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**A Work in Progress** · October 30, 2008, 01:14 PM

not having such a good time

Peri, I get it. It's really, really hard... and nobody has any clue how hard this is unless s/he has been through it. There are all kinds of little (or big) tricks our minds will use when we feel (when we are) misunderstood, too, that make it easy for us to think about drinking... anger, resentment arise... and they can easily turn into a decision to drink.

It's good you came here to talk about it. Do that a lot, OK? It's an important part of getting through these early days of your AF commitment!

best wishes,

wip

**Lila** · October 30, 2008, 01:25 PM

not having such a good time

hi Peri
Sorry to hear all this! I am proud of you that you are staying strong in the face of all these stressses. I want to also give you encouragement.
Could it be that your husband has some unresolved issues...? Having two beers in front of you just seems like, you know, marital picking fights, maybe he was trying to upset you, have a fight to get rid of tension he may be having...something?
Not to try to read his mind or anything...
Of course you are fragile, you are rewiring!
Lila

**on my way** · October 30, 2008, 01:27 PM

not having such a good time

Peri...one of the greatest things about MWO; you can come here and let fly a good rant, vent your frustration, maybe even have a good cry. Letting go of those frustration means one less tool for AL to drive us to drink.

It sure is nice to have a kind ear to listen....peri, hope the weekend goes better for you!!

nat

**BecomingMeAtLast** · October 30, 2008, 01:31 PM

not having such a good time

peri,

Boy do I understand! I'm not in your exact spot but pretty darn close. I work from home and have, at times, sat here and watched the clock 'til it clicked on 4pm. That's when I would "allow" myself the "pleasure" to unwind and drink. I'd black out most nights till I came back here, to MWO.

Stress is a huge trigger for me. Yesterday was a bad, stressful day. I was successful at modding but my husband went out and got stinking drunk. Very drunk. It was awful. It's so hard with him not supporting me. We have our own issues with alcohol, we both need help. I'm getting it, he's not. I think he resents me for trying to help myself.

I'm glad you posted. We are all, in so many ways, in the same boat. I wish I could say something magical to make things better for you, especially with the hurt you feel from your husband, but I just don't know what to say. Mine isn't there for me, either, and it hurts so much sometimes. He is a good man but alcohol has taken it's toll on our marriage. I hope your husband, in time, will see the efforts you're putting in to this. I hope mine will, too. :l

Be :h

**boozehag** · October 30, 2008, 01:37 PM

not having such a good time

Hi Peri
First well done on day 12! I think what you are experiencing might be quite normal at around that time - its the little AL devil in you fighting back from the deprivation - it knows now you are trying to kill it and it will throw anything whatsoever at you including using perceived (or real) injustices or resentments by or at your own family to make you drink. It is very devious I tell you. You might find that once you get to day 21 or so and you can see the light at the end of the 30 day tunnel you will feel really excited and happy and those issues will fade into insignificance. you also might find that once you get to day 30 you want to continue to day 60. The longer AF time you have under your belt the more successful modding is likely to be.
You are doing great - keep it up.
BH

**periwinkle** · October 30, 2008, 01:37 PM

not having such a good time

Thanks for your replies,

I am crying omw. I have been since I started writing this post.

[WIP, your latest avitar kinda freaks me out! LOL It's funny, I got so used to seeing you as this pretty pink hibiscus flower. It's just such a different side of you. Hey at least it made me laugh.] And you are so wise. Sometimes some of the things you say here make so much sense I don't want to hear them kind of the "la la la la" symdrome. But that's when I know I must listen. I'm already believing that 30 days AF may not be enough of real life to prepare me for successful control.

Lila, It's not like hubby to be mean spirited. But I also wondered after I hit the send button. Huh, maybe he was testing me to see if I would cave in and have a glass of wine at the restaurant after such a stressful day. Doesn't seem like him, but then neither do many of his actions.

All I can really do is keep myself in check. I just feel like this crazy lady I don't know today. Is that normal?

peri

**periwinkle** · October 30, 2008, 01:46 PM

not having such a good time

BecomingMeAtLast;456028 wrote: peri,

Mine isn't there for me, either, and it hurts so much sometimes. He is a good man but alcohol has taken it's toll on our marriage. I hope your husband, in time, will see the efforts you're putting in to this. I hope mine will, too. :l

Be :h

I think that's one of the things today. This is not like him. He has been very supportive. He doesn't have a problem with AL he can take it or leave it. I just didn't really get it when he didn't leave it under the circumstances at the restaruant the other night. Then to dump on me when I was asking for his help isn't like him either. So my only explanation is that this is a famioly issue and it's taking more of a toll on him that either of us realized.

peri

**gettingthere** · October 30, 2008, 01:52 PM

not having such a good time

Hi Periwinkle,

First off, congrats on 12 days AF !! I am getting close to my 30 days AF, and I feel very healthy. But it doesn't change my life situation. I still want the 'escape' from my hopeless marriage. I still get very, very cranky when I want a drink and I can't! ( I am taking Antabuse) But at least I am dealing with my issues head on. And now you can too. Keep it up. Not sure what your hubby's problem is, but I hope he snaps out of it!

**periwinkle** · October 30, 2008, 01:58 PM

not having such a good time

boozehag;456030 wrote: Hi Peri
its the little AL devil in you fighting back from the deprivation - it knows now you are trying to kill it and it will throw anything whatsoever at you including using perceived (or real) injustices or resentments by or at your own family to make you drink. It is very devious I tell you.

Yes! The deprivation! I think you hit something for me there. One of the mod rules I've written down is that I can't drink out of negative emotion. When that came up Tuesday, I was ok with that for the time being because it was my 30 AF committment. Ok fine, no drink. But when I thought about it later, I thought, "that sucks"!! I used to so much love that drink after a stressful day! That buzz took me away from those awful stressed feelings and I will never get to have that again. You are so right, that in my mind was deprivation! And hubby got my buzz, now that's really not fair!

periwinkle :teeter:

**boozehag** · October 30, 2008, 02:12 PM

not having such a good time

Peri
Love your little see saw picture - that sums it up perfectly. Dont worry that little devil will be on the run soon and you can get off the see saw and maybe have a go on the swings - but dont go on the roundabout whatever you do! Its a bit like having a multiple personality isnt it. The way I think about it is that I always have to be couple of steps ahead of myself....
BH

**GoodAsGold** · October 30, 2008, 03:38 PM

not having such a good time

You're acknowledging your feelings & sharing them here. Whether or not you can make sense of them, you're moving with them & through them. Sometimes these things make more sense in retrospect. Hubby may just feel a bit wrong-footed at the moment (is that the right expression?). When you were drinking his drinking wasn't an issue right?

SO WELL DONE on day 12!!! Stay close
Gold

**Waiting for his way out** · October 30, 2008, 03:58 PM

not having such a good time

Peri, treat his mood swings as "relapses" of the supporting person. Basically, he may have fallen off the wagon of his supporting behavior. I know I have many times, I supported and still support my husband in his journey to be free of AL, but honestly sometimes I have enough. so.. next time he does not seem himself maybe you can think he is just had enough for a day or two. Take care of yourself . Don't let his change in mood stop your own journey.
12 days and more to come !!

**periwinkle** · October 30, 2008, 06:22 PM

not having such a good time

GoodAsGold,

His drinking has not been an issue. It's like Roberta in the MWO book, how does he drink that soooo slowly? And I'm thinking, my "rock bottom" was that I realized I lied to him about how much I had to drink. That was my "bottom". I am aware of some horrific stories about very sad situations. I don't want to be making excuses. I was drinking way too much. He has a right to feel the way he feels. I think I was just taken back by the timing of it. I will talk to him about it. For me it will be all about the right timing, that's just me.

periwinkle.

**periwinkle** · October 30, 2008, 06:29 PM

not having such a good time

Waiting, I was hoping you would respond. I always appreciate your perspective. I'll try to keep your comments in mind. A local friend of mine with several AF years told me kind of the same thing today. It's been all about periwinkle for a while now. Maybe he needs it to be about hubby for a few minutes? It seemed to just put me in a fragile spot at my most vulnerable moment so far.

Well, I've cried enough today to last me for a while. I need to drink a bunch of water to rehydrate myself tonight. Tough day today. I hope tomorrow is better.

Thank you all of you for your words of encouragement and support!

periwinkle

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