I'm a big loser

[Michaela]

Well, after 47 WONDERFUL AF days. I thought I had this thing under control. So, me and hubby go to his co-workers wedding on a boat for 4 hours at sea. I thought I would have ONE maybe TWO drinks and be okay. After all, I have gone 47 days AF. What a DUMMY I AM. One turned into two and three and then when my husband cuts me off becauase he overhears people saying how WASTED I was, I begin to ask STRANGE MEN to get me a drink because my husband cut me off. I was a stumbling drunk. I mortified my poor husband, I guess I danced with ALL THESE PEOPLE and groped them. I had SWORE to my husband those days were behind me and was doing a great job and here I lose it all in one day. He is so crushed. I say VERY MEAN things to him while I am UTI. So, here I sit feeling worse than any hangover has ever felt because I hurt the very person I love the most. He is at his end with me, and I don't blame him. I am the biggest idiot that I know and hate myself so much right now.

I'll jump back on the AF Army, but just pray I can get back in my husbands army. If it weren't for our 10 year old, I do think he would be gone and I can't blame him. I have only me to blame. BIG STUPID ME.

Thanks for listening.

Mich

[Guest]

I'm a big loser

you are trying , very hard and now you know that modding is bullshit for you, im sorry your feeling so down. Talk to him and tell him your trying so hard , sweet Jesus , thats all you can do babes!

[A Work in Progress]

I'm a big loser

Wow that sounds awful, I know you are just feeling horrific. Seems to me that all you can do is get fully focused on doing all the things that you know will help you to stay AF... and do so obviously. That will probably relieve and reassure him... it will take time for him to begin to trust that you won't do this again, and there's no cure for that need for time, except time... Apologies and promises are generally not well-received at this stage of the game, unfortunately...

best wishes,

wip

[Michaela]

I'm a big loser

Thank you Limers and Gia. I think that it was in a way a good thing. I know now I can never be a modder. I wish like heck that I could. I just feel so weak not being able to control something in my life. My husband can have one or two and be DONE. I so envy him for that and probably a bit resentful. It's just poison to my body and I just have to stay away. I just pray I didn't blow it and pray I can still hang in there with AF.

Thanks again.

Mich

[Michaela]

I'm a big loser

You are so right WIP, but that is the hardest thing is the WAITING. Like I said, I have no one to blame but ME.

[tlrgs]

I'm a big loser

well just wipe your tears away and get back on the bull of life .. we have all been there and done that so many times and the thing to do now is stop beating yourself up for it ..you cant change the past but you can learn from it and make things better for yourself and for your family.. thats what your hubby would want .. have a sit down and talk try to work it out and start anew .. you went 47 days af and you can do it again.. but this time dont look back.. keep going and do your best .. today is the first day of the rest of your life make the best of it ..stay strong and think positive

[DeeBee]

I'm a big loser

Yip, been there, done that!! Want to creep into a hole and die the next day! But you are here and that's what counts.

47 days AF is awesome, you can do it again!

[A Work in Progress]

I'm a big loser

Michaela;439927 wrote: You are so right WIP, but that is the hardest thing is the WAITING.

I know. It's just excruciating. Maybe he would be willing to listen to you telling him what, in your opinion, went wrong with your thinking, and how you plan to put safeguards into place for the future? Men like that kind of "how to fix it" kind of talking much better than they like the "feelings" kind of talking!

[Michaela]

I'm a big loser

Thanks Trigs. How did you know the tears were streaming? Your right. About sitting down and telling him that, I have done that SO MANY TIMES I am a broken record. My actions are the only thing that is going to save me now.

Thank you for your kind support.

Mich.

[IAD]

I'm a big loser

Mich......we're not losers.......we may lose a few battles , but the war ahead....we will win ! We fight all our lives to stay sober....it's a life long struggle.....those that leave because they think they are ok, are fooled. They'll be back. Stay strong and keep up the good fight ! IAD.

[Michaela]

I'm a big loser

Thanks IAD. Wise words.

Mich

[startingover]

I'm a big loser

Michaela, chin up girl and get back on that wagon.
You will feel better after a few days AF...

[noma'am]

I'm a big loser

Michaela,
I really feel for you. I did the exact same thing a few weeks ago. My husband was so humiliated at work and I thought he would never forgive me. And it wasn't the first time this had happened with people he works with. But time took care of the initial anger he had towards me. Now, it's simply a waiting game. Waiting to see if I really never drink again. I wrote down how horrible I felt the day after the "incident" and re-read it every time I think I might be able to drink again someday. As time goes by the whole things starts to not seem so bad until I read that paper again. Then I flash back to the anxiety, regret and fear that I felt that day and for many days afterwards. You will get through this and things will be better I promise. 47 days is awesome. Keep going. Every one makes mistakes and bad decisions. Even people who don't drink. No one in perfect. NO one.

[Michaela]

I'm a big loser

Thanks NoMa'm

It feels good to know that I STILL MAY have a chance to redeem myself with my husband. Thank you for sharing your story with me. I feel like a broken record to my husband. But, hopefully by the Grace of God and you good people I can make it. It's a big relief to know that I am not the only one who has done this. Not that it is by any means JUSTIFIABLE, just I guess....human and we all make mistakes or two or my case three or four.....

Thank you all for helping me pick myself up.

Mich

[Thankful]

I'm a big loser

Mich, congrats your 47 days. That's a huge achievement. At least you put in at least 30 days before you even tried to Mod. Many here try to skip that process and wonder why they struggle. So you be proud of that, girl!

Well, now you know. You can't mod. OK, it sucks, but life goes on. Believe it or not, that should be a huge weight off your shoulders because you are not always wondering now "when can I have a drink again". Poof! You have the answer.

Believe me, I am not trying to make light of your situation, but just trying to instill that life goes on. And sober living has amazing benefits. Yes, it will take time, but it will only get better. That's the thing to look forward to. Each new day will get better!

Your hubby obviously loves you. He wouldn't be so hurt if he didn't. He needs his time to heal just like you do. It is a time for action and he will eventually see that you are slowly succeeding.

You are not an loser. Your human, you made a mistake, you are taking steps to improve. Nope, doesn't sound like an loser to me! We are here for you, sweetie. You can do this.

Love, Me
:l