MARRIAGE PROBLEMS SINCE GOING AF

[nancy]

MARRIAGE PROBLEMS SINCE GOING AF

Hi TW

Are you saying that you only recently got ED? Like at the same time as going AF?
It can be really hurtful to be with a man who has ED.

I don't know enough about your situation, but it sounds like this is really bothering her and maybe she equates your lack of sex ability with your sobriety? So she fixes it by giving you booze on the sly?

I have heard that some people experience sexual problems when they become sober. Maybe all that thinking that you blot out with booze comes back and makes it hard to function.

Some people are really not aware about alchol problems and if you are basically a good father and husband, maybe she really isn't aware of how much it has hurt you.

I think you need to start openly communicating about the sexual issues. It may be ok for you to say it will come back eventually and not for her. How bout trying viagra? If not, try to be sensitive about the effect your lack of desire has on her.

You should talk to a doctor about this, your general doctor and maybe a psychologist.

Nancy

[DeeBee]

MARRIAGE PROBLEMS SINCE GOING AF

Hi TW,
My hubby is supporting me 100% but I have found I am totally off sex since the "new" me has emerged -- I know there are a couple of other ladies here with the same problem -- so be reasurred it's not only you.
I don't have any words of wisdom.... you have been given some great advice, I hope it has helped.
Congrats on your sobriety!

[NorthWood]

MARRIAGE PROBLEMS SINCE GOING AF

My spouse HATES me drinking but things do not get any better when I am sober. I have founds she uses my Al. to allow her to do what ever she wants. If she bounces checks or gets us overdrawn by filling up the 43 gallon s.u.v to drive half way across the state to spend the 5th of seven weekends in arow with her folks, I'll say Dear, we had alot of things come up this month, it might be best if the family stays at home untill we get caught back up with things. Then she'll bring up the 12 of Beast and carton of smokes that I bought a month eairler.
I lost my licenes years a go to an O.W.I, that is what allowed her to have several 'mental only' affairs. Not being able to drive was just as damaging to our marriage as her falling in love with several of my co-workers.
I could go on and on with a list of crap. By me liking to drink it allows her to do what ever she wants, because Im an alcoholic and that has been written about in books and magazines and that obviously makes it worse than lying, cheating spending money we dont have.
I went sober for a year when I didnt have a licenes, we didnt get along any better because she was doing the same crap only she couldnt blame the alcohol, so she just went crazy nuts with the above stated. I couldnt do much because we just bought a house close to my work and we had a 1yr old child that I would not be able to see with out wheeles. It was ruff times, but I belive that my drinking was more of a get out of jail free card than all the problem in our relationship.

[TWCOURAGE]

MARRIAGE PROBLEMS SINCE GOING AF

I got viagra as soon as I could but now I don"t need it since my nerves have began to repair themself . my problem with her is the lack of interest or caring about my health that I got after my alcohol withdraw. and she can never say she sorry even when she make my health worse by addig wine to the stuffing. thanks again for all the words of wisdom

[Waiting for his way out]

MARRIAGE PROBLEMS SINCE GOING AF

I will not pretend to know how your wife feels or to have the answer to your problem, we are all different and my opinion is only based on a personal experience. But, I can tell you how angry she must be, angry to the deep bottom of her soul. While you were drinking she was probably living in a dazed world, now the light is shining and all the anger is showing and coming up to the surface. She wants to get back at you for all the hurt she had to endure, while you were drinking you could not feel it, but she di and now you can. Does this make sense? I know a lot of people want the non-drinker in the family to have compassion and understanding and support, but we are human beings with feelings and a memories that are not so easy to erase.
Try to give her sometime to heal show her you care with your actions, not your words. good luck, counseling is a good idea, but you both need to buy into it.

[Princess Fiona]

MARRIAGE PROBLEMS SINCE GOING AF

AF and spousal problems

TWCOURAGE, a huge hi and welldone,
Heres my story,
I am a 45 yr old married woman, my 2nd marriage, we have been together for 9 yrs and married for 7, always huge problems with his kids, ex and mother, he basically put them before me, any problem that occured was my fault, I only started drinking when I was 28, by the time we got married, I had days I would drink and days I wouldnt, the last 3 yrs, I became a drunk, we would argue, I would try and justify myself, not ever believed, so I drank, I justified so it went on, so I drank, AL became my best friend and my worst enemy, I began to do what we all do, black outs, remorse, guilt, promises, he enjoyed the uninhibited sex??? I stopped drinking on the 29th of Jan 2008, all was great, until our first argument.... his daughter was involved, this time I was sober, I answered his question honestly, which he knew I was correct and told me I was fucking pathetic and childish, to which I took great umbrage at.... this was the beg of march, by the end of the month, as our conversations were short and sweet and to the point as I was waiting for an apology....ha ha, on the 1st 0f April he asked for a divorce and moved out 2 weeks later, I thought he hated my drinking and wanted me sober... I fell off the wagon until I joined AA in May, 190 days AF today....I have learnt through Alanon and AA that as we progress with our AL, it affects the WHOLE family, they tread on eggshells, our lives are dictated to by AL, your spouse, unknowingly changes as we change, to protect themselves against our abusive behaviour....all of a sudden we find sobriety... they enjoy it as we change, we are calmer, non argumentative etc (my husband came home) in my case I started the AA 12 step program, admitted I am powerless over AL, admitted my defects of character, have got rid of my anger and resentments, am a whole new person, in control, Gee, Tim is so lost, who is this new person, loves her, but, fuck, has lost his control, she speaks logically, is not defensive, states what she believes in, no remorse, no guilt, a happier more fufilled woman, where is he? I left him behind (he moved out in Aug after being home for 2 months) he is still treating me the way he did when I was a drunk, AL is a problem for him just as much as it is for me, yes councilling would help, he is too proud, he doesnt have the problem with AL, he too hardly drinks, has come to AA with me, thats not support, he is hanging on to past anger and resentments and still wants a divorce.... tells me, even today, I love you, its never been about not loving you, BUT, I am divorcing you, I am no closer to being divorced than I was 8 months ago. I love him and dont want to end our relationship, but cannot be in limbo any more, and am sure that this is financial, and the way we are married here in SA, I may own 50% of the assets, but I too own 50% of his debt (which is huge) as he is such a proud man and has never been very good at sharing his problems, he would rather do this to protect me thanbring me down with him, he said on Wed, married or not, if its meant to be it will be, a few weeks ago he said, that maybe once we get divorced, we could start afresh.... confusing.
Please get help, before its too late, really work at this together, after being married that length of time, I am sure you want to keep it. As a family, AL HAS affected all your lives. so as a family, together, you can all have a new life.:goodjob:
LOL

[Waiting for his way out]

MARRIAGE PROBLEMS SINCE GOING AF

Princess, it is not always about love, it is about getting to the end of the line, the end of the roll. to the place where love cannot fix things anymore, to a place where we would prefer to be without the person we love rather than dealing with the problems over and over. I am very sorry you have lost the person you love, but there is another life ahead of you. Good luck.

[TWCOURAGE]

MARRIAGE PROBLEMS SINCE GOING AF

Princess,
sounds like we lived the same life . My wife to is proud and anytime I want to help her she pushes me away and the wall gets higher. Her family never talked about problems they pretend not to have any where as my family is too open and everyone nows everybodys problems.I'm going to take my time but I will not go back to the way we lived. I'm ready to forgive and forget and start fresh and move forward.I need to take care of myself first, so I don't need the AL to medicate myself. She enjoys calling me names and she can never I mean Never Says she is sorry so I am going to leave the ball in her court we can play doubles or I can play singles. Thanks again to everyone

[Princess Fiona]

MARRIAGE PROBLEMS SINCE GOING AF

hi, TWCOURAGE,
Tim and I sat (again!!!) on Fri night, he is so so angry at me coz of my drinking and cannot move on, but is living in the past, he is proud of me for not drinking, this new me scares him.
Today, I went out on my quad bike, so he came past and loaded it on my trailer. first time(at 45) I towed, was fine, here,in SA we have horrific afternoon electrical rain storms, and I had to drive home, he hates the fact that I am in control, I also told him that I was going out to look at properties, as when we sell this house I have to move, he is now acting like a spoilt little boy, he says he doesnt want me, then when I start moving forward without him he gets all huffy.
I have forgiven him, yet he cannot forgive me.... In total, I have been AF for....269 days, which is...close on 9 months, so he is living when?? last year, the year before? and only once, did he EVER say that AL was a problem.
Good luck, my thoughts are with you
LOL

[trixietrack]

MARRIAGE PROBLEMS SINCE GOING AF

TWCOURAGE;487558 wrote: Princess,
sounds like we lived the same life . My wife to is proud and anytime I want to help her she pushes me away and the wall gets higher. Her family never talked about problems they pretend not to have any where as my family is too open and everyone nows everybodys problems.I'm going to take my time but I will not go back to the way we lived. I'm ready to forgive and forget and start fresh and move forward.I need to take care of myself first, so I don't need the AL to medicate myself. She enjoys calling me names and she can never I mean Never Says she is sorry so I am going to leave the ball in her court we can play doubles or I can play singles. Thanks again to everyone

maybe it's easier to be abusive to someone who is drunk and takes it lightly. now that you are sober you notice it. she also needs to change her ways, or things will get ugly.

[IAD]

MARRIAGE PROBLEMS SINCE GOING AF

Prest4time.....is right on !! IAD.

[Determinatrix]

MARRIAGE PROBLEMS SINCE GOING AF

I realize this is over a week old, but I just noticed it.

Sometings Boss.man said caught my attention.

1- Upsetting the balance of the house. For a long time, I was dependent on the fact that my husband had a dependency. Once that dependency disappeared, I was forced to also adjust. I remember telling him that I was afraid he would outgrow me in his process to be the healthiest person he could be. That he might wake up from his stupor, look around, and think oh crap, what have I done? and not be happy with the decisions that his unhealthy self made (marrying me).

2 - The mini vacation. Once I had put my passed out husband to bed, I was free to no longer worry how much he was going to drink, was he going to fall and hurt himself, was he going to get angry, etc. It was an enormous release knowing he was passed out for the night and that I could be free from worry. My biggest concern was being able to get to sleep on the couch because his drunk chainsaw snoring could still be heard across the house. She may just need sometime for herself.

Dx

[johnnyh]

MARRIAGE PROBLEMS SINCE GOING AF

I stopped drinking yesterday (see my introductory thread).

My wife complains when I drink in particular during the week. But she does not want to loose her drinking buddy on the weekend either (she drinks moderately). She was very upset when I decided to quit yesterday especially with the christmas season, christmas parties etc.

She thinks I am a bore when I go out and not drink.

She's known me as a drinker and though it got increasingly worse I think she is worried of loosing a part of me. I think the reality is that most ppl are extremely intimidated by change, whether for better or worse. But the long run will prove that it was a worthwile change.

Well done for staying sober. I think counseling would be an option and if my problems with my wife develop into a realy problem I will consider it for us.

[Waiting for his way out]

MARRIAGE PROBLEMS SINCE GOING AF

I agree with everyone, but please don't forget this:
the person who does not drink, was there, heard everything, remembers everything and was hurt a lot. It is commendable you have found a new you, but now you need to give others the time to adjust and put all those things behind them.. it takes time. I wish it did not, but it does.

[TWCOURAGE]

MARRIAGE PROBLEMS SINCE GOING AF

Just an update,I found out this week I am losing my job of 21 years due to plant closure.(corporate GREED) and my wife has been very supportive thanks again