I have promised to update and I hit 10 months on the 7th....unbelievable to me still...i just can not imagine that i truly have quit drinking...i never ever ever thought that would happen for me...
As many of you remember I went to Lenair back in February and that with My Way Out was my kick start for sobriety...i felt i was truly ready to stop but did not know how....now here i am 10 months later...who knew...
I am 41 and had struggled with drinking as long as i can remember...i have 2 children, 12 and 10, and the guilt for not only what i was doing to myself but also what i was doing to them was unbearable...I had grown up as a child of alcoholics and the damage that it caused is still is with me today...i swore i would never do that to them...how could i be choosing this life of drinking over my responsibilities as a Mom....God had given me these beautiful children and I was not living up to my side of the bargain...
The nightly blackouts and hiding and secret life kept me living in a constant shame spiral...the only way i knew how to make the shame go away was to drink more ...over and over again...it was like Groundhog Day...there was no joy left...i was like a hamster on a wheel and i had convinced myself that there was no way off...
Every morning the battle began waking up sick to my stomach...hung over...trying to piece together the night before...barely able to get out of bed and get my kids off to school ...I was cranky and short tempered...I would spend my day swearing i was not going to drink but knowing I would...I lived such a false life - going to work and PTA meetings....putting in the perfect face and presenting a picture that was not real....inside i was so tortured...I drove around crying and praying to be healed...praying that somehow i would be able to stop.....The daily lies just went on and on....I would have to dispose of all the bottles I had hidden in my closet and figure out where to get my wine for the night...I would pack them in a bag that looked like things i needed for work and cushion them with towels so they would not clang....I would search for a trash can or dumpster where i would not be seen....the whole scene was like something from a bad Lifetime movie that i was starring in.....I would rotate liquor stores and grocery stores so that they might not remember me...or worse so that i would not see people i knew who might realize how much i drank....especially mothers from my kids school...I would buy big bottles of wine and boxes of wine and the little mini bottles of wine that i could drink in my car...there was always some method to my madness of why i was buying which type...some way in my grand plan that it would make the hiding easier...IT CONSUMED MY LIFE...it was all there was...alcohol had taken away everything else..Everything I did was so i could drink - even working at my fabulous job was so I could have the drinks i deserved at the end if the day...
When i think back on this and actually type it out...i can not believe i used to live this way...I do know this...I truly believe that if you do not confront what you did and what you are doing you can not let it go...YOU MUST BE HONEST about it all...the truth WILL set you free....no matter how shameful it is....It is something i must do and keep doing and i know that it helps others who struggle...I felt that i was all alone but i know now i am not....all people want to know is that they are not alone...that they are loved...
Today i live an authentic beautiful life....there are times when i feel like i am not part of the party but the truth is that there is really not one going on....handing the situations life throws me when i am based in reality is where I want to be...Situations that used to send me to the bottle I now can manage like a grown up...It was time for me to grow up...I was such a baby when it came to life...and I am 41 for Gods sake...I am proud of my self....my choices are good ones now...It is not always easy like i imagined it would be when i quit drinking - but it is real...it is manageable...
I can not even begin to count the people that have been effected by my sobriety...I have watched my children blossom and grow in the last 10 months in ways that i can not describe - It makes me weep at what i took away from them, but i am working on that...I know they are blossoming and laughing and growing because they feel safe - having drunk parents is a scary place to be for children - ask me I know....and now they do not have a drunk mother....I am present.
Many friends and family have talked to me about their struggles and have gotten the courage to quit because of my example - I know they thought that if she can quit then maybe i can too...You truly never know who you are effecting with your example.....everyone should remember that...It is such a blessing to feel you are helping others through your honesty...
More than anything i have my joy back and I feel again...not just sorrow and depression but true joy...i belly laugh and just cant believe how good it feels or how long it had been since i had really laughed...all i was missing is back...
I notice beauty in things i had missed for years...I cherish the hugs and laughter from my children and husband...the sunset, the colors, the softness of a warm bed, that taste of a delicious meal - so much......I no longer live in shame...I hold my head up high...I am proud of myself and my choices...i love life and getting into bed at the end of the day and falling asleep feeling good...really thankful for my life...How did this happen for me?...I just knew that I was made to be that sloppy drunk woman people talked about...but I am not and I will not be that drunk woman...I am better than that and I am more than that...
I am so very very grateful that i made the choice to give myself another chance...I deserved it..But only I could make the choice...it had to come from me...
I am walking with God and I have my life back...I swear to you that if this could happen for me it could happen for any of you...You have to choose it is your time...do not waste anymore time - there is so much more out there than the bottle...
I used to read posts like this and think that would never happen to me - IT CAN HAPPEN FOR YOU - REALLY - I am just like you...i am you...
I could not of done this without this place...I am thankful for all of you...
Thanks for reading...
Peace love and blessings to you...
XX buckle
As many of you remember I went to Lenair back in February and that with My Way Out was my kick start for sobriety...i felt i was truly ready to stop but did not know how....now here i am 10 months later...who knew...
I am 41 and had struggled with drinking as long as i can remember...i have 2 children, 12 and 10, and the guilt for not only what i was doing to myself but also what i was doing to them was unbearable...I had grown up as a child of alcoholics and the damage that it caused is still is with me today...i swore i would never do that to them...how could i be choosing this life of drinking over my responsibilities as a Mom....God had given me these beautiful children and I was not living up to my side of the bargain...
The nightly blackouts and hiding and secret life kept me living in a constant shame spiral...the only way i knew how to make the shame go away was to drink more ...over and over again...it was like Groundhog Day...there was no joy left...i was like a hamster on a wheel and i had convinced myself that there was no way off...
Every morning the battle began waking up sick to my stomach...hung over...trying to piece together the night before...barely able to get out of bed and get my kids off to school ...I was cranky and short tempered...I would spend my day swearing i was not going to drink but knowing I would...I lived such a false life - going to work and PTA meetings....putting in the perfect face and presenting a picture that was not real....inside i was so tortured...I drove around crying and praying to be healed...praying that somehow i would be able to stop.....The daily lies just went on and on....I would have to dispose of all the bottles I had hidden in my closet and figure out where to get my wine for the night...I would pack them in a bag that looked like things i needed for work and cushion them with towels so they would not clang....I would search for a trash can or dumpster where i would not be seen....the whole scene was like something from a bad Lifetime movie that i was starring in.....I would rotate liquor stores and grocery stores so that they might not remember me...or worse so that i would not see people i knew who might realize how much i drank....especially mothers from my kids school...I would buy big bottles of wine and boxes of wine and the little mini bottles of wine that i could drink in my car...there was always some method to my madness of why i was buying which type...some way in my grand plan that it would make the hiding easier...IT CONSUMED MY LIFE...it was all there was...alcohol had taken away everything else..Everything I did was so i could drink - even working at my fabulous job was so I could have the drinks i deserved at the end if the day...
When i think back on this and actually type it out...i can not believe i used to live this way...I do know this...I truly believe that if you do not confront what you did and what you are doing you can not let it go...YOU MUST BE HONEST about it all...the truth WILL set you free....no matter how shameful it is....It is something i must do and keep doing and i know that it helps others who struggle...I felt that i was all alone but i know now i am not....all people want to know is that they are not alone...that they are loved...
Today i live an authentic beautiful life....there are times when i feel like i am not part of the party but the truth is that there is really not one going on....handing the situations life throws me when i am based in reality is where I want to be...Situations that used to send me to the bottle I now can manage like a grown up...It was time for me to grow up...I was such a baby when it came to life...and I am 41 for Gods sake...I am proud of my self....my choices are good ones now...It is not always easy like i imagined it would be when i quit drinking - but it is real...it is manageable...
I can not even begin to count the people that have been effected by my sobriety...I have watched my children blossom and grow in the last 10 months in ways that i can not describe - It makes me weep at what i took away from them, but i am working on that...I know they are blossoming and laughing and growing because they feel safe - having drunk parents is a scary place to be for children - ask me I know....and now they do not have a drunk mother....I am present.
Many friends and family have talked to me about their struggles and have gotten the courage to quit because of my example - I know they thought that if she can quit then maybe i can too...You truly never know who you are effecting with your example.....everyone should remember that...It is such a blessing to feel you are helping others through your honesty...
More than anything i have my joy back and I feel again...not just sorrow and depression but true joy...i belly laugh and just cant believe how good it feels or how long it had been since i had really laughed...all i was missing is back...
I notice beauty in things i had missed for years...I cherish the hugs and laughter from my children and husband...the sunset, the colors, the softness of a warm bed, that taste of a delicious meal - so much......I no longer live in shame...I hold my head up high...I am proud of myself and my choices...i love life and getting into bed at the end of the day and falling asleep feeling good...really thankful for my life...How did this happen for me?...I just knew that I was made to be that sloppy drunk woman people talked about...but I am not and I will not be that drunk woman...I am better than that and I am more than that...
I am so very very grateful that i made the choice to give myself another chance...I deserved it..But only I could make the choice...it had to come from me...
I am walking with God and I have my life back...I swear to you that if this could happen for me it could happen for any of you...You have to choose it is your time...do not waste anymore time - there is so much more out there than the bottle...
I used to read posts like this and think that would never happen to me - IT CAN HAPPEN FOR YOU - REALLY - I am just like you...i am you...
I could not of done this without this place...I am thankful for all of you...
Thanks for reading...
Peace love and blessings to you...
XX buckle
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