am letting him down having a drink now. Writing this, I believe is not a problem.
I have read the bible recently more than before and it is helping me no end, simply because the words mean something to me because I've gone to the Non Denomination Church and listened to a lot that I can relate to. That I am thankfull for.
Meanwhile, I have a drink in hand whilst I write this. I do truthfully want to give this deamon up. See my strength and life clearly as I have before and even recently.
I believe in pray and I believe in numbers. Guys help me.
Must go.. He's Back.
I was riding on a wave. Loads of photgraphic jobs, graphic work on the up, my cottage industry coffee wood house hold designs doing well to. THEN BANG. Suddenly got a call from one of my biggest clients saying that they had to cancel a photographic job, even though I was half way through it. I was devastated because I had worked hard for the contract and the cancellation affected my budget for the rest of this year.
I got mad because instead of calling me direct about the cancellation (due to their budget probs) they called my other half (who works for the company) to phone through the bad news to me.
I in turn wrote an e~mail to the concerned company's MD saying that I was not amused at their lack of guts and cancelling the job through someone else. RESULT... I have now been banned by the company to do any further photography and warned that if I make a fuss it could be detrmental to my business. In the same breath my other half took the side of the said company, and angry at me for sending the e~mail said that either I or he had to move out and that WE WERE FINISHED.
I have lacked the guts to finish our relationship for the last two years, and I have talked about this situation here many times. Its hard to talk about, partly because I can only write here quickly whilst he is out with the dogs for a while.
I've kept off the booze this last week because it frigtens me. I know that this is the worst time to get pissed, yet this small reprieve whilst he is out gives me the chance to make a strong Gin & soda (I dont even drink Gin... I hate it) but I just want to go to bed and sleep well.
My Dad, 76 years old is coming out in 3 weeks. His first visit to Tanzania, with his wife. I say "his wife" because I have a Mum who died in my house and a Step Mother who brought me up. Dad's wife is the first to agree that 2 Mums in my life are enough... but I think she is great and we get on well.
For the first time I have thought about going to AA in Arusha. Can't find their details. Also how do I qualify? I don't drink regularly. I don't hide bottles. I run a fairly successful company. YET.... I get pissed enough to let me down.
I got pissed for no reason last month, and was feeling so hurt by my other half that I flirted with someone else. I ended up getting raped and having to go to my doc who is a specialist in AIDS and asking him what I should do.
Spiritually I have grown a lot, yet my addiction to booze and cigs seems to be worse than ever, even though I believe in the word of God and desparately want to get this right. Not just for my self but because I believe all our paths in this life involve breaking a weakness through the strength of the Lord.
2 of my closest friends had very different reactions to what has happened to me. One, who is very religious, said that I was not understood. Yes, I drank a lot but because I was tough I was misunderstood. The other, also a good friend, told me to go round to his house and listen to his tapes about Abraham and the Secret.
I know that I have failed simply by writing here in a hurry. Gin and soda in hand. I just want to sort this out. Sort myself out. Retrieve my guts and pathway in life. Leave the booze and cigs. Get a life. Stop feeling scared.
I believe in God and his ANGELS, which all of us have designated to our safety through him. I have also learnt a lot, slowly but surely going to church over the last few weeks. A modern church I can relate to and can save the bible passages and read at home... silently in my sober moments (thats sober moments not dedicted to work).
My Dad will be here in 3 weeks with his wife. It must go well. Dad separated with my mother by birth when I was young. My step Mum who brought me up, through cancer. He was lucky in finding a new partner (which I told him from day one was great. So happy he found a companion and new love), and for the first time since he said he would disown me if I returned to Kenya (26 years ago) he is coming to see me in Tanzania. He's so excited and quite frankly I am as excited about him coming. Scared stiff.... but excited.
After Dad leaves, my sister and her daughter, my niece come on the 27th of Dec for New Year. After that I must re~direction my life. I have spent the last 7 years with someone, whom I loved entirely, have helped honestly and considerably and yet through my total ignorance have only just realized that I was nothing but a tool.
I believe in God and the Holy Spirit. I know that I am letting him down having a drink now. Writing this, I believe is not a problem.
I have read the bible recently more than before and it is helping me no end, simply because the words mean something to me because I've gone to the Non Denomination Church and listened to a lot that I can relate to. That I am thankfull for.
Meanwhile, I have a drink in hand whilst I write this. I do truthfully want to give this deamon up. See my strength and life clearly as I have before and even recently.
I believe in pray and I believe in numbers. Guys help me.
Must go.. He's Back.
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