I haven't been around in a while and today I felt like checking in to see how everyone is doing and to share where I am.
I joined here early this year and did 92 days AF. Then it was my 10th wedding anniversary and I thought I could mod. We had champagne and wine with dinner. And then wine the next day. And slowly I was back to the hidden bottles and rotating liquor stores daily.
In August we had friends over to swim and drank mojitos . . . the pre-mix kind to which I added more rum. I hadn't been that drunk in a long time. It was not pretty. I was sick much of the next day, as was my husband. The nauseous feeling wouldn't go away after a few hours like it usually did. And I had a dull ache in my side. I figured I had finally done it - sent my liver over the edge. The nausea didn't go away for 3 days. The ache about the same.
I kept thinking "I really am going to die. I am not going to see my child grow up. I am going to let her down and my husband."
Amazingly, after 3 days, the craving came back, but this time I kept telling myself "I thought I was going to die. I thought it was the end and it will be if I keep it up." For a couple of weeks that was my mantra "I thought I was going to die."
It is now 65 days later. I haven't had a drop even through birthdays and company and some of the busiest, most stressful time of my business' annual cycle. I haven't used campral or the supplements or any of that this time, though they certainly helped the first time.
I don't plan to ever try to moderate again - I just can't. My husband can have a glass of wine here, a beer there and is just fine. I am ok with having it in the house now but try not to kiss him when he tastes like it - it just bothers me.
Anyway - I wanted to come back and say hi and tell those who are struggling that sometimes it takes a try or two but if you keep trying, eventually something clicks and you can break free. I plan to keep plugging away one day at a time and adding to that total.
Hugs to everyone in the battle.
I joined here early this year and did 92 days AF. Then it was my 10th wedding anniversary and I thought I could mod. We had champagne and wine with dinner. And then wine the next day. And slowly I was back to the hidden bottles and rotating liquor stores daily.
In August we had friends over to swim and drank mojitos . . . the pre-mix kind to which I added more rum. I hadn't been that drunk in a long time. It was not pretty. I was sick much of the next day, as was my husband. The nauseous feeling wouldn't go away after a few hours like it usually did. And I had a dull ache in my side. I figured I had finally done it - sent my liver over the edge. The nausea didn't go away for 3 days. The ache about the same.
I kept thinking "I really am going to die. I am not going to see my child grow up. I am going to let her down and my husband."
Amazingly, after 3 days, the craving came back, but this time I kept telling myself "I thought I was going to die. I thought it was the end and it will be if I keep it up." For a couple of weeks that was my mantra "I thought I was going to die."
It is now 65 days later. I haven't had a drop even through birthdays and company and some of the busiest, most stressful time of my business' annual cycle. I haven't used campral or the supplements or any of that this time, though they certainly helped the first time.
I don't plan to ever try to moderate again - I just can't. My husband can have a glass of wine here, a beer there and is just fine. I am ok with having it in the house now but try not to kiss him when he tastes like it - it just bothers me.
Anyway - I wanted to come back and say hi and tell those who are struggling that sometimes it takes a try or two but if you keep trying, eventually something clicks and you can break free. I plan to keep plugging away one day at a time and adding to that total.
Hugs to everyone in the battle.
Comment