Alcoholic Spouses and MWO

[BecomingMeAtLast]

I've been looking for a thread like this for a while and can't seem to find one so I'll start it. I'd really like feedback on this.

I have been going AF and modding with MWO since Spring of this year (2008) and it's helped me a lot. The supps and CDs and MWO book and this forum, everything has been very helpful and supportive and I feel better about the direction I'm going in. I like having AF days and being able to mod. I want to get stronger every day. I love the feeling of being in more control and being healthier.

My husband is also an alcoholic. For those of you who don't like the term alcoholic, put in any other term you'd like. Abuses alcohol. Drinks too much, too often. It doesn't matter, it's all the same to me. I feel as if I've probably been an alcoholic since I took my first drink when I was 16.

My husband and I met under wonderful circumstances and one thing we shared was the love of partying. We both had good, responsible jobs, were in our late 20's and had fun.
Now, 19 years and two kids later, the partying's not the same. I feel it's time to grow up and get healthy and get my drinking under some sort of control. We're getting close to 50. My husband still wants to be the party boy. He's recently had a DUI and even that didn't seem to sink in with him. It's affecting his health as he's now on blood pressure medication and his doctor told him to cut down on his drinking. He hasn't.

It seems like a lot of people on this forum have the same situation. I have a very difficult time continuing with my being AF or modding in the late afternoon and evenings when my husband gets drunk at home every night of the week. Beer. Lots of it and he drinks it fast. I like wine.

My question is this, what do you others do in this situation? I know there's a lot of us. Sometimes I can be strong and realize I'm doing this for me and feel good about myself and other times I just feel so lonely and wish he would stop or at least slow down a bit. I know in my brain this is for me but it's hard watching my partner slowly kill himself. How do you guys stay strong in this situation?

Thanks for any help.

[river0123]

Alcoholic Spouses and MWO

Well, sadly my marriage has suffered a bit because of this. We used to sit together at night and drink, watch TV, chit chat. Now I don't go near him in the evening, as he wants me to drink with him. I go upstairs and play video games with the kids, hang out with them. He does not like that I've quit drinking, but I just can't be near him if I want to remain sober. He bought a bottle of wine (which he does not drink but thought I'd like) and stuck it in the front of the fridge. I move it back, he moves it forward. I think he would be very happy if I caved in.
I have no advise to offer. I know we are growing farther apart each day. We have been married 18 years and have three kids. I thought about it yesterday and we met partying. I don't think we know how to relate to eachother sober, as we never have been.
This is a big "hmmpphh!"

[LVT25]

Alcoholic Spouses and MWO

Hi becoming

First off, congrats on your success with MWO. I could have written your entire post pretty much word for word. I stated early this spring also, and once I finally committed to 30 days, which turned into 60+, I feel pretty successful at modding myself. It's been a mind-change, I don't know if it's the cd's or just how I am, but I'm not complaining. I don't crave alcohol. It doesn't even sound tempting to me most of the time. I used to think I loved my beer and could never give it up--glad I was wrong--has a lot to do with quitting smoking which was my main goal when I started this journey.
But, back to your question. I am doing better handling hubby's drinking. Luckily, he's a happy drunk, so sometimes it's not all bad. Seems he's in a better mood when he's had a few beers. I get irritated though when he doesn't remember things I tell him or won't listen when I talk. I don't think he's super comfortable drinking around me, so he does most of his drinking home, but in his shop. Soon, I hope to discuss how he feels about me not drinking anymore. I'll admit, at times I avoid him when he's been drinking, I just go to bed early. I also dug out my copy of "codependent no more" which helps. I still take the True Calm before bed, but I was taking extra GABA when I could feel a case of the bitchies coming on. I also try real hard not to say anything about his drinking--I don't want to sound "holier than thou" and he gets a little defensive. I believe he will cut down this winter, but I'm not holding my breath. I made the comment the other day that perhaps he could get off his bp medicine if he quit drinking & chewing. He grunted.:H
I love my hubby, but I worry about his health. So many of our friends drink quite a bit--I wonder if they would if they knew how good it felt to be sober. I also worry about DUI's. The cops are really cracking down and even patrolling the county roads around here, so he is not going to the bars much at least!!
I could go on and on, I feel a little guilty posting so much about my hubby, but it is an issue, and maybe we can help each other. Feel free to pm me!!
Gotta go!

[AAthlete]

Alcoholic Spouses and MWO

Fortunately I am not in this situation, but if I were I guess I would need to seriously evaluate my marriage if my spouse refused to do anything about it. This is just me, but I don't think that I could stay sober long-term (given my past) if my spouse was partying like that.

There is a saying that goes "anything I put in front of my sobriety I will lose" and I truly believe that. If I were to put my marriage in front of doing the things that I need to do to stay sober then there is a good chance that I would would have neither. You are moving on and growing while he is stuck in the past, and sooner or later you may need to choose which life you want to lead (and he will need to decide which one is right for him).

[BecomingMeAtLast]

Alcoholic Spouses and MWO

river, my hubby will also enable for me. If he sees there's been no wine in the fridge for a while, he'll buy me some without my asking and he knows what I'm doing. I think it makes him uncomfortable but we had a good talk about it the other night and now he understands how serious I am about this. We work together so we talk on the phone during the day, sober, but at night, he's pretty much always buzzed.

lvt, you're lucky your hubby is a happy drunk. Mine used to be but now he gets mean. With me and with the kids. I worry about my hubby's health, too. A friend of ours just died at the ripe old age of 47, our age. He was a close friend of ours and my husband is going down the same path. It's scary.

I agree, AA. There may be some point where we may have to part ways. He just won't grow up in many ways. It would be so sad and such a waste of so much time together and so much history with our kids and family. There have been many happy moments. I don't know.

[hart]

Alcoholic Spouses and MWO

Hon I can so relate. My hubby is an alcoholic and when he drinks I am not strong enuf not to also. We quit together for 34 days, so I know we can do it. But, whatever feeling, incentive, wherewithall that was there then, just hasn't been for a while. I think what may make me is that I have gained weight on all the beer. Vanity may save my ass.

But I do hear you hon. :l

[BecomingMeAtLast]

Alcoholic Spouses and MWO

I just wanted to thank everyone for the PMs. I guess I understand this is very private for a lot of people. I'm here if anyone ever needs to talk about it.
Becoming :l

[Waiting for his way out]

Alcoholic Spouses and MWO

Becoming, I did not stay strong. I did all the crazy things I could think of to deal with my husband, who has a problem. I had long periods of insanity, even suicidal thoughts to kill the pain. It was as if I had become another person, now looking back just less than 3 months ago.. I was another person. I read my initial posts and I can see the pain in my words, it makes my heart beat faster to remember all the moments and horrific situations I had never faced in my life before.
As you do, I felt so lonely until I spoke to other people and understood he behavior is not an isolated case, too many people go through the same things every day.
I hope it does get better for you, as it did for me. good luck

[BecomingMeAtLast]

Alcoholic Spouses and MWO

Thanks, waiting. Talking with others is helping me a lot, it's true. I don't feel so isolated any more.

[Waiting for his way out]

Alcoholic Spouses and MWO

what was the most amazing thing for me was to find out that some of my friends for years, either had previous bad relationships with AL spouses or were themselves recovery alcoholics. I had no idea until I reached out for help, so you never know where help will come from. I am here at MWO because my husband mentioned it.. Now I am here and he is not. go figure

[BecomingMeAtLast]

Alcoholic Spouses and MWO

OMG, that is so ironic. I know some of my friends (locally I mean) are in the same boat. I could bring it up, I think. It might be a good idea. Thanks again.

[kriger]

Alcoholic Spouses and MWO

Becoming,
Before I stopped drinking our household was one where the beer flowed all the time. Both my hubby and I drank to excess daily. When I stopped my husb continued but he was totally supportive of my choice. He continues to support me 100% so I feel for you if your hubby is still buying wine and putting it in the frig to tempt you. I have been able to remain AF because of everyone here and because of his support.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't worry about his health. He has gotten thinner and thinner to the point I think he has wasted away. I have had to detach from that a bit to survive myself. I have reached a point where I don't have cravings, per se but that doesn't mean I don't ever have thoughts of the drink- I do. I still have a buy beer every day to stock the frig and that makes me a little resentful. My hubby gets very loving and affectionate when he drinks so part of me (maybe) is afraid to force the issue of sobriety because I will lose that part of him. I also know that he has to be the one to make the decision to quit or cut down. Some days are harder than others, especially when he gets really drunk and I get really irritated but all in all I know I will never leave him. We've been together for over 28 years which is half my life so I really can't imagine life without him. I have had to back off with the part of me that wants to control him and hope that he finds his own way out. LVT suggested the book "Co-Dependent No More" and I plan to read that but haven't as yet. We have been in a mutual co-dependency for so long and it is so entrenched in our daily lives that I know that part of our dynamics needs changing.

Best wishes to you in your especially difficult journey. Communicating without being accusatory is key in this type of relationship. I am working on this but I find it is difficult not to sound "preachy" when I am sober and he is drinking. Feel free to PM me any time. We are travelling down such a similar path. Kriger

[CS04]

Alcoholic Spouses and MWO

Becoming,
I started a thread on a similar situation, called "Spouses Who Drink." You may want to search it out.

When I was AF back in May and June, hubby continued to drink every night, and I hated it, resented it, made it so much more difficult for me. I am back to struggling with AL, but I don't blame him. It would be easy for me to say that I drink because hubby does, but that is a cop out. I need to have the resolve myself. I did ask him to do a week AF with me in August, which we did; maybe we should try it again.

[BecomingMeAtLast]

Alcoholic Spouses and MWO

kriger & CS,

Thanks so much. You're right, I think I am a bit preachy and will back off on that. I need to learn how to search for threads and I'm going to look for yours, CS, thanks. I'm a big reader so I'll probably pick up that book. I always seem to start these books and never finish them. It's as if I'm afraid of change. But I know it's so needed.

I feel the same, I'm 19 years into this marriage and there's a lot of history. I care for my husband and it's hard to watch this. He's just been denied life insurance today due to his drinking. His answer? "I'll just have to live, I guess." He really doesn't seem to care about his family as he should. He just too selfish from the AL.

I need to set the example more often. I've noticed that sometimes when I'm AF he cuts back. That might start things in the right direction. I also might simply tell him I'm afraid he's going to die from this. I just need to catch him when he's sober.

Thanks all, you're the best :l
Be