Dysfunctional Family Dynamics-Step-Children
Akmom,
I've just seen this thread, and let me tell you, I've got an 18 year old daughter that just left for college, but she and I have had our struggles as well. My husband and I even went to a few counseling sessions because we were at wits end about two years ago with a lot of her attitude towards us, me in particular. I realize the step parent issues, only my situation is reversed. I am her biological mother and husband is step father who came in when they were very young.
Anyway, the BEST advice I ever recieved was from our phenomenal counselor. I implemented her advice, and it worked. Not overnight; in fact, it actually got worse before it got better, but counselor warned me that would happen.
Basically, she clearly pointed out that having no boundaries means you will get run over. Sounded simple, but she pointed out in every single area that we were butting heads with our daughter, that it was basically the result of our lack of clear boundaries and counsequences that was giving my daughter the open door to run over us. You are clearly being run over and your SD knows this and is taking full advantage of it.
What our counselor told us to do was for the two of us to sit down together and make a plan. I would talk to your husband and let him know ASAP that you need to talk to him when he is rested and can carve out time to really listen. Update him on the severity of the situation and the two of you need to write out a game plan. What are you going to allow her to do and not do from now on? Then you need to have a CLEAR plan as to what actions you will both take should she violate your boundaries/ rules, and be in agreement. She WILL violate them and she will expect you to kiss her toes and do as she orders as you have in the past. She will throw a huge fit when you stick to your guns and you will be tempted to give in to her. DONT. She will realize as you stick to your guns and she sees a united team with you and your husband, she will have to make a choice. She can adjust her behavior, or go home to Mom. Then I would not do one more thing for her until both you and your husband sit her down together. I would not do this alone because she will run over you and probably get up and walk out and slam the door to that master bedroom, which by the way, YOU should be sleeping in, not her. That would be the FIRST thing I would change! Her having that room was a privelege, one she has abused. If she doesnt want to share a room with the younger ones, toss her a sleeping bag and tell her there is plenty of floor space.
Then be prepared for her fits and resolve ahead of time to stick out your plan. I would have it all in writing, and be sure to give her a copy of it and let her know there will be no more rides to work unless certain conditions are met. School comes first, working is a privelege and you are not her slave. I wouldnt go out of your way to do anything for her until her attitude begins to change.
I know this sounds harsh, but I had to do this with my daughter. She threw her fits, slammed the door (which my husband then took off the hinges and works very well by the way). So she had to dress in the bathroom and had no more privacy. The door did not go back on until we had a sincere apology.
So there's my two cents.. or four! :l
My daughter did not change overnight, but she DID re-adjust her attitude and starting showing much more respect. We still have our issues here and there, but nothing like before.
I wish you all the best and I know it is SO tough!
Akmom,
I've just seen this thread, and let me tell you, I've got an 18 year old daughter that just left for college, but she and I have had our struggles as well. My husband and I even went to a few counseling sessions because we were at wits end about two years ago with a lot of her attitude towards us, me in particular. I realize the step parent issues, only my situation is reversed. I am her biological mother and husband is step father who came in when they were very young.
Anyway, the BEST advice I ever recieved was from our phenomenal counselor. I implemented her advice, and it worked. Not overnight; in fact, it actually got worse before it got better, but counselor warned me that would happen.
Basically, she clearly pointed out that having no boundaries means you will get run over. Sounded simple, but she pointed out in every single area that we were butting heads with our daughter, that it was basically the result of our lack of clear boundaries and counsequences that was giving my daughter the open door to run over us. You are clearly being run over and your SD knows this and is taking full advantage of it.
What our counselor told us to do was for the two of us to sit down together and make a plan. I would talk to your husband and let him know ASAP that you need to talk to him when he is rested and can carve out time to really listen. Update him on the severity of the situation and the two of you need to write out a game plan. What are you going to allow her to do and not do from now on? Then you need to have a CLEAR plan as to what actions you will both take should she violate your boundaries/ rules, and be in agreement. She WILL violate them and she will expect you to kiss her toes and do as she orders as you have in the past. She will throw a huge fit when you stick to your guns and you will be tempted to give in to her. DONT. She will realize as you stick to your guns and she sees a united team with you and your husband, she will have to make a choice. She can adjust her behavior, or go home to Mom. Then I would not do one more thing for her until both you and your husband sit her down together. I would not do this alone because she will run over you and probably get up and walk out and slam the door to that master bedroom, which by the way, YOU should be sleeping in, not her. That would be the FIRST thing I would change! Her having that room was a privelege, one she has abused. If she doesnt want to share a room with the younger ones, toss her a sleeping bag and tell her there is plenty of floor space.
Then be prepared for her fits and resolve ahead of time to stick out your plan. I would have it all in writing, and be sure to give her a copy of it and let her know there will be no more rides to work unless certain conditions are met. School comes first, working is a privelege and you are not her slave. I wouldnt go out of your way to do anything for her until her attitude begins to change.
I know this sounds harsh, but I had to do this with my daughter. She threw her fits, slammed the door (which my husband then took off the hinges and works very well by the way). So she had to dress in the bathroom and had no more privacy. The door did not go back on until we had a sincere apology.
So there's my two cents.. or four! :l
My daughter did not change overnight, but she DID re-adjust her attitude and starting showing much more respect. We still have our issues here and there, but nothing like before.
I wish you all the best and I know it is SO tough!
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