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    #1

    Personal dilemma

    Nothing too serious, but I guess I'd like some input from my MWO friends. My sis-in-law that lives 12 hours away is turning 50 this month. My brother in-law has been trying to talk us into going there over Thanksgiving. I love these guys to death! And the drive isn't that big of a deal, we can do it easily in a day. BUT, they are heavy drinkers and smokers and I am so worried that I will be right there with them drinking and smoking in order to have a "good time". I feel like I should be ready to be around them and just stay strong, but I'd rather take the easy way out and just not go. BUT I don't want to let my SIL down, she is so sad that none of her family is coming for her birthday.

    So, I was hoping that you all could give me a big ole pep talk and send some strong vibes my way so that I can just go and be strong. It's time I learned to be around my old drinking/smoking buddies again! I'm afraid I will be such a downer though! :upset:

    Help!!! What do I do???
    _______________
    NF since June 1, 2008
    AF since September 28, 2008
    DrunkFree since June 1, 2008
    _____________
    :wings: In memory of MDbiker aka Bear.
    5/4/2010 In loving memory of MaryAnne. I pray you've found peace my friend.
    _______________
    The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.ray:
    Tags: None
    #2
    Personal dilemma

    Well LVT - that is a pickle!!!
    I suppose one must face these situations at some point - I know, whenever I go back to my hometown I am faced with it, and this past summer, I just gave in. I'm going at the end of the month and DON'T want a drunken debauchery. So, hmmmm.... what to do...... I think you have done so well, and you know so well what you want, I believe in you. I think you can get used to hanging out with other drinkers without drinking. I do it with AF beer (and if everyone is getting snackered, a little weed... sorry, don't mean to offend anybody!!) - puts me on somewhat the same plane as them.

    Heck - someone else probably has better advise than me. I've just been there with larger social groups - it is the small ones that can be difficult. Maybe they will take it easy while you are there - don't stay up too late and make yourself tired so you are more likely to give in. Oh, and EAT LOTS!!!

    Anybody have other advice? Cuz I could use it too!!
    xoxo peanut

    Comment

      #3
      Personal dilemma

      Hi LVT,

      Families are always a tough call. If these were casual friends and you felt vulnerable, it would probably be best to stay home and avoid the temptation. But it's family, and I think we need to be present whenever we feel we can. Yes, it would be a temptation, but it's not for an extended period of time. Perhaps you can take with you some supplies - extra snacks, AF drinks, etc. to occupy the hand and mouth. You might tell you SIL that you've really cut down (or cut out) your drinking/smoking so no need to stock extra.

      I'll admit that visiting my own parents is a bit of a trigger. They've elevated cocktail hour to a high art. But, I just take all the skills I've learned here with me, and it's usually ok. Hope you enjoy a terrific time with them if you decide to go.

      Vera-b

      Comment

        #4
        Personal dilemma

        :new:...but it would seem that the answer may come in enlisting your family support in your decision. Do they know that you have given up drinking? If you explain to them the importance of your decision and ask for their help in sticking to it...you can attend the party and i suspect w2alk away very proud of yourself.

        ps...can you tell how to make my own post? i can only figure out how to respond to others

        Comment

          #5
          Personal dilemma

          Hi there

          Vera makes some good points.

          But honestly, I think you should sit this one out. Wait until you are strong enough to be around them. Or alternatively, can you be honest about your goals? If they are that close, really that close, why not? Sounds like their idea of holidays is centered around booze and cigarrettes, so much to the point that you would feel like a drag (excuse the pun) for not partaking? hmm something wrong with that.

          you are not into that at the moment... Sounds like a really unhealthy holiday. It would be different if they were moderate drinkers and you were tempted to go.

          Nancy

          Comment

            #6
            Personal dilemma

            Hi LVT
            You are the only one who can make a decision in regards to where you are in recovery. I don't know how long you have been AF so can only give you info in regards to how I personally felt at different time periods.I am only a short time AF going on 6 months.The first 2 months I couldn't be around the party. I didn't feel strong enough.After about 60 -90 days I started to get a little confidence.I did socialize with people drinking and it didn't bother me bbbuuutttt I also carried antabuse pills with me in case I felt I couldn't handle it[i haven't used the antabuse this time to stop had then from one other attempt ].Now it doesn't matter what others do but I also find myself not wanting to party like before.That is with friends ,your situation is different it is a family celebration.Just realize it could be one of the biggest triggers and treats to your sobriety.You have to have your plan.Mine was to take antabuse if I had to .Don't rely on anyone else but yourself .Just remember the first drink you take won't be enough.
            Stay Healthy and Keep Fighting
            AF 5-16-08

            Comment

              #7
              Personal dilemma

              Hi LVT
              Sorry to be a party pooper but I thought I could handle a similar scenario too last week after a similar length of time AF/Modding/NF to you and I failed. I know exactly where I went wrong if that is of any help. I was rushing all day and I didnt take the L-glut, didnt eat and didnt plan ahead properly. You cant avoid them forever seeing as they are family and you mentioned them before as big triggers for you in the past so I reckon the best thing to do is let them know in advance that you wont be drinking at all that visit cos once you have put it out there then you will have to stick to it. I know you can mod if you want to but I suggest that dont do it that weekend as it could easily lead you to where I have just been. Best of luck though.
              BH

              Comment

                #8
                Personal dilemma

                hello levi and welcome
                If you go back to the main page and then click on which area you want to post in for example general discussion you will find a button for new thread (in the same place as new post on this page) and that is how you start your own thread.
                Good luck.
                BH

                Comment

                  #9
                  Personal dilemma

                  LVT, this may be far out there, but can you suggest that they come to you for Turkey Day? Maybe it would be easier to stick to your guns on your own turf. Just a thought. I'm rooting for you!

                  Comment

                    #10
                    Personal dilemma

                    Well you all seem to really understand where I'm coming from on this one. I guess part of my fear, is when they were here for a visit in September, I did great for a couple of days, and then the night before they left I caved with both beer and ciggies. Some mutual friends were also there and will be at the birthday bash also.
                    I had been off the smokes for 4 months at that point, and I only had 2, but still felt bad and bad about it. (thanks for remembering so well BH)

                    So far I do like the advice about not even trying to moderate if I really am serious about staying off the smokes. I totally cannot stop thinking about having one if I drink a beer.
                    I've been thinking about it all evening, and I think the guilt will eat me up if I don't go. Shouldn't be put in the situation, but I think BIL is just trying to make SIL happy by getting us there. She understands my situation. She quit drinking for 2 years awhile back. She felt horrible when I talked her into giving me the cigarettes last time.
                    I can't hide forever, I guess. It may not be as hard as I imagine either. Mostly I hate being around drunk people (unless I'm one of them!)
                    CS--unfortunately them coming to our house not an option.
                    BH--What happened???

                    Love you all for your wisdom and for caring enough to respond!!:h

                    Levi--hope you figured out how to start your own thread:
                    hello levi and welcome
                    If you go back to the main page and then click on which area you want to post in for example general discussion you will find a button for new thread (in the same place as new post on this page) and that is how you start your own thread.
                    Good luck.
                    BH
                    Today 08:00 PM
                    _______________
                    NF since June 1, 2008
                    AF since September 28, 2008
                    DrunkFree since June 1, 2008
                    _____________
                    :wings: In memory of MDbiker aka Bear.
                    5/4/2010 In loving memory of MaryAnne. I pray you've found peace my friend.
                    _______________
                    The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.ray:

                    Comment

                      #11
                      Personal dilemma

                      Hi LVT,

                      The question I use to guide all of my decisions in my AF life is: "Is this going to take me closer to or further away from my sobriety?" For me, It's that simple (and that complicated).

                      Earlier in my sobriety, I restricted my social interactions quite a bit because I did not want to be tempted. Even now, I do not put myself in situations where there is heavy drinking involved. Now, it's not so much that I'm afraid that I will be tempted, it's just that I'm not interested. I find that I get easily bored with conversations that are fueled with alcohol. My dearest friend who is like a sister to me is a heavy drinker. I restrict my visits with her to times when I know she will not be drinking, for example, early in the day. She is a heavy smoker too. FYI, we are the same age and she looks about 10 years older.

                      Mo3
                      AF Since April 20, 2008
                      4 Years!!!                       :lilheart:

                      Comment

                        #12
                        Personal dilemma

                        LVT, I feel for you. I can offer no advise, as I haven't had to deal with this yet. So far I am one huge party pooper and go nowhere and do nothing because I don't want to mess up. I will wish you strength to stick to your goals and to do what is right for you.:l
                        You, as much as anyone in the universe, deserve your love and respect. ~ Buddha

                        Comment

                          #13
                          Personal dilemma

                          Thank you all again for your replies and support. River--I'm pretty comfortable here in my own little world. I do feel after writing this all down, that I need to force myself to do this and make the effort to do it sober. It's just a very long drive to sit and feel so very out of place. I should be ok though, I'll def use the suggestions here about taking my own drinks and food!
                          Maybe my sewing to keep my hands busy!
                          My SIL is important to me, and I feel I would be being selfish if I didn't go because I'm to weak to face this!
                          :thanks:
                          _______________
                          NF since June 1, 2008
                          AF since September 28, 2008
                          DrunkFree since June 1, 2008
                          _____________
                          :wings: In memory of MDbiker aka Bear.
                          5/4/2010 In loving memory of MaryAnne. I pray you've found peace my friend.
                          _______________
                          The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.ray:

                          Comment

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