Sabotaging Self

[Reenie]

Hi All: I haven't posted in a long while. I've been doing the best I can with staying away from the drink. I do this by reading a lot and going to AA meetings. I also talk to my sponsor every day. Well, I'm starting a new job tomorrow. I have been working as a full time realtor the past 6 years. As you all know, the market is pretty bad right now, although people buy and sell every day. I decided to go back into the corporate workforce for several reason. The first being money and earning a consistend paycheck. The second, because selling real estate has not been going to well for me for the longest time, and I feel it's best to put my efforts towards something where I can earn a living on not defeat myself... Rambling.... Anyway, I told my sponsor to keep an eye on me this weekend, as my husband was going hunting (I'll be left alone), and because I'm a bundle of nerves about starting my new job tomorrow. I was GOOD Friday night. I wasn't GOOD on Saturday. I went to the mall by myself. I shopped a little. I went to Applebees and ordered a salad and a glass of Cabarnet. Then another Cabarnet. When I got home from the mall, I decided to visit my sister in law as I knew I could cop a few more drinks there. I poured my vodka drinks. They were stiff. I stayed for about 2 hours. I live about a mile away, yet I can't believe I drove home. When I got home I was buzzed big time. I decided to vaccuum. I slipped on the stairs carrying my vaccuum. I hurt my arm. My sponsor left 3 messages for me. One on my home phone the other 2 on my cell. At 9:15 pm she called again. I was slurring my words and in a panic. I knew I got caught drinking. I lied saying that I wasn't drunk and or had not drank earlier that day. I woke up feeling like crap. Not only am I scared to death to start my new job, I feel extremely bad for lying to my sponsor. I spoke to her this morning and continued with the lie. I told her I wasn't going to the 9 am meeting, that I would be going to one later in the day. I did show up in the parking lot at one later today, but didn't go in! I didn't feel like going into a meeting where I didn't know anyone. I was also to hung over and too nervous to bother going in. I will tell my sponsor the truth in time...... Right now, I have to get to the core of the matter as to why I am so scared to re-enter the corporate world. I feel like I always have to bring EVERGTHING in my life down with me. The company who hired me did hire a professional person. I just have a flaw. That flaw being alcoholism. I have gone 8 months with out a drink, 4 months, 5 months, 3 months etc... Each time I pick up, the guilt is over whelmimg and it chips away at my self esteem. I know I will feel better once my firt day at the job comes and goes. I also know, I will feel better when I tell the truth. I also know that I must get back on track. Drinking isn't enjoyable for me anymore. It really tears away at my emotions and how I view myself.

[lushy]

Sabotaging Self

First, congratulations on the new job. Of course you are nervous. You have had a career that was basically run by you and now you will have to answer to others; that can be daunting.

I wish I had an answer as to why our brains think having a drink is the right thing to do when we know it is not. I guess in the moment it feels right but after the fact we know it wasn't. I think your long stretches of AF are very commendable.

Good luck at the job this week.

[brittzak]

Sabotaging Self

Reenie, you sound like me this week. I have done the same 8 months, then 4 months...I can assure you your sponsor already knows you lied. Remember the sponsors are alcoholics too. Dust off and start over. Everyone is nervous when starting a new job. Be kind to yourself today....drink lots and try to get some soup down. Tomorrow is a new day. I ordered Topa and Antabuse...I KNOW they work for me so if it means taking them to stay sober, so be it. I also attend AA. This battle never ends, but we are gonna keep fighting.

[kriger]

Sabotaging Self

Reenie,
I just want to jump in and offer my support for you. Try to do something to take your mind off your fears...take a long walk....do some exercise....go to the mall...do anything you can to divert your attention away from AL and your apprehensions about your new job. You will do just fine!! Try not to drink today so that you are fresh and clear headed tomorrow. You know you can do this as you have done it before. Best wishes for tomorrow and keep in touch here. Kriger

[Reenie]

Sabotaging Self

Lushy, Brittzak & Kriger: Thank you so much for responding. I'm drinking my tea, took my vitamins and did go for a nice walk with my dog. I know, This Too Shall Pass. I also know, alcohol is a depressent and for me, it really just isn't fun anymore. It's also true our minds think in a way that says, "It's okay to drink". But it is not. I'm back to writing in journal and have to remind myself on a daily basis, how good and confident I feel when I'm sober. I also have to write down how badly I feel when I do drink. Not only is the hangover awful, my self esteem goes down the tube. It's so true.... my sponsor is an alcoholic too. It wouldn't be fair to her or myself to continue with the lie. I will feel better when I get it off my chest... which I will do. I will confess to her in a day or two.

[AAthlete]

Sabotaging Self

Reenie, of course you are scared - I would think almost anyone would be in they completely changed their profession.

It's what we do about being scared that sets us apart. As problem drinkers it is all too easy to turn to booze to calm our nerves when those types of situations arise. The harder part is to be honest with ourselves when those cravings arise. My guess is that you thought about calling your sponsor before you ordered that galss of wine, but decided not to because you had your mind set on having that drink.

I say that because I did the same thing early on in my sobriety. I plain and simple wanted to get bombed, and if I had called my sponsor and been honest with him about how I was feeling, he would have tried to talk me out of it (and I would have felt incredibly guilty).

You talk about telling your sponsor in due time, but I would bet that she already knows. We like to tell ourselves that we are good at hiding our drinking, but if I were your sponsor it would have been pretty obvious to me what happened. I'm sorry that you feel so bad right now, but I would also encourage you to be open and honest with yourself and those around you. It is the first step in restoring the self-esteem that you feel like you are losing.

Best of luck to you in your new job and your search for sobriety..

[Reenie]

Sabotaging Self

AAthlete: It is good to hear from you. I considered emailing you earlier today. I often wonder how you are doing. You and I started to go to AA around the same time. Congratulations on year plus and for your advice. -Reenie

[beatle]

Sabotaging Self

Reenie, I appreciate your honesty, and I empathize.

You said "This too shall pass"-- which is something my therapist reminded me about. She said when I feel really bad, I should remember that the feelings will go away, like a wave, and I should recall that, so that I can get through the rough patches. It has helped me a lot.

I think you are doing really well.

[Accountable for Me]

Sabotaging Self

Reenie, you will do awesome. No doubt about it. Hold your head up high, breath deeply and keep telling yourself you can do this.

It is really nice to see you post again.

Things will be OK, they really will.

[Michaela]

Sabotaging Self

Renee,

Thank you so much for sharing. I know the guilt all too well that you are talking about. Thank you for posting to REMIND ME of how I ALWAYS feel after drinking. I just went 47 AF days and got cocky with myself and thought I could handle ONE drink at a wedding on a boat. Needless to say, I had to be carried off and embarrassed my poor husband at his co workers wedding. I am glad to say the guilt is slowly going away, but in a way, I need a constant reminder of it.

Good luck at your new job. I think any sort of change is scary.

Please let us know how your day goes and try not to beat yourself up. It happens and hopefully we learn from it.


P.S. Congrats are your 8 mos! That's awesome! I look forward to saying that one day.

Mich

[Michaela]

Sabotaging Self

Sorry I forgot the I in your name!

[Reenie]

Sabotaging Self

Thanks for all you advice and inspiration! I'll check in later this evening when I get home from my first day. I know that once I'm there, say Hi to my new co-workers and get settled in my desk, I'll be fine. Michela, I feel for you with getting drunk at the wedding. It doesn't matter how many days you go AF. As soon as you "pick up", you pick up where you left off, if not worse. I have to keep reminding myself, it's just not worth it. Nothing feels as good as being sober does.

[Frequent Traveler]

Sabotaging Self

Just went 21 days and then did the "I can handle one" routine, WRONG....back on the wagon and on day 4. I will overcome...I quit smoking 4 years ago and I know I can do this. Thanks everyone for this wonderful web site.

[Chief]

Sabotaging Self

Hi Reenie.....hope your first day was enjoyable.....I'm sure it's fun and exciting....

I'm a realtor, too, so I know what you mean......I've been bored and now that winter is coming I'm thinking about getting a part time job to keep me busy. During the summer I can work outside in my yard and stay busy......winter is different.....you can only clean the house so many times....lol

Starting a new job is a great time to stay AF....you want to have a clear head and clear eyes when you go to work every morning......

Glad you're back....

Don

[Reenie]

Sabotaging Self

Thanks again everyone! My first day went well. I'm a little rusty with the type of Sale I'm doing, but know in a couple of days it will all come naturally to me again. I agree with you Chief. This new job of mine will keep me sober. I've done it before, I can do it again. My lack of sales in real estate lately have given me too much free time. Too much free time in that the "stinking thinking" came back and made me feel like I could handle alcohol once again. I can't. One drink leads to another. End of story. The guilt that comes along with the hangover is awful. It's just not worth it, let alone what could happen to me or to another while I'm in a black out. As for Frequent Traveler, I'm happy to hear you are back on track after having gone 21 days. I bet you felt great during those days and are proud of yourself to have reached day 4 already. Sometimes it takes a lot of baby steps to get it right. In time, we problem drinkers "Get It" and realize the first drink isn't worth it. The first drink brings with it a domino effect, and that means more and more drinks till the bottle is gone, the nasty hangover, the guilt and overall foggy brain.