Off topic--Please help--info on 10yr old daughter

[christyacc]

Morning....:upset:

What started off as a good morning has now crashed and burned. I have asked my 10 yr old daughter when doing things, ie. putting on nail polish, etc, ask for permission, I went upstairs this morning and it's all I could smell. I asked her, she said she put some on without asking. I told her, I have asked you to ask first, yet, didn't stress out....pick your battles, right? Well, I kept smelling it quite strong and asked if it spilled anywhere, did it get on anything? Nope, no it didn't....she was positive none had spilled.....well, I went in and checked and low and behold it had spilled on her bedside table. She told me she didn't know, however you could see where she tried to clean it up. She's lying to me.

This lying has happened in the past, and it is breaking my heart. I simply cannot take lying and I have told her that. I told her she will get in much worse trouble by lying than telling the truth. I think she does is because she is afaid of getting in trouble, but the trouble for lying is so much worse, how can I get her to understand?

She is a 10yr old that is going on 18. She is highly intellegent, and very mature for her age. She feels she doesn't have to ask for things, just helps herself, goes into my purse for gum. She doesn't steal from me, just uses things without asking. I just cannot handle it any longer and I am reaching out to ANYONE who has any suggestions, any wisdom, anything at all......I feel so desperate...my heart is breaking. :upset:

I have taken now 2 things from her that she feels are incredibly important. She was to go to a dance at the end of the month and she was to have some friends over for a sleepover. She lost the dance on the weekend for being bossy and bullying her sister, and not asking for things, and well, she lost the friend sleepover for this morning...I also grounded her from computer, TV, and Wii.

I am afraid I said some hurtful things, but I don't know how else to make her understand the severity of the trust issue. I told her I was upset I couldn't trust my own daughter. I am so upset and my heart is broken....I sent her to school...both of us upset, neither will have a good day. I told her I loved her as she was leaving, and she said, 'Ya'. She's never done that. She then realized what she said, and 'Said I know you do'.

I know it;s off topis, but this stress is HUGE to me and I have to manage it and get this under control.....I would hate very much for my 29 days AF to be gone for stress and not by my own choice to mod.......

Thank you SOOOO much for listening to me.....:h

Christy

[LVT25]

Off topic--Please help--info on 10yr old daughter

Hi Christy,

I hate it when my morning goes to shit like that--ruins the whole day. I have a 10 year old son and a 14 year old son. Seems at 10 they really struggle with the lies and talking back, and not listening and......
I don't think it would work for girls, but lying is one thing my hubby feels very strongly about and we try to nip it in the bud if it happens-no matter how minor. But they HAVE to learn that it's not WHAT they did it's the dishonesty that will get them in trouble. With the boys, their dad gives them a good lecture and a spanking. (For those of you against this--believe me it hurts their pride way more than their butt) Believe me, they'll at least think twice before they'll lie to him.
I think you've done the right thing by taking away "stuff". I think we need to be careful with our words though--that can really back fire on us. Maybe after school, sit her down and explain why honesty is so important.
Good luck with this!! It will be way easier to handle sober--trust me on that!:h

[DeeBee]

Off topic--Please help--info on 10yr old daughter

Hi Christy,

I am going to watch the replys very carefully as I am in the same boat. My 13 year old daughter is in trouble again at school for inappropriate behaviour at school. She has just got over the last incident and now with this incident I have caught her out lying to me on two accounts. I too am at my wits end. Just don't know how to get through to her.

Sorry the story is too long and involved to get into right now but the jist of it is I just don't trust her anymore because of the lies and it is seriously affecting our relationship.

I'm sypathising with you!

[rubywillow]

Off topic--Please help--info on 10yr old daughter

All you moms, I lived thru my daughter, but she was exceptional. Motivated, brilliant, the whole nine yards. Now I'm in real life, with granddaughters 15, 11,8, 6, going thru an ugly divorce and living with their dad for a change. He's trying, and doesn't want help, but DIL has allowed them to do whatever as long as they didn't bother her, it's all uphill. For one thing, they are not loving and cuddly at that age, no matter what. All we can do is survive, and hope we produce intelligent, grounded, sober, sane adults. Pick your battles, stick to your guns, live your rules, and love, love, love. Every experience is difference.

[Michaela]

Off topic--Please help--info on 10yr old daughter

Hi Christy.

My 10 year old son too did a BIG LIE to me that he wouldn't own up to! And the proof was as clear as day. I think it is their age and that they are testing the waters. I think you did the right thing in taking things away. That is what we did with our son. I think girls are much more sensitive though and have to be handled with kit gloves.

Good luck to you and don't feel you are alone or that your daughter is doomed to be a hibitual liar, I just think it's a phase.

Best of luck and CONGRATS on your AF days!

Mich

[akgirl]

Off topic--Please help--info on 10yr old daughter

Hi Christy,
I can soooooo feel your pain. My son is 13 and not long ago I reached out for help as well and was given some really good advice. I also did some research and came across a program called Total Transformation by James Lehman. I invested in it and have been listening to the tapes. It is extremely useful and full of information on how to parent teens.
It opened my eyes to a lot of stuff I didn't understand. It might be helpful to you as well

Goood luck:l

[Mackeral]

Off topic--Please help--info on 10yr old daughter

Hi Christy,
I have a 13 and 14 year old daughters...Dont get too worried but the next couple of years are gonna be tough..Its not that bad though i promise..Its just the age they are at..They have changed so much from being 10 -14 it's unrecognisable..
From 10 -13 We got tested..a lot..I think its just natural for a girl to become a young woman and test her boundries..For the last 3 years my eldest has dressed nearly all in black..I think its called emo...White and black face makeup..Died hair black..About a month ago she has now thankfully decided that thats a bit babyish now (thank god )..I think she did it just as a statement though..To say i am different..Look at me..Im changing..
Attitude has changed a lot aswell in these years.For both of them Although our eldest is slowly growing out of this aswell and answers back a lot less now..They both are actually..
Its just the age thing..I promise...It will and does get better..Your doing the right thing taking things away that actually hurt...make sure you stick by it and dont become a pushover..The messege eventually sinks in..

[akgirl]

Off topic--Please help--info on 10yr old daughter

Hi Christy,
I bumped up my thread on teens, I was given some great advice that might help you too.

:l to you
AK

[Cinders]

Off topic--Please help--info on 10yr old daughter

Its just the age thing..I promise...It will and does get better..Your doing the right thing taking things away that actually hurt...make sure you stick by it and dont become a pushover..The messege eventually sinks in

Christy,

This was hard for me but I did stick to it as best I could. It is NOT our "job" to be their friends or get along. It is our place to insure that the lessons we teach them today will do well for them in the future.

If you love you girl, and I can tell you do, do the right thing. Let her know that lying is not an option. The consequences are severe. Even if it means breaking your own heart...

Love,
Cindi

[BecomingMeAtLast]

Off topic--Please help--info on 10yr old daughter

Christy,

She may be too old for this, I'm not sure if my daughter was 9 or 10 when I did this but I'll never forget it and neither will she. She lied to me about something and it destroyed me. Now I can't even remember what it was, can you believe it? (She's 12 now. Mature for her age.) I didn't know what to do. Then she lied again. I couldn't believe it. I can't spank, I tried it with my son and it doesn't work for me. So, I sat her down and told her to write, in cursive, 200 times, "I will never lie again." She hated writing in cursive and it took her hours. I mean hours!I really had no idea it would take her that long, I felt so guilty. She was beyond tears when she finished but I stood my ground and she hasn't lied like that since. She's a really good kid and I do think that it's a phase and sticking to the punishment is key.

Be

[boozehag]

Off topic--Please help--info on 10yr old daughter

Chrissy
I think you did the right thing withdrawing things but you dont want to come down too hard on her or crush her or alienate her. When it comes to the dance you could renegotiate it with her later on by letting her go if she accepts how hurt you were that she lied. Ask any parent - they always come down hard on their first teen and by the time you get to the third or so you realise that you have no real control over them and the thing that works best is encouragement not punishments or toughness (unless they are in real trouble). Even if you want to kick their little heads in! With the lying thing you do need to nip that in the bud as it can become a habit - I find if you think they are going to lie to you about something you can circumvent it by just ignoring what they say (denials and that) and then they dont have to lie and you dont have to punish. I am no expert but I am on my third (and last) so its best not to sweat the small stuff. You will not believe how quickly the next few years will go and before you know it she will be off to uni or whatever so take time to spend some quality one on one time with her to build up her trust in you and vica versa. I really love teens and enjoy their company so much but it it such a confusing age for them so relax and go with the flow. My motto is expect nothing and you will never be dissappointed and treat the crumbs they drop for you like pearls. They know not what they do!
BH

[Cinders]

Off topic--Please help--info on 10yr old daughter

Oh, darn. You guys are so much more ahead of this than me.

In my mind, lying doesn't work, hurting other's doesn't work, 9everything else is negotiable.

Get it?

Love,
Cindi

[rubywillow]

Off topic--Please help--info on 10yr old daughter

boozehag;466572 wrote: Chrissy
I think you did the right thing withdrawing things but you dont want to come down too hard on her or crush her or alienate her. When it comes to the dance you could renegotiate it with her later on by letting her go if she accepts how hurt you were that she lied. Ask any parent - they always come down hard on their first teen and by the time you get to the third or so you realise that you have no real control over them and the thing that works best is encouragement not punishments or toughness (unless they are in real trouble). Even if you want to kick their little heads in! With the lying thing you do need to nip that in the bud as it can become a habit - I find if you think they are going to lie to you about something you can circumvent it by just ignoring what they say (denials and that) and then they dont have to lie and you dont have to punish. I am no expert but I am on my third (and last) so its best not to sweat the small stuff. You will not believe how quickly the next few years will go and before you know it she will be off to uni or whatever so take time to spend some quality one on one time with her to build up her trust in you and vica versa. I really love teens and enjoy their company so much but it it such a confusing age for them so relax and go with the flow. My motto is expect nothing and you will never be dissappointed and treat the crumbs they drop for you like pearls. They know not what they do!
BH

Don't mean to offend, but I DO NOT BELIEVE in goingback on punishment. It lets your child know you are always open to negotiations. BEFORE you impose a punishment, think about it, and be sure you can both live with it. Genetically, historically, girls at this age were being married, running their own households. We're still trying to catch up with the swift advances in civilization, and our teens are by nature testy and rebellious. We have to help them focus their energy. Looking back over 57 years, I KNEW what my parents expectations were, and did some testing, but I HAD to think about my decisions. I know I'm not popular in my beliefs these days, but being a 'friend', negotiating, allowing bad behavior is not in my book of childcare. I am around lots of teens other than mine, and I'm tough, no-nonsense, fun, story-telling,....what I'm good at without trying to be one of them because it's my job to take care of them. I'm not above checking e-mails, text-messages, etc. Yes, they're private, but who pays for them. Until someone can take care of themselves, they are dependent on their provider. That provider has the right to be sure things are not being misused. Good luck, honey. There's a beautiful relationship on the other side. PM me if you're interested in some serious mother/daughter reading.
Rubes

[Chief]

Off topic--Please help--info on 10yr old daughter

I would just lock her in her room until she was 18....

Don

[Lila]

Off topic--Please help--info on 10yr old daughter

hi Christy
Hi - I don't know if we have talked, but I have read lots of your posts. Glad you are here. I am a single parent of 3, and I personally just am not too big on punishments. It is just not my thing. I think your daughter IS listening even though it may seem like she is not. Parents have incredible influence on their kids. Do you need to get closer to her? Sometimes (all the time?) alcohol can shut us off from our kids. Maybe go makeup shopping together. Go to Target and look at those dumb smelly Lipsmackers that girls like so much together. Be girls together. I think whatever works for your family, and you. I AM more of a friend to my kids, don't punish, and I don't know if I have ever been lied to. Of course all this could change...
I would say give her lots of love. To me, this is about relationships, and punishing doesn't help.
THat is my opinion. It does sound like in general you have a good relationship, and that is good.
Take care
Lila