the Beast is still in Charge

[Bella]

Hi Everyone.
I've been away for a few days....visiting family then friends. Its really odd but when I was with my family I drank nothing and felt ok ish about that....but the minute I was with my friends I couldnt wait to sink a few glasses. So I did..like an idiot and consequently paid for it the next day....but I DID stop when the booze ran out and drank coffee...Whey-hey...well done Bella!!!! NOT! I've not bought the supps yet coz I'm not ready to give myself up to sobriety....why? Because I'm letting the Beast inside me have his way. Yes..I'm an idiot and I'm selfish and weak. Since being at home I have been modding again. I've made a rule to never drink at home..only when I'm out. But I was invited out last night for a girls nite out and I couldnt go because I dont trust myself. The last time I did that, I started on the vodka and continued on the vodka until my body collapsed...not pretty! My husband is glad I didnt go out as he is scared of finding me hanging from a tree somewhere...(I get depressed when I drink and always plan my demise!)

I am angry with my husband for not wanting me to have a good time...and I'm angry with my friends for being pissed off with me for not going out with them.....My friend promised me she would take my money off me when I started getting too drunk and said she would make me go home when the time came...but no one can do that except me.

Consequently, I have to learn how to have fun without the drink..or not go out anymore and loose my friends....I know which one I would rather!

Thats why the Beast is still in charge.

ah well, no one to blame but myself....I love being sober and enjoying life clear and fresh.
I do NOT enjoy the depression, the panic attacks I suffer after I have been drinking. That is why I am pathetic...why cant I get it into me that I should never drink again....If everyone else didnt drink in this world..I dont think I would...but alcohol is all around us. Everyone in this rainy, miserable England seems to spend their time wanting to get drunk...just to get away from the misery of life.

Enough of this talk. i will get better and I am venting but I needed to vent..Sorry!

Take care all of you......Bella XXXXXX

[Guest]

the Beast is still in Charge

sorry you feeling down Bella but you are trying! Sounds like your frustrated cos you know you cant really drink again but you want to. Anyways im struggling with you myself cos I only ever make it o week 2 or 3 and then have a few drinks.So , all I can say is at least were trying !

[gyco]

the Beast is still in Charge

the greatest gift is you no what it AL can do to you tht is an accomplishment in itself bella,did you ever think of it b4,gyco hi limers

[cuckoosnest83]

the Beast is still in Charge

Hi Bella. If putting down the drink was so easy, we wouldn't need sites such as MWO. As limers says, "you are trying" and unfortunately there are some of us who it seems take longer in their struggle to beat or conquer this beast. Hang in there girl and vent away. That's what we are here for.

[Chief]

the Beast is still in Charge

Come on, Bella....you're not happy with The Beast in charge, and you know you can take back the control......you know you can. Aren't you sick of this shit?

All you have to do is take control. YOU are in charge of what goes into your mouth.....noone else. All you have to do is get stubborn and refuse to drink....just absolutely refuse to drink. Get through the first few days and don't look back.....

You and I both know you have it in you...

Don

[A Work in Progress]

the Beast is still in Charge

OK, so you are in the midst of ambivalence... you know you want to end this but you still, somehow, feel compelled to drink. Like Chief says, only you can resolve the ambivalence, and going back to basics is a good way to do this. It may seem tedious, but it is REALLY helpful to write out a chart with four columns:

Advantages of drinking
Disadvantages of drinking
Advantages of being AF
Disadvantages of being AF

And hold on to it. Read it, add to it. And don't allow your mind to enter into a debate about whether or not it's OK to drink... The real you knows better. Messing around with suicidal thinking, and scaring your husband with suicidal thinking, is not OK... right?

best wishes,

wip