Here's my morning post again

[twinsmommy]

Ok well here goes again. I had said that I woke up feeling pretty good this morning. Sleep was difficult as I was told and I did have vivid dreams. The dreams were actually nice though but did depress me a bit when I awoke because it was about someone I miss very much. So I got up took my Topa and some supps and got the kids off to school. Rather patiently I might add. I came home and DH was still here. Not talking to me because I would not talk to him about my last incident so I went to do some laundry. When I came up he had gone to work much to my relief. But of course what was on the kitchen table but THE DREADED LETTER!!! Ya know the one I get from him when I clam up. And even sometimes when I don’t. The letter that instead of “the talk” makes me feel like crap. What I have done to him, us the family. The nightmare I have caused on and on. Not that all this is not legit and he does not deserve to feel the way he does it’s just the reason I avoid the talk and hate the letter is b/c on day 2 I usually end up feeling so low I just want to run back to the bottle. I always felt as if I was being interrogated by the police rather than talking to my husband. Never like I was being supported and helped just blamed, watched ,and “what are you going to do to fix it” kinda thing.
This time was different though. He did not seem as angry and did not hand me ultimatums, which in a way is sad. He did say he was going to go to counseling himself and al-anon and that he needed to know what I was going to do. I am glad he is going for help too, b/c I have always told him that I do not have the answers for him and cannot help him when I have not been able to figure things out for myself yet. Does that make sense?
The thing that really got me though is what he said about the kids. When I went to get them the other day I was late. I had also forgotten to make them Jello I promised them. When they asked why I didn’t make it I said b/c I was a bad mommy and I told them not to tell their father how late I got them b/c he would send me away. I was in panic mode and would usually never say these things but over that last week or so I had made him put them to bed gone to bed without tucking them in etc. All this b/c My drinking was getting bad again. He said on that last nigh my DD started to tell him something and my DS stopped her and said no you promised you wouldn’t tell. He got it out of them that I said he would send me away. My DS also said “two times mommy was too exhausted to tuck us in” This breaks my heart as well as my husbands and he is saddened b/c he feels they have been forced to grow up too fast.
This is only his side of the story but I am not going to try to defend myself or go on about things he has done.
I just wonder…No matter what I have done to me, my relationship, etc., will my kids be ok? Can I give them back what they have lost??
Back to the dream I mentioned earlier, I think one of my many reasons for turning to AL so much is I spend all my time regretting my past and fearing the future.
Sorry for the long rant.
Wish me luck on Day 2!

[AAthlete]

Here's my morning post again

TM, you can't take back the past but you can be there for their future.

My God, your story sounds so similar to mine it is scary. I would pass out on the couch in the basement sitting up (yeah, that's normal) and miss telling my son good night. Or I would be more concerned about drinking on the weekend then going and doing something together as a family -- and it ATE ME UP INSIDE. I was so remorseful for acting the way I did, but at the same time I didn't know how to escape so simply ended up drinking more to forget about it all.

But, there is hope, things change, and relationships can and do get better when you stop drinking. You will be amazed at the changes that occur, but it takes time and it takes a lot of effort on your part. I still remember being almost a year sober and my wife finding a receipt from a local liquor store in my stuff. Her first reaction was that I was drinking again (she was scared), but it was simply a place that I bought some cigars at. Here it was a year later - but I can't blame her.

What's done is done, and worrying about the past will do you no good. You need now to focus on the future and doing what you need to do to get sober (and be happy and content about it). If you do that, your husband and children will see the change in you, believe me.

[bestlifeldms]

Here's my morning post again

Twinsmommy, We can always change our future for the better. I wish my kids were young like yours so that they could have the best of me, the way I am now. They deserved that and did not get it. Now, as grown ups, they each have struggled in different ways. Some with alcohol. I hate that I gave them this legacy. I tell them that I am sorry and we talk of responsible approaches to alcohol. However, it would be better to be able to have corrected this when they were still young and I could have set an example of being the best person that I was capable of being. My husband, did the same things yours does. He would stone-wall me, the talks, the letters. My heart breaks when I think of the hurt and pain that my drinking caused him. The hardest of all was the "Why, why do you drink?" Crap, I still don't know... They can't understand because they are not addicted. I hope that you will find it within you, to keep going. My life is unbelievably amazing without alcohol. Yours will be too! Big hugs!

[noma'am]

Here's my morning post again

Hello. I am in a similar boat. My husband is furious with me and demanding that I never drink again. He says this is my problem and that I am on my own to fix it. I told him I was going to AA last night and he told me he doesn't care. Just leave him out of it. It is a relief for me to when he leaves for work and an anxiety rollercoast when he comes home. He really hates me. I don't blame him because I really hate myself. I to am not in a position to defend myself although he has not been an angel. I just have to suck it up and... I don't know what. Good luck to you. I hope it gets better for both of us.

[skootiemom]

Here's my morning post again

TM... hang in there Day 2 is big! I am pretty teary reading your post, as it brings up the major guilt from simple broken promises to my children. What I don't have in common with you is that my husband drinks just as much as me ( used to ), so like Bestlife, fear for the legacy which I may be leaving them .

But AA has it right, I can not feel bad and live in a past that I can not change... that will get me nowhere. I can only look to today and tomorrow and make things better, but also being careful not to 'make up' for past wrongs, because Supermom I am not, and to think I am and fail, will only put my daily life back in a bottle.

Embrace Day 2- you will see- it will get better. Some may shoot the messenger, but 30 days can be alot and too much to set you mind to today... but day 2 and 3, with some teeth gritting doable.

I wish you strength in your resolve today.

Skoots