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Why can't I do this?

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    #1

    Why can't I do this?

    I got drunk again yesterday. Really bad. Husband is pissed. Don't blame him. Blacked out a lot. I just don't get it. I say I want so badly to get better and then I just don't do it. I say I am going to do this program this time Then don't even take the Topa. I just drink instead. This is destroyng my family and my life and I know it but I keep on going.
    I felt so good when I was not drinking when I first joined. I want that again. I want a clean house, a good happy life without this woory about AL!
    One out of four people in this country is mentally unbalanced. Think of your 3 closest friends...If they seem OK then you are the one.
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    #2
    Why can't I do this?

    I have been trying here for over 2 years..And i am at the doctors tomorrow...Coz i have tried for 2 years and failed doesnt mean i will fail tomorrow..It means i have two years experiance and am more likely to succeed..
    There is no can't...It's just a matter of when..
    I don't care who you are...Your not walking on water while i'm fishing..
    One drink is too many... A thousand is never enough...Sober since July 2nd 2009

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      #3
      Why can't I do this?

      I am not sure why I am not taking the Topa. I know it works. I take it in the morning then later in the day start to drink instead of taking the next dose. Pretty stupid. Probably b/c I am out of work. I sit home and instead of being productive I watch tv and drink. Probably a depression thing.
      One out of four people in this country is mentally unbalanced. Think of your 3 closest friends...If they seem OK then you are the one.

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        #4
        Why can't I do this?

        You Can Do this and you Must!!
        I Must get this right and very soon. AL wants us dead, and it is only a matter of time.
        I know right where u are coming from. I do the same thing. I get a few weeks under my belt and I am off again. My experiences with AL have been nothing but negative over the past 19 years or so. The Fun went out of it along time ago. Now I am just sick.
        Is rehab an option for you? I am grateful for the time that I spent in rehab. I learned a Great deal. Now take your Topa and jump back on board.:l
        "Decide-Which Voice in Your Head you Can Keep Alive" (Shinedown)

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          #5
          Why can't I do this?

          Sounds like Antabuse might be helpful? Do whatever you have to do to stop. Sea is right, take your topa and stay on board!
          ...and get the booze out of the house!
          You, as much as anyone in the universe, deserve your love and respect. ~ Buddha

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            #6
            Why can't I do this?

            A doc did dianose me with PPD but the kids are 5 now (you did mean post pardom right?) what is the differenc with the Antabuse instead of Topa? I can't get the booze out. DH drinks. Not a lot usually but in the past he has gotten angry that he could not have a drink in his own house b/c of MY problem
            One out of four people in this country is mentally unbalanced. Think of your 3 closest friends...If they seem OK then you are the one.

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              #7
              Why can't I do this?

              God that pisses me off when people refer to it as 'our' problem. We didn't ask for this disease anymore then someone asks to get cancer, and it just goes to show how misunderstood it really is.

              That being said - are you sure that you REALLY want to quit (and I don't mean that in a bad way - read on)? You say you are going to do the program but don't; you are going to take the Topa but don't; you like the sober feeling but drink anyway.. To me it sounds like you are suffering from depression and are using alcohol to bury the feeling that are generated because of it.

              It's a vicious cycle that we get caught up in. Depression makes us feel like doing nothing, then we drink because we are depressed from lying around and doing nothing. I say that maybe you don't want to quit because you are so caught up in this circle that you don't see a way out.

              So, maybe start by making a daily plan. Spell out what you would like to get accomplished during the day and stick to it (that includes taking your Topa). You'll be amazed how much better your day goes if you knock items off your list first thing in the morning. May not hurt to also go see a doc - depression is nothing to mess with.
              Sobriety Date: June 15, 2007 -- "It's not having what you want, It's wanting what you've got...."

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                #8
                Why can't I do this?

                I am sure the depression is part of it. Although I have taken meds for it before and ended up drinking more and that is bad news b/c the effects of AL are amplified by the meds. I am truly lost. DH moved us away from family and friends when the kds were 9 months b/c we had a small apt and could not afford a house where we lived. So I really have no one here. My marriage is crap a lotb/c of AL and my drinking has a lot to do with my marriage and my loneliness. I have no job right now ( not due to AL) and the whole world is on top of me it seems. Tomorrow I will feel better then lost again. I just want to crawl into a hole.
                One out of four people in this country is mentally unbalanced. Think of your 3 closest friends...If they seem OK then you are the one.

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                  #9
                  Why can't I do this?

                  I was thinking about calling my neighbor who called yesterday. I don't know if I talked to her or not b/c I was too drunk. (caller ID) she is very nice and would be someone to talk to. But she is very religious and I don't know how well she will take my venting to her about all this.
                  One out of four people in this country is mentally unbalanced. Think of your 3 closest friends...If they seem OK then you are the one.

                  Comment

                    #10
                    Why can't I do this?

                    TM I really doubt that "venting" is what you need right now. Going to AA, on the other hand, would be a good idea. And whether or not you totally buy into their program is beside the point. You really do need some help with this, and AA'ers can be the best help in the world, especially for those who are in the midst of a very tough time, and still going back and forth about drinking, like you are.

                    wip

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                      #11
                      Why can't I do this?

                      I didn't really mean vent. I am just feeling very sad and lonely right now and although I love it here it would be nice to sit and have someone to talk to. AA is probably the better option.
                      One out of four people in this country is mentally unbalanced. Think of your 3 closest friends...If they seem OK then you are the one.

                      Comment

                        #12
                        Why can't I do this?

                        Twinsmommy.....I can so relate to everything you are going thru...I am in the same situation as you...kids, bored, depressed ...husband angry that i drink....etc..drink may well be causing your depression...Its a vicious circle isnt it......I will pm you I think.....XXXX hang in there Bella XXXx

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                          #13
                          Why can't I do this?

                          A Work in Progress;434046 wrote: TM I really doubt that "venting" is what you need right now. Going to AA, on the other hand, would be a good idea. And whether or not you totally buy into their program is beside the point. You really do need some help with this, and AA'ers can be the best help in the world, especially for those who are in the midst of a very tough time, and still going back and forth about drinking, like you are.

                          wip
                          i totally agree ..seek the help where ever you can .. stay strong and think positive
                          :beach: life does change as long as you are willing to change yourself ..
                          best thing about the future it comes one day at a time..

                          Comment

                            #14
                            Why can't I do this?

                            (((Twins)))

                            Hon I understand where u r coming from. I took Campral and stayed AF for over 30 days. Then I stopped taking it. Why? Well one of my excuses was my hubby kept drinking AND he was out of work AND I was mad at him because, in his case, he quit.

                            And yes, I had reason to be angry, as your hubby does when he sees you drinking, depressed and not motivated to do anything. But I couldn't make my hubby stop drinking and I didn't try to stop drinking myself.

                            Only YOU can decide to stop drinking. Sure there are all sorts of benefits of not drinking and there are all sorts of excuses to keep drinking. Depends what your motivation is as to which argument you will choose.

                            Keep coming here hon. I don't know what will turn the switch for you, for me, it was having a seizure, for some an accident, or a DUI, I hope yours is less traumatic for you and yours. :l

                            Comment

                              #15
                              Why can't I do this?

                              Hi Twinsmommy, I'm a mom of twins also. I understand the part about having the drink instead of the topa. The drink immediately numbs you - its a quick fix. The topa isn't. This is where choice comes in. Yah., most of the time I'll take the drink, but I'm not happy about it. Maybe we can do this together. I just started back a couple of days ago and already the justifications for drinking are sneaking in. My twins are almost out of the house and I'd like to enjoy the little time I have left with them. Yes, it is a depression thing. Unfortunately, some antidepressants make you want to drink more - talk to your doc. I really, really hope you can get through this. I'll be looking for your post. Just took my topa and it is 10 am here. Will Titrate up to afternoon dose in a couple of days. Just thinking that if you keep me accountable, maybe I can help you to be accountable. Feel free to send a private message. I take prozac and it seems to work for me (when I take it). Others didn't. I could go on. Take care. Keke

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