not having such a good time

[periwinkle]

not having such a good time

As I thought about all this AF stuff yesterday and this morning, I think I need to take some of the responsibility where hubby's attitude is concerned. It's complicated. I hope to be able to moderate - eventually. I know that if it doesn?t work out for me I will need to give up AL completely. But I want, of all people in the world, for my husband to believe in me! I want him to believe that I will be able to moderate. But I keep hearing from him that he thinks I might not be able to. I don?t want to go in to this with something to ?prove?. I want to go into this for me. So in some ways, I'm not really letting on to him how hard it is to do this 30 day AF commitment. It's like, if I let him in on the secret he might think that I?m worse than I really am. Which in turn makes me think that maybe I really am worse than I thought I was! Even just writing that makes me think I am going crazy! :bonkers: Am I?

[DeeBee]

not having such a good time

Nope you aren't crazy!!

I found that my hubby gained a new found respect for me after i had done 2 months AF for ME... I didn't do any of it for him, or even my daughter... it was all about me!! I had to in order to get through it... if hubby and I had a fight then I would've just resorted back to AL to spite him... so it had to be all about me. Selfish, maybe... essential, definetly.

Do what is right for you Peri!

[Waiting for his way out]

not having such a good time

I like to think we are all just a little crazy one way or the other Catch him on a good day and have a quiet, prepared, conversation. He may not believe you right away, but time is on your side.

[BecomingMeAtLast]

not having such a good time

I agree with Dee. My husband respects me when I go AF. But he's not like your husband, mine is an alcoholic, too, and understands how hard it is to do. It does have to be all about you. It's not about him or anyone or anything else. You're doing it for you and you deserve it. Don't feel bad about being strong.

Be

[rubywillow]

not having such a good time

Periwinkle, don't make excuses for anyone elses behavior. We all have our own issues, and we have to deal with them personally. My Hubs is a very good husband, accept in one, big area here. He feels completely justified in dredging up every awful thing I've done while drinking, how much I hurt him, what a fool I've made of myself, how much I've cost him, I must not love him if continue to drink. I can't help him if he won't learn about this disease. It's VERY hard, and it hurts me so much.It does not help in any way with my fight. I don't need to be berated. Maybe he isn't strong enough to go thru this with me, but I won't be talked to like that when I'm iin the battle for my life. Just a thought. You DO have to be selfish. That's very hard for me. But I'm getting better at it! You'll never get that kind of talk from us, dear!

[periwinkle]

not having such a good time

Ruby, I'm not good at being selfish. I'm the fixer of everyone elses emotions. That's what I do. How do I do this?

[rubywillow]

not having such a good time

periwinkle;456713 wrote: Ruby, I'm not good at being selfish. I'm the fixer of everyone elses emotions. That's what I do. How do I do this?

Same here, P. I'm the go-to guy! Hubs complains because I take on everything, then he puts more on me. I reached the breaking point, between that and the AL. Fixing that one day at a time, too. That's another reason Hubs is not a happy camper. Think about what YOU need today, first. I know it's hard and it will surprise a lot of people! Try it tho!:l And, P, you will reach YOUR breaking point, if you don't work on yourself! Love yourself, honey!

[periwinkle]

not having such a good time

I'm so scared I'm loosing him.

[DeeBee]

not having such a good time

Ah Peri, I'm so sorry!
Have you thought about the fact that you could loose yourself, your true worth if you don't do this?

[rubywillow]

not having such a good time

Oh, P. I'm sure that's not the case. He just doesn't know what to do right now. Take care of yourself, and get well, and he will learn to trust again, I'm sure. Don't set yourself up to fail, or for the worst. If he didn't love you, he would have left already, right?

[periwinkle]

not having such a good time

I don't know what to feel right now. I'm feeling alone right now. My husband and I do everything together. I don't feel like he's in this with me. It doesn't feel good.

[rubywillow]

not having such a good time

I don't know the right answer, P. You do have us today to talk to. Maybe he's afraid too. Could be that's why he's acting out. Things DO get better, hon.

[periwinkle]

not having such a good time

It just sucks. I just want us to be us. It feels like everything we do together involves drinking. I don't really want to do anything right now because I just don't want the exposure. Yea, I think he is hurt by it. And I'm just really emotional right now.

[GoodAsGold]

not having such a good time

I commend you on giving this so much thought P, & being honest about your fear of losing hubby.
All I can offer is to say keep it simple now, very simple. If your relationship needs some work then that will best be done sober, right? How do you best stay sober, concentrate on you & your recovery.

'Selfish' has such negative connotations. In my book it's having the ability to put yourself first. And that can then be used when necessary - sometimes, not all the time. Sometimes you'll feel strong & centred enough to give support to others. Other times you will need support & get it from others if you ask them. And yet other times there will be no help coming your way & you will need to support yourself, wrap your arms around yourself, come to MWO for some virtual hugs! I think the trick may be observe where you're at as different situations arise & decide whether you can give, whether you need to take, or whether you have to step back & practice being selfish & putting your recovery first for the sake of everyone concerned. We all have limits & we need to respect them
Love & luck to you
Gold xxx

[BecomingMeAtLast]

not having such a good time

peri,

What you're doing is altering the family structure. It's change. Some people adapt to change better than others. You need to focus on YOU and you'll be surprised how things turn around. Have you told him how scared you are, in a nice quiet setting? Can you do that? If you're as close as it sounds, maybe if you opened up to him he would be able to understand more. I did with my hubby this week. I showed him some of my vulnerability and that is NOT me. I think he respected that. He's certainly been nicer to me.

We're here for you. Don't be scared. :l

Becoming