Dysfunctional Family Dynamics-Step-Children

[nancy]

Dysfunctional Family Dynamics-Step-Children

Hi Akmom

That sounds like a nightmare situation. She is treating you horribly.

I agree that her father needs to play more of a role.

I don't have kids so maybe this isn't good advice.. but is leaving her alone an option? I mean, taking a hands-off approach toward everything, school, whether she stays up all night, all that. It's her life and she is being impossible. Getting involved in trying to make sure she doesn't screw up her life is causing a lot of strife and it doesn't seem to be helping her change. You could tell her that you want the best for her and will be there to help her with school if she wants it.

You still will have to set ground rules for giving rides to work and that will still be a potential cause for tension. You will still need to set rules for how she talks to you and the other children, whom I suppose she might be jealous of because they have their two parents there. I would try to eliminate all causes for tension and ignore her where possible. And of course it will be good for your own self-respect to get your drinking under control.

Again, I am not a mother...

Nancy

[akgirl]

Dysfunctional Family Dynamics-Step-Children

periwinkle;452843 wrote: First, you and your husband need to get on the same page. The two of you should sit down without any of the children around and come up with a game plan, then he needs to speak with her. Then the three of you need to have a talk.

GREAT Advice!!!!

[akgirl]

Dysfunctional Family Dynamics-Step-Children

nancy;452869 wrote: And of course it will be good for your own self-respect to get your drinking under control.

Nancy, Akmom is AF...over a year I think.

[periwinkle]

Dysfunctional Family Dynamics-Step-Children

akmom;452805 wrote:
Anyway, for a long time my husband would tell me(not ask) not to make waves. Don't give my 17yo a hard time and things would be easier around the house.

Sorry, I missed the "for a long time..." and thought he was still telling you not to make waves. So has that improved? Has he explained to her that she must listen to you? I still think the two of you should have a meeting without the other kids around to discuss the game plan. Then follow through with the other meetings.

I would strongly suggest "Love and Logic" books and programs by Foster Cline and Jim Fay (like you have so much "extra" time for reading, eh?).

When I first married my hubby, his daughter came for her first visit (she lived out of state). My boys always had chores. I gave her a simple chore to do (at 9 yo my boys were doing much more than I asked of her). She told me that she didn't do chores and she wouldn't do it. My hubby told me "don't make waves, I don't want her to not want to come for visits". But my boys were like "what! why do we have to do chores and she doesn't?" And they were right! It wasn't easy to convince my husband of that in the beginning. But in the long run he saw that I was right. This is a really simple example compared to what you're dealing with now. But it's all about those smallest mountains first. And yes, the challenges got bigger as she grew older. The other children in your household are learning by her example, you are seeing it and the 17 yo is basking in it. You owe it to the younger ones to get this under control. And the time is now.

This is a tough situation for you. You will be in my thoughts an prayers.

periwinkle :l

[akmom]

Dysfunctional Family Dynamics-Step-Children

First let me say that my hubby is the greatest!!! He really is hands on and is totally supportive of discipline and we do set the rules together. What is the tough part is that most of the confrontations happen when he is at work, and by the time he gets home exhausted I am wary about stressing him out too much so I do not always go into the gory details of the issue. It is my fault for not telling him everything that he has to deal with, not his. So as she has seen that, it has gradually gottten worse over the last month or so. I have posted that the last few weeks have been the most stressful of my AF existance.

Peri, it started out that way when she moved in with us 8 years ago. No chores, just settling in, and I let it go on too long. It gradually became the norm for it to be that way and when my husband finally caught on, it was too late. So I take responsibility for that.

Just a heads up, She didn't come home last night because her dad called her and told her that she had to apologize to me. So I went to my mothers this morning, unexpectedly, to fix her filter. 17 yo calls me and says she needs to get into the house to get shoes for work. First, she was at work lst night when she decided not to come home, so she has her work shoes with her. Second I was elbow deep in ice water when she called. I told her I couldn't, she said "You better come home and let me in the house" "You didn't tell anybody you were going to be gone so how would I know to take my stuff". So apparently she is more important than my 63 yo widowed mother.

AAARRRGGG

Anyway, my husband is very supportive and tells me to do what I think is right and he will support me because he is not here to help me make the decision, but it is I, who choose to give in just the once thinking I am picking and choosing my battles wisely, only to come out on the other end smelling like the sewer. So to speak anyway.

[akmom]

Dysfunctional Family Dynamics-Step-Children

Nancy.....that was the decision that I made last night. I guess you could say "a tit for tat". As she begins to follow the rules that her dad and I have set then I will start doing things for her. This next week will be the hardest, as my hubby works, noon-10pm M, T, W and 6am-10 PM T, F, S, and 6 am-6 pm Sun due to annual EMT training.

So I'm trying....I still think in my mind that if I try harder then she will get it. But I know in my heart it will just end up hurting my other kids in the long run.

[akgirl]

Dysfunctional Family Dynamics-Step-Children

I'm glad your hubby suppports you. It must be rough with the hours he works.

I think you have the best attitude, and your other kids will see that. She has to understand the basic rules. If she follows them, she will be rewarded...if not, there are consequences. Then you have to follow through. Easier said than done, thats for sure.

My son slammed and punched his bedroom door one too many times....now he doesn't have a door. But at the same time I can be the worst about giving in to "keep the peace". So I totally understand what your going through :l

Stand strong, you are a good mom. Don't let her make you feel any less!!

[periwinkle]

Dysfunctional Family Dynamics-Step-Children

akmom,

Yea, I totally read that wrong the first time.

I'm glad to hear that he told her she had to appologize to you and didn't give in to her. You do have your hands full and you can't always drop everything for her. She needs to know she has a place but not at the expense of all other family members.

Stick to your plan with her. It is really hard work but worth it in the end. I have a really good relationship with all three of my kids now that they're adults. I too think of my SD as my kid. I only refer to her as SD when clarification is needed for the conversation.

I think you are doing well. Hang in there. I believe it will get better for you.

periwinkle :l

[akgirl]

Dysfunctional Family Dynamics-Step-Children

bump

More input please

[Lila]

Dysfunctional Family Dynamics-Step-Children

I just want akmom to keep posting, and us to keep encouraging her. I don't envy her, and I pray she stays strong. I think it is what everyone in her household, including the 17 year old REALLY needs. Keep posting, akmom, I wish you strength and you are on the right track.
Lila

[Michaela]

Dysfunctional Family Dynamics-Step-Children

Hi AKMom

I can TOTALLY relate. I had a step son who was SO MEAN AND CRUEL to me and acted like an ANGEL when his Dad was around. His Dad and I had a daughter and SS was always being SO MEAN to her. What I had learned was this kid just needed some TLC. When I would call him honey or be sweet to him or hug him it was like he was a different child. I sadly didn't do this that often because he made me SO MAD most of the time I figured it wasn't worth it, but in hind site, I wish I would have been more loving to him. He is an adult now and he REALLY deep inside loved me and probably just wished I treated him like I did my daughter. I don't know if your SD would want love and affection right now, but hey, it's worth a shot. Hard to know what goes in the heads of our kids. Also when my own daughter became a little too big for her pants I told her it was a PRIVELIDGE to live with me once she turned 18. I drew up a contract that stated everything she needed to do to live in MY HOUSE. I told her if she continued to break the rules of the contract, she would be forced to leave. She knew I meant business and straightened up her act. I just gave the same advice to my brother for his daughter. I also told her it is for HER OWN GOOD and that I would always love her and be there for her, but she needed to be responsible for her own actions.

Please keep posting. I know how trying it is on you.

Mich

[1967]

Dysfunctional Family Dynamics-Step-Children

ugh.
i would say you are 'over the top' cooperative w/this child.
i would throw things on your husbands plate for a while. tell him you need a break and he needs to step up.
and she isn't going to graduate w/the number of absences she has currently. i know every state has a certain number of days. perhaps they are bidding their time until they can simply dismiss her.
i am sorry about all this, you certainly don't deserve it.

[akmom]

Dysfunctional Family Dynamics-Step-Children

So, she was supposed to work at 10:00 this morning. Even threw a fit because I wasn't here for her to get in. She just comes running in the door just now, wanting to know if I am going to make her stew for her to sell at school tomorrow. She did not apologize to me like she was supposed to and guess what.....she was going to work. So what happened to 10:00 am this morning. AAARRRGGGHHH. Then she wants to bring all of the things home at 10:30 tonight for me to put together a stew for her to take tomorrow. How long would some of you think it takes to put a good stew together. From scratch with no idea what she is going to bring home from the store tonight.

OMG!!!! Am I crazy.....anyone.....am I totally out of line for telling her no, I will not piece together a stew tonight at midnight for you.

My blood pressure is out there!!!

[akmom]

Dysfunctional Family Dynamics-Step-Children

Oh, so instead of coming home this morning because she "didn't" have to work, and working with me on the stew....... she went shopping this morning....spent $287.35 on little baskets, jewelry, clothes, and a $25 bottle of bath wash. Must be nice. I clip those coupons that gives you the $.79 bottle of body wash and shampoo from Fred Meyer's. I wear $9.00 Navy spray and wear clothes from Value Village.

To think I actually almost told my mother she would have to go without water for an hour so that I could come home and open the door for her so she could get her shoes for work. Oh god am I really that gullible!!!

[akgirl]

Dysfunctional Family Dynamics-Step-Children

You stick to your guns! And I would say no stew!

:l