Ok People...where are the jokes?

[lukalee]

Thanks tlrgs for the jokes on the joke thread. Trying to get through Day 2. I challenge all of you to put your best jokes out there. We can vote and crown "the funniest of MWO!!!" Who's up for the challenge? My vote will go to the one who makes me piss, snort, or spew my lovely Diet Dr. Pepper out of my nose.

[tlrgs]

Ok People...where are the jokes?

oh that sounds like fun .. let me go look for a few

[tlrgs]

Ok People...where are the jokes?

here try this one lukalee

Sperm Sample



A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."



The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains,

"Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.

She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing.

Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOUR?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"

Get your mind out of the gutter!!!

[lukalee]

Ok People...where are the jokes?

LOL! How funny is that? I did laugh out loud, but I did not pee my pants.

[IAD]

Ok People...where are the jokes?

IAD.

[tlrgs]

Ok People...where are the jokes?

god she easy isnt she funny IAD

[dexterhead]

Ok People...where are the jokes?

Ha!!
I think I've already seen the "10-inch pianist" joke on here. I don't know many jokes. But I used to work with a guy who often said he once laughed so hard he passed a grilled-cheese sandwich thru his nose .

[IAD]

Ok People...where are the jokes?

Hay gang, love this thread.....Ha! IAD.

[IAD]

Ok People...where are the jokes?

Come on People....more input ! Ha! IAD.

[FindInverseGetIdentity]

Ok People...where are the jokes?

What is the difference snowmen and snow-women?


Yep, snowballs.


HeeHee

[lukalee]

Ok People...where are the jokes?

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would
Have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.(Hardly seems worth
It.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced
To create the energy of an atomic Bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to
Squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour(Don't try this at Home,maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its Body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)


The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.(Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

[tlrgs]

Ok People...where are the jokes?

Rectum Stretcher



While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 10 mph over), I noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge.

The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car and asked me, "What's the hurry? "

I replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

I responded, "I'm a rectum stretcher."

The cop said "What is a rectum stretcher, and what does a rectum stretcher do?"

I said, "Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand, then I work until I can get both hands in there and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide."

The cop asked me, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"

I simply replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridge..."

The ticket -- $95 dollars.

The look on his face, PRICELESS

[akgirl]

Ok People...where are the jokes?

lipstick

Here's one....


According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria,
BC recently was faced with a unique problem.

A number of grade 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

[tlrgs]

Ok People...where are the jokes?

Blonde Medical Dictionary



Artery.............Study of paintings

Bacteria............Backdoor to cafeteria

Barium..............What to do when treatment fails

Bowel................Letter like A E I O or U

Ceasarean Section....District in Rome

Cat Scan.............Searching for Kitty

Cauterize............Make eye contact with her

Colic................Sheep Dog

Coma.................Punctuation Mark

Congenital...........Friendly

D & C................Where Washington is

Dilate...............To live long

Enema.................Not a friend

Fester................Quicker

Genital...............Non-Jewish

Hang Nail.............Coat Hook

Impotent..............Distinguished, well known

Labor pain............Hurt at work

Morbid................Higher offer

Nitrate...............Cheeper than day

Node..................Was aware of

Outpatient............Person fainted

Post op...............Letter Carrier

Recovery Room.........Place to apholster

Rectum................Dang near Killed Him

Rheumatic.............Amorous

Secretion.............Hiding something

Tablet................Small table

Terminal Illness......Sick at Airport

Tibia.................Country in North Africa

Tumor.................More than One

Urine.................Opposite of 'you're out'

Varicose..............Nearby

Vein..................Conceited

[lukalee]

Ok People...where are the jokes?

I soooooooo love that one AK.