This really is a request for advice.
As many of you have read I have 6 children. The two oldent are my step daughters(17 & 14), and they have been with us since 2000. Their mother has her moments where she can be wonderful and supportive. But when she is drinking, or out at the bar, she is a different person. She likes to call here and tell me that I am not their mother so they don't have to listen to me. She lives in Pennsylvania so location is not an issue.
I refer to my sd's as my children. They are as much a part of my family as my own. Recently the teenage acting out has come to a head with the 17 yo. She is skipping about 6 classes a week, at risk of failing her senior year. She no longer follows the rules in the house. Is up on her phone all night. Last months phone bill had 12,832 text messages in 29 days. In other words she is literally up all night texting. She has no chores, and I gave up the master bedroom with the only private bathroom 3 years ago thinking that would give her a little piece of mind. I had just painted it to my liking and bought a new shower door. She has trashed the walls by taping up pictures on EVERY millimeter of space, and the hinges on the door are broken because she slams it when she's mad. She also has the only locking door in the house.
My 17 yo is smart. Dispite her grades she is very smart, she uses her brain to scam her dad all the time. She knows she can't get away with it with me, so her dad is her target. He is a police officerand a firefighter who works 12 or 16 hour day's depending on the week.
She is a soapbox kind of girl. When I was drinking, she would hit me(that stopped when my hubby had her picked up), and berate me about how I wasn't doing my job, I was stupid, I was lazy, etc.etc. She has started with the "You're not my mother" ritual, and my 5 yo and 3 yo have started it too. My 7 yo thinks that if the 17yo can tell me no and get away with it so can she.
Although I know that I am none of those things, as an "alcoholic"(I hate that word), those things hit hard, sometimes the bad stuff is easier to believe. I am college educated and run my own business. My hosue is always clean, the laundry never piles up and I take pride in the fact that we sit down as a family to dinner every night. We only order take out once a month, so that's a lot of cooking for me.
Changing diapers, making lunches, chaperoning field trips, doctors appointments, permission slips, breakfasts, snacks twice a week for kindergarten, house cleaning, parent teacher conferences, sets for the school plays, getting kids to basketball or soccer practice, cello lessons, JROTC competitions, that's all me. And it's NOT because my husband won't help, but with his schedule, and the timing of most things it is nearly impossible for him to do things like that.
Anyway, for a long time my husband would tell me(not ask) not to make waves. Don't give my 17yo a hard time and things would be easier around the house. I didn't listen to him because I thought that she needed to be reigned in before she got herself in trouble. She likes to get on her soapbox when she gets in trouble and turn everything around to be my fault. I am the problem and her life would be so much easier if I weren't in it. We've told her that she can go back and live with her mom if she want's and she doesn't. She says that she doesn't skip school, that the teachers are wrong.(I confirm via email when she misses class). The teachers enter the wrong grades, or the math teacher doesn't like her and wants her to fail. We'll ask her to do something around the house, she tells us it isn't her job, she walks out and goes and stays with a friend. She burns her bridges there and comes home.
I have the schedule for 7 of us mapped out everyday. It is important to know what has to be done ahead of time. She will wait until the last minute to ask for a ride to work(a job she did not ask before she got, and where she has blown every check on clothes-I no longer give her money). If I say yes then I have to bundle everyone else up in the car in a hurry, now that it's below zero outside that takes a while, and if I already have things that have to be done, someone is going to be late, or I have to miss something. If I say no, then and I quote I am a "selfish bitch".
So yesterday while my husband was at work, she finally decides to come downstairs at noon as we are getting ready to leave to deliver cheesecakes. I have everyone bundled up(as it was -10) and the car loaded and running. Now we have all been up for hours, me since 3:30 and the kids since 7, and have cleaned the house, had breakfast AND lunch, and expected to be gone running errands(grocery store, deliveries to the old folks home, cleaning my mother's office, dry cleaning, meeting a school mom for coffee so the kids can play) for 2 or 3 hours. She asks for a ride to work. So I ask her why she couldn't have asked me the night before. She replies "I shouldn't have to ask, you should make sure I make it to work". That was it!!!!!
Here's how the conversation went:
Me: You got the job without consulting us first.
Her: It's my right to have a job and if you're not going to buy me a car then you have to make sure that I get there.
Me: If you went to class and passed all your classes you would have a car. Plus you were offered a car and you turned it down.
Her: I don't want someone else's used car, and you wanted me to pay for my insurance. If I live here, you have to provide it.
Me: No we don't. All we have to provide you with is a roof, food and clothes.
Her: I deserve more. You never do anything for me.
Me: Why don't you start doing what you are supposed to be doing like going to class and doing your homework?
Her: Why don't you stop being a stupid alcoholic?
Me: Yet you continue to ask me to take you to work, make you things for the bake sales, make stew for 50 people, drop everything so that you can go shopping.
Her: You're supposed to do those things.
Me: Not if they interfere with the lives of the other 7 people who live here. Everyones schedule is just as important as yours. If you were ever home you would know that.
So that's the gist of it. So last night my hubby finally put his foot down. She has no responsibilities here, no chores, doesn't check in when she is supposed to, skips class, blows her paychecks, doesn't pay rent, or insurance. Dear hubby told her that this was not a bed and breakfast. She either helped out or we didn't do things for her.
She refuses to accept responsiblity for anything. Her grades, her sty of a room, her schedule, the things she has broken, her skipping class. Yet she continues to call me and my children names and berate me. I have told her that the way she is living is not reality, and that she needs to start learning that now, or she will be in for a rude awakening. She says that I am just jealous because she has friends and a life and I don't. Which I guess is right, but not at the same time.
Just a heads up, I have never told any of this to anyone. Only my husband truly knows what goes on here.
So I am washing my hands.
I will not take her to work or pick her up without 24 hours notice and not if I have to change one of the other kids schedules to do it.
I will not make her stuff to take to school unless she has gone to all her classes for the week prior.
I will not call in for her just because she is too tired to go to school because she was up all night on the phone.
So any opinions?
I know this was a lot but I feel so good right now!!!
As many of you have read I have 6 children. The two oldent are my step daughters(17 & 14), and they have been with us since 2000. Their mother has her moments where she can be wonderful and supportive. But when she is drinking, or out at the bar, she is a different person. She likes to call here and tell me that I am not their mother so they don't have to listen to me. She lives in Pennsylvania so location is not an issue.
I refer to my sd's as my children. They are as much a part of my family as my own. Recently the teenage acting out has come to a head with the 17 yo. She is skipping about 6 classes a week, at risk of failing her senior year. She no longer follows the rules in the house. Is up on her phone all night. Last months phone bill had 12,832 text messages in 29 days. In other words she is literally up all night texting. She has no chores, and I gave up the master bedroom with the only private bathroom 3 years ago thinking that would give her a little piece of mind. I had just painted it to my liking and bought a new shower door. She has trashed the walls by taping up pictures on EVERY millimeter of space, and the hinges on the door are broken because she slams it when she's mad. She also has the only locking door in the house.
My 17 yo is smart. Dispite her grades she is very smart, she uses her brain to scam her dad all the time. She knows she can't get away with it with me, so her dad is her target. He is a police officerand a firefighter who works 12 or 16 hour day's depending on the week.
She is a soapbox kind of girl. When I was drinking, she would hit me(that stopped when my hubby had her picked up), and berate me about how I wasn't doing my job, I was stupid, I was lazy, etc.etc. She has started with the "You're not my mother" ritual, and my 5 yo and 3 yo have started it too. My 7 yo thinks that if the 17yo can tell me no and get away with it so can she.
Although I know that I am none of those things, as an "alcoholic"(I hate that word), those things hit hard, sometimes the bad stuff is easier to believe. I am college educated and run my own business. My hosue is always clean, the laundry never piles up and I take pride in the fact that we sit down as a family to dinner every night. We only order take out once a month, so that's a lot of cooking for me.
Changing diapers, making lunches, chaperoning field trips, doctors appointments, permission slips, breakfasts, snacks twice a week for kindergarten, house cleaning, parent teacher conferences, sets for the school plays, getting kids to basketball or soccer practice, cello lessons, JROTC competitions, that's all me. And it's NOT because my husband won't help, but with his schedule, and the timing of most things it is nearly impossible for him to do things like that.
Anyway, for a long time my husband would tell me(not ask) not to make waves. Don't give my 17yo a hard time and things would be easier around the house. I didn't listen to him because I thought that she needed to be reigned in before she got herself in trouble. She likes to get on her soapbox when she gets in trouble and turn everything around to be my fault. I am the problem and her life would be so much easier if I weren't in it. We've told her that she can go back and live with her mom if she want's and she doesn't. She says that she doesn't skip school, that the teachers are wrong.(I confirm via email when she misses class). The teachers enter the wrong grades, or the math teacher doesn't like her and wants her to fail. We'll ask her to do something around the house, she tells us it isn't her job, she walks out and goes and stays with a friend. She burns her bridges there and comes home.
I have the schedule for 7 of us mapped out everyday. It is important to know what has to be done ahead of time. She will wait until the last minute to ask for a ride to work(a job she did not ask before she got, and where she has blown every check on clothes-I no longer give her money). If I say yes then I have to bundle everyone else up in the car in a hurry, now that it's below zero outside that takes a while, and if I already have things that have to be done, someone is going to be late, or I have to miss something. If I say no, then and I quote I am a "selfish bitch".
So yesterday while my husband was at work, she finally decides to come downstairs at noon as we are getting ready to leave to deliver cheesecakes. I have everyone bundled up(as it was -10) and the car loaded and running. Now we have all been up for hours, me since 3:30 and the kids since 7, and have cleaned the house, had breakfast AND lunch, and expected to be gone running errands(grocery store, deliveries to the old folks home, cleaning my mother's office, dry cleaning, meeting a school mom for coffee so the kids can play) for 2 or 3 hours. She asks for a ride to work. So I ask her why she couldn't have asked me the night before. She replies "I shouldn't have to ask, you should make sure I make it to work". That was it!!!!!
Here's how the conversation went:
Me: You got the job without consulting us first.
Her: It's my right to have a job and if you're not going to buy me a car then you have to make sure that I get there.
Me: If you went to class and passed all your classes you would have a car. Plus you were offered a car and you turned it down.
Her: I don't want someone else's used car, and you wanted me to pay for my insurance. If I live here, you have to provide it.
Me: No we don't. All we have to provide you with is a roof, food and clothes.
Her: I deserve more. You never do anything for me.
Me: Why don't you start doing what you are supposed to be doing like going to class and doing your homework?
Her: Why don't you stop being a stupid alcoholic?
Me: Yet you continue to ask me to take you to work, make you things for the bake sales, make stew for 50 people, drop everything so that you can go shopping.
Her: You're supposed to do those things.
Me: Not if they interfere with the lives of the other 7 people who live here. Everyones schedule is just as important as yours. If you were ever home you would know that.
So that's the gist of it. So last night my hubby finally put his foot down. She has no responsibilities here, no chores, doesn't check in when she is supposed to, skips class, blows her paychecks, doesn't pay rent, or insurance. Dear hubby told her that this was not a bed and breakfast. She either helped out or we didn't do things for her.
She refuses to accept responsiblity for anything. Her grades, her sty of a room, her schedule, the things she has broken, her skipping class. Yet she continues to call me and my children names and berate me. I have told her that the way she is living is not reality, and that she needs to start learning that now, or she will be in for a rude awakening. She says that I am just jealous because she has friends and a life and I don't. Which I guess is right, but not at the same time.
Just a heads up, I have never told any of this to anyone. Only my husband truly knows what goes on here.
So I am washing my hands.
I will not take her to work or pick her up without 24 hours notice and not if I have to change one of the other kids schedules to do it.
I will not make her stuff to take to school unless she has gone to all her classes for the week prior.
I will not call in for her just because she is too tired to go to school because she was up all night on the phone.
So any opinions?
I know this was a lot but I feel so good right now!!!
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