Motivation -- and reward

[CS04]

I have been pondering these concepts for awhile. Been fighting depression for almost a year, and been trying to fix myself (re AL and the depression) for about 6 months. Have had mixed success. During most of that time, I have not been motivated to do much, whether AF or not. I will admit, though, that household and work tasks are much easier to tackle when not hungover. (Duh.)

I seem to be struggling more with AL lately; however, I drank very little last night, and went to bed at a decent hour. (Didn't sleep well, though) So today I have been cleaning, trying to rearrange and/or process piles of papers, etc. And it feels great -- I am on a roll and want to keep going.

So why is the urge to "reward" myself with drinking still there? Knowing I could feel like crap tomorrow, when I REALLY have to get work done (before Monday). Would I feel better if hubby were working on projects with me? (he is a bigger procrastinator than I am.)

I hope no one is offended by my posting my thoughts here. It is not an AF or abstinence thread. I know how I 'should' proceed with my evening. I guess it is just another incarnation of The Beast.

[beatle]

Motivation -- and reward

I know what you mean about rewards. This is how I got in trouble with AL in the first place. I am actually a very self-disciplined person-- I got that way by establishing an internal award system. I think this all started from when I was a child, and I would always get my homework done early, with the reward of being allowed to watch TV and eat ice cream afterwards if I did. As I got older, I started to establish rewards for myself... which eventually led to AL.

This has been the hardest ingrained habit to break. Alcohol is NOT a reward. It is a punishment! I have been saying that to myself for years, but it is only just starting to stick.

Ice cream, on the other hand... =)

[A Work in Progress]

Motivation -- and reward

Yes, I agree it is an "incarnation of the Beast." I find myself doing it, from time to time... "deserving" a drink.

And everything One2 said shows how it is a lie.

Another way of looking of how and why it is a lie (this is something I posted a while back):

Our alcoholic thinking does this to us. It totally bypasses the memory of the devastation, humiliation, and destruction that alcohol has brought into our lives, and it presents alcohol as a GOOD thing, a prize, a reward, something we want to give ourselves for a job well done.

We can change our way of thinking from this self-destructive "Deprivation Mode" to a winning, successful, positive "Gratitude Mode." And I don't think we can begin to truly grow into a successful, lifetime, AF plan until we have managed to make that shift in our thinking.

In Deprivation Mode, we think alcohol is a good thing that we are being deprived of. We are sad, and grieve the loss of what had felt like a friend to us. We consider it a treat that we never get to give ourselves again. We are envious of others who "get to drink."

In Gratitude Mode, we recognize that alcohol is (for us, because of our brain structure, genetics, physiology, etc.) a toxin, a poison, something that nearly destroyed us. Mentally, physically, and spiritually. We recognize that we have the most amazing opportunity to rid ourselves of something that makes us very sick in all those ways. We recognize the craziness of voluntarily damaging our brains, minds, bodies, families, jobs, futures. We are really, really grateful for that opportunity, and we guard it and cultivate it carefully.

Most of us start a recovery program in deprivation mode. Some people stay there forever. Those people tend not to be able to create a consistently successful program, or life, of freedom from alcohol and its devastation. Some of us transition into gratitude mode.

For most of us, Gratitude Mode does not just happen all by itself. We have to make it happen. If we want to shift into gratitude mode, we learn to cultivate it. We cultivate it by being careful about our thoughts, and about what we notice. If we find ourselves thinking about how wonderful it would be to have a drink, we deliberately shift attention away from this train of thought, and we deliberately choose to think about how good it is to know we will never humiliate ourselves with alcohol again, never again have another horrible hangover, never disappoint our children again with the way we are when we get drunk. We notice alcohol advertising, pay attention to how it makes us feel, and detach from the message by noticing how distorted the message is.

We literally can BUILD a new way of thinking and feeling about things. And I think that's something to be grateful for, in itself!

[A Work in Progress]

Motivation -- and reward

Cross posted; ditto what Beatle said. Well put.

[CS04]

Motivation -- and reward

One2 and WIP, I remember both of your posts from before. I enjoyed them then, and will reread them in detail.

I think also I've got holiday AND family angst going on. Plus it's witching hour (5:00 here).

But for now, I just made myself some lemon water. I am a big water drinker, but the tartness somehow takes the "edge" off.

Thanks for the replies.

[beatle]

Motivation -- and reward

Both of those posts were so good-- articulating so many things so well (I guess I missed them the first time round).

I'd just like to add one thought on the "Gratitude Mode".:

I try to "catch" myself being happy, and make note of it-- think to myself, I'm happy now, and I would not have been if I was not sober. Then I feel what gratitude is.

And I tuck it away to take out whenever I start to slip towards "Deprivation Mode".

[CS04]

Motivation -- and reward

Kinda like "catching" children being good -- and rewarding them for good behavior, rather than punishing them for bad behavior.

[Sunbeam]

Motivation -- and reward

Hi CS04,
It is great to "see" you. I think it is really important to reward yourself frequently, with anything BUT alcohol. Invest in or prepare whatever rocks your boat.

[Prest4time]

Motivation -- and reward

I love the "deprivation mode" vs. the "gratitude mode". That rang so true when I read that, as it always boils down to a battle in my thoughts.

I have found in increasing ways when I think about drinking, it is how I choose to "view" it that makes all the difference. Its hard work to turn that ship around of how we have viewed it in the past. Like someone said earlier.... they are just thoughts. Pop them! Make a mental decision to go from thoughts of deprivation to thoughts of gratitude.

A glass of wine sounds nice about now, but you know what? Its 7:30 and I'm feeling so good other than missing my little habit, so what's another two hours for the payoff of feeling fantastic tomorrow?

I'm looking for a good movie to watch... heating up some cranberry-apple cider... have a cup with me, eh? :l

[CS04]

Motivation -- and reward

A movie would be great, Prest. I feel like the world's worst parent right now -- 2 yo grabbed my 8" chef knife off the kitchen counter and carried it into the dining room by its tip. Thank god blade was pointed the other way. And I am always exceedingly cautious and responsible with knives (as you know)! I have some projects I wanted to continue for the rest of the evening, but maybe a relaxing bath would be nice. All I could do was hold him at the dinner table -- he didn't know he had done anything wrong.

[CS04]

Motivation -- and reward

Bump for Lucy Van Pelt. Some of the replies really resonated with me. I hope they help you too!

xoxo
CS

[CS04]

Motivation -- and reward

(I am reposting this from another thread, where it didn't really belong. I think it belongs better here, and have been struggling with these ideas for a while now.)


This is kinda where I am at, Doggygirl -- hoping some big wind or higher power (or worse) will come plundering thru my front door, and that will be the MOTIVATION for me to STOP NOW. Who the hell am I kidding? What scares me is that that THING will be something terrrible that I have done while drinking, or should have done and didn't.

I know I have to listen to the small voice, instead of waiting for the big voice. Why do I say the same thing to myself day after day after day? I don't drink in the afternoon, but I am already feeling this way now. SO conflicted when it really is not a conflict at all. Does that make sense?

And, hubby and I tend to have similar coping mechanisms to deal with life's problems. So I feel like life is really a mess, times two.

Sorry to ramble.
__________________

[LVT25]

Motivation -- and reward

CS--I copied my reply from the AF thread!!

I don't have anything deep and meaningful to add, but I wanted to welcome CS. No one owns this thread and I agree with Beatle, all that is required is the desire to be AF. I think you qualify and it pains me to see you still struggling so. I've come to realize there are so many different types of "us". I don't think I wa as deeply addicted to al as I thought I was.
THANK GOD! I truly feel for those that are. Even though my DH continues to drink, I'm learning to handle it so much better. I'm learning to be my own person, not just what everyone else wants so there is no conflict. But I also know when to speak up and when to just make myself scarce. I don't think it bothers him much that I'm not his drinking buddy anymore. In fact, it comes in real handy for him when we go out he always has a DD now.
And, like DG--I'm another of those lucky ones that never got caught drinking and driving. I took way too many chances and I am very ashamed of that. What finally made me realize I could not control my drinking was a VERY near DUI for both DH and myself, and I should not have been driving for sure! I chose to take that as a sign that I better not push it another minute longer. It doesn't take something drastic to happen or for you to "hit bottom" in order for us to learn this new healthier lifestyle. I can honestly pass this forward from my good friend living free who constantly told me 'IT GETS EASIER!" It does. It takes practice. It becomes a fun challenge. Sure there are bad days, but in the long run, it is so worth it. Only you can do this if you want it bad enough. I KNOW you can!!