A very dear friend said to me this morning that I should spend some time reflecting over the past few months. So here we go....
5 months ago I was a very different person. I would never have admitted it then but now I can admit that I am a drug addict and an alcoholic albeit recovering.
5 months or 154 days ago I was anxious, depressed (dangerously so) and at the end of my tether. I had already sought treatment for depression but had never mentioned my drinking or history of drugs even to my counsellor. Well only as much as to say I was maybe drinking a little more than normal but never mentioning what "normal" was to me.
My final bender consisted of gin, wine, codeine and anti depressants. I was so ill I thought I was dying. I was convinced I had permenantly damaged my liver and I thought I was losing my mind. I could not go to work for a week and could keep nothing down for a couple of days. I was SO scared.
During that week I knew I had to do something but I didnt know what. I sat at the PC, drinking wine (yes really) and wondering what on earth I was going to do. AA was never an option because in my mind I wasnt that bad ?! I had no idea that there was any other treatment or help available. I had been looking at a depression forum that mentioned MWO so I decided to check it out. It was the best thing I have EVER done in my life. All of a sudden, I was no longer alone. My habits, my feelings, my thoughts, others had them too!!! I couldnt believe it! I thought it was only me! Reading the posts calmed me in a way, I could see that people were living a life without alcohol and they were happy. Happiness was a feeling that I really thought was beyond me any more. Just soaking up the atmosphere from the site gave me the one thing I was lacking - hope.
The next few weeks were not nice at all, I was withdrawing, feeling like I had flu, my liver seemed to be rebelling, I felt sick all the time and the anxiety was pretty incredible. But what kept me going was this site, the people, the support, the information and the understanding. During those first few weeks I got a copy of the book and some of the supplements. The supplements I chose were Kudzu and Lglutamine, I also kept a diary of how i was feeling day to day. The supplements really did help with the cravings. My anxiety was pretty bad though. At one point I tried a Bach Flower Remedy called Rescue. In that past it has always helped me, but this time it bought my cravings back ten fold for almost 2 days. The base of the remedy has brandy in it and even though you only take a few drops on your tongue it really brought back some nasty physical cravings. I think it probably took about 4 weeks for the anxiety to abate. By that time the physical cravings were very manageable. It was the mental and emotional thoughts and feelings that were the new battle. How was I supposed to live a life with no buzz, nothing to look forward to at the end of a hard day? How was I supposed to talk to people and heaven help me, socialise???? That was probably the most worrying time. Feeling like my life was never going to be the same, I was never going to be able to celebrate or mark special occasions with drink/drugs or both.
Again, this site helped me work through that, by this time I had made some amazing friends who were going through the same thing or had been there. These were real people who I trusted to help me on my journey. It worked, I got through the twists and turns and bumps in the road, each time growing in confidence and strength and learning how to deal with my new life.
During this time I have had some hard things to deal with that would have normally sent me straight to oblivion. My mum has been very ill with cancer over the past 2 years and has had some emergencies lately, I have also lost the job that i had for the last 13 years. What surprised me most is that these things havent floored me as they would have in the past, I am coping with them, just like a normal person would! It really is quite astounding to feel this way. My confidence in myself is growing, my self esteem is growing. I actually feel proud of myself. I am beginning to like myself...at last.
So, what now? I am looking at this as just the beginning, the start of something new. I have the chance to build a new life for myself, one that is satisfying, healthy and REAL. I am a bit scared and very excited. I have no job, but I have a chance to do something else, I can re-train, I can study, the choices are endless and I feel blessed to have this opportunity to move forward. I would like to do something with my experiences of alcholism and drug addiction. It is early days yet and I have much work to do on myself, but I can see a future.A good one. I am SO grateful.
Thank you to each and every one of you for your support and love over these months. I really couldn't have done it without you.
5 months ago I was a very different person. I would never have admitted it then but now I can admit that I am a drug addict and an alcoholic albeit recovering.
5 months or 154 days ago I was anxious, depressed (dangerously so) and at the end of my tether. I had already sought treatment for depression but had never mentioned my drinking or history of drugs even to my counsellor. Well only as much as to say I was maybe drinking a little more than normal but never mentioning what "normal" was to me.
My final bender consisted of gin, wine, codeine and anti depressants. I was so ill I thought I was dying. I was convinced I had permenantly damaged my liver and I thought I was losing my mind. I could not go to work for a week and could keep nothing down for a couple of days. I was SO scared.
During that week I knew I had to do something but I didnt know what. I sat at the PC, drinking wine (yes really) and wondering what on earth I was going to do. AA was never an option because in my mind I wasnt that bad ?! I had no idea that there was any other treatment or help available. I had been looking at a depression forum that mentioned MWO so I decided to check it out. It was the best thing I have EVER done in my life. All of a sudden, I was no longer alone. My habits, my feelings, my thoughts, others had them too!!! I couldnt believe it! I thought it was only me! Reading the posts calmed me in a way, I could see that people were living a life without alcohol and they were happy. Happiness was a feeling that I really thought was beyond me any more. Just soaking up the atmosphere from the site gave me the one thing I was lacking - hope.
The next few weeks were not nice at all, I was withdrawing, feeling like I had flu, my liver seemed to be rebelling, I felt sick all the time and the anxiety was pretty incredible. But what kept me going was this site, the people, the support, the information and the understanding. During those first few weeks I got a copy of the book and some of the supplements. The supplements I chose were Kudzu and Lglutamine, I also kept a diary of how i was feeling day to day. The supplements really did help with the cravings. My anxiety was pretty bad though. At one point I tried a Bach Flower Remedy called Rescue. In that past it has always helped me, but this time it bought my cravings back ten fold for almost 2 days. The base of the remedy has brandy in it and even though you only take a few drops on your tongue it really brought back some nasty physical cravings. I think it probably took about 4 weeks for the anxiety to abate. By that time the physical cravings were very manageable. It was the mental and emotional thoughts and feelings that were the new battle. How was I supposed to live a life with no buzz, nothing to look forward to at the end of a hard day? How was I supposed to talk to people and heaven help me, socialise???? That was probably the most worrying time. Feeling like my life was never going to be the same, I was never going to be able to celebrate or mark special occasions with drink/drugs or both.
Again, this site helped me work through that, by this time I had made some amazing friends who were going through the same thing or had been there. These were real people who I trusted to help me on my journey. It worked, I got through the twists and turns and bumps in the road, each time growing in confidence and strength and learning how to deal with my new life.
During this time I have had some hard things to deal with that would have normally sent me straight to oblivion. My mum has been very ill with cancer over the past 2 years and has had some emergencies lately, I have also lost the job that i had for the last 13 years. What surprised me most is that these things havent floored me as they would have in the past, I am coping with them, just like a normal person would! It really is quite astounding to feel this way. My confidence in myself is growing, my self esteem is growing. I actually feel proud of myself. I am beginning to like myself...at last.
So, what now? I am looking at this as just the beginning, the start of something new. I have the chance to build a new life for myself, one that is satisfying, healthy and REAL. I am a bit scared and very excited. I have no job, but I have a chance to do something else, I can re-train, I can study, the choices are endless and I feel blessed to have this opportunity to move forward. I would like to do something with my experiences of alcholism and drug addiction. It is early days yet and I have much work to do on myself, but I can see a future.A good one. I am SO grateful.
Thank you to each and every one of you for your support and love over these months. I really couldn't have done it without you.
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