Off topic--Please help--info on 10yr old daughter

[bettyflinstone]

Off topic--Please help--info on 10yr old daughter

HI Christy
hate to say it but there is a fine line with the "I'm your buddy tact" Usually you have to stick to your guns and be the bad guy. kids will always test the boundries. what's that line... give them an inch... They have to know honesty is the only option. once they get in the habit of telling a lie it is hard to break. Girls are the worst. if you can reward her for telling you the truth by a lighter form of punishment and make sure she knows the reality of what will happen if you find out she is not giving you the whole story. you may have a good shoot at open communication later on when the hormones really kick in... I wish you luck! My teen daughters head spun and her horns shot out! from angel to devil overnight... I was amazed I think Cheif has the right idea ;-)

[Mackeral]

Off topic--Please help--info on 10yr old daughter

Yeah..What Cheif said

[rubywillow]

Off topic--Please help--info on 10yr old daughter

Someone said once they asked their teen daughter "Who are you, and what have you done with my little girl?" Everyone's different, honey. It's your call.

[Noelle]

Off topic--Please help--info on 10yr old daughter

My daughter is almost 19. She's been lying since she was young although I really didn't catch it for quite a while. My drinking probably didn't help. I finally asked her why she lied and she told me no one had ever told her not to. Uh,,,,,I told her and she also went to Catholic school. Opps, another lie.

I used to watch Dr. Phil when he first came on and really agreed with his methods to stop this behavior, i.e., taking things away, and most important, telling the child there will be a consequence for the lie, and what that consequence is BEFORE it happens. Then it is easier to enforce if/when it happens. Then there is no surprise when the lie and then the consequence happens. It makes so much sense.

However, my daughter is an only child and due to my drinking, it was next to impossible to enforce.

IMHO, your daughter is young enough and yet old enough to understand so that you to try something like this.

Good luck.......I know *exactly* how you feel. And it'll only get worse.

:h

[boozehag]

Off topic--Please help--info on 10yr old daughter

Chrissy
I want to be the first to congratulate you on your 30 days. Not sure of the time difference between here and Canada but its the 13th here in NZ at least so that makes it 30 days in my book. Bloody well done on your 30 day achievement. Kids are a challenge at any age but as so much easier when we are AF.
BH

[beatle]

Off topic--Please help--info on 10yr old daughter

I'm not sure you have really made the idea clear that the repercussions for lying are ALWAYS worse than for telling the truth. First of all, you don't know how many times your daughter has lied and gotten away with it. And how many times she has told the truth and suffered because she did? She probably is not old enough to predict the odds on whether or not she will get caught -- and if the risk is worth it.

What I'm saying is, how many times has she been rewarded for telling the truth instead of lying? Do you see what I mean? My daughter is only 9, so I don't know how she will develop, but so far we have not had any problems with lying (from either of my kids), and I think it is because we have made a BIG point of rewarding them for telling the truth, even about small matters, even when it wasn't obvious that it was a situation in which they COULD have lied-- just to show them how much better the situation turned out because they didn't lie. And in cases where they clearly could have lied their way out of something, we have focussed on the fact that they told the truth, and played down the misdemeanor. In other words, we are instilling in them a gut reaction to a situation when they know they have done something wrong to tell the truth-- without even having to consider it (because, after all they are just kids-- and kids act impulsively, no matter what you wish or want).


Also, maybe I remember my childhood better than most, but I recall vividly some of the punishments I endured and although they may seem minor to a grown-up, they made indelible impressions on me-- and I don't think they worked for anything other than to make me resent my mother and swear to never do that to my children. Instead of grounding a 10-year-old, I would sit down and have a talk with them about why the crime is so serious, even for a small matter. And go through the scenario, explain how she is losing your trust, and exactly what that MEANS to lost trust, and concretely what will happen if she lies again (i.e. next time you lie, your punishment will be...).

Of course, all children are individuals, and perhaps the punishment scenario is best for some...

in the end, though-- Chief is always right!

[DeeBee]

Off topic--Please help--info on 10yr old daughter

Beatle what a wonderful post - that has helped me enormously, thanks.
I find it too easy to just let the good stuff go by un-noticed and focus too much on all the wrong. I need to snap out of this mood I have with my daughter. I know I need to sit down with her (again) and talk open and honestly about why her behaviour is unaceptable.
I have this morbid fear of becomming a granny at the age of 40 and at the rate my daughter is behaving it's quite a possibility.
I want her to be better than I am/was.

[christyacc]

Off topic--Please help--info on 10yr old daughter

First of all I would like to thank everyone for their thoughts and wisdom. I truly appreciate it. I really had no clue that being a mother was going to be this difficult....DeeBee, I am with you, I want my kids to be so much more than I ever was or will be, and they have the potential, I just have to steer them in the right direction.

I think it's normal for kids to test their boundaries, but when the boundaries aren't necessarily clearly defined then that can be an issue. I discussed everything with my husband last night after kidlets were tucked away and he listened as I explained what I thought and how I felt. He felt I overreacted with taking everything away (TV, computer, Wii, dance, and friend sleepover). He feels she will become resentful, and we certainly don't want that. So we decided to give her the TV, computer, and the Wii back, however, she's SOL when it comes to the later 2. She needs to feel the importance of her actions, and by taking those, that are most dear to her at this time, is the way to make her realize. I WILL stick to my guns, because this is a life lesson. This is important. She will know for next time she debates lying.....and when I ask her 'did you? did this?.....' I will say, 'Think very carefully before answering. You may get into some trouble for doing something wrong, but you WILL get in MORE trouble if you lie and I find out. and I WILL find out. What goes around comes around...always' So she will know right then and there......

There was a note waiting for me after work. An apology, 'It will never happen again....'note.....'what can I do to get the dance back?'. I wasn't going to bring it up last night, but she did, and I told her, nothing. The dance is gone. There isn't a way to get it back. So we had a chat about the importance of consequences and the truth, etc. It was a good chat, and no one raised their voice, no one got upset.

So again, thank you for all your posts.......I hope it helped others as well.

Cxo