Playing with fire?

[Mackeral]

I know what i have done is not the smartest thing in the world, and heaven knows i am not the smartest bloke. I decided to try coming off the antibuse for a week..Try drinking for one night. Then going back on the antibuse. The reason being to see if i could drink moderatly on Christmas day and New years Eve. I seem to have managed it. I drank the other night, drank moderatly, and am back on the antibuse.
The hardest part has been the overwhelming guilt i have felt while i drank and since.
I dont know why i feel it is so important to have a drink for these 2 days over christmas. It might be because i dont want to be down in the dumps. It might be because i cant imagine doing it any other way, it is more likely me being weak.
I even feel guilty writing this now after all the support i have had from people here.
I am not angling for anyone to condone this. And by the same token i dont want anyone to jump down my throat. I just want to still turn up here and not be false about my drinking.

As the title of the thread says playing with fire..I know i am. But its all im capable of at the moment. Eveyone has stress at this time of year. And everyone has they're own sob story. I wont bore you with mine. I know it has weakened me though.

[Bella]

Playing with fire?

Mackeral.....I'm not going to jump down your throat. I think you are a lovely, honest bloke. You probably are playing with fire but it worked THIS TIME> Just be careful, as that ole beast is a clever sod....(!) He will make you think..."Hey, I can handle it....I did ok...perhaps I can do this again..and again..and again..." until you stop going back on the antibuse. Now, I'm not saying that will happen...I'm certain it won't but watch yr back mate.

You probably feel its important to drink over xmas because tradition says....peopke do drink over the festive season...its almost the norm isnt it....but some of us have to NOT drink over xmas....

The other thing i wanted to say was...don't feel guilty for writing your post...God, this place is for us to speak our minds, get things out....How i wish i could speak my woes out a little better than i do!! So, all the best to you Mack....and stay happy.

Bella XXXX

[Guitarista]

Playing with fire?

Hello there Mackeral. You are trying something out for yourself. It will either work, or it won't. Only you will know, and if it ends up being back to day one again, so be it, you've tried another angle, and learnt from it, and your resolve will likely be stronger. I wish you well. G.

[Bandit]

Playing with fire?

Hi Mackeral,
I have been having the same thoughts myself lately, don't know why it is so important to me but the thought of my christmas eve and christmas day without a few drinks is really getting to me. I have no problem living without it until then but just those few days.
You can only do what you think is right for yourself and no matter what there will always be support for you here.
xx

[cymru]

Playing with fire?

Mack, to be honest its just great to hear from ya! Been wondering how you are.
I really dont know at what stage your drinking was at, but for me i know that if i start again, its back to day one and there will prob be some horrible days before day 1 begins.
There will be lots of us not drinking Christmas Day. For me, its not the binging on worry about, which is what i do the rest of the year. Its getting into the 'Christmas spirit' Going to the pub, having a few and 'enjoying' the christmas buzz with everyone else. Its the leaving the pub and wanting more that worries me, which i know will happen. Once i let my barrier down i cant trust myself to be good and mod.
Great to hear from you. All the best.

[bestlifeldms]

Playing with fire?

Dear Mack,

You have done so well! Sobriety makes us feel much better about ourselves, right? At least it has for me. I hate feeling bad about me. Because, I am very much a good person in my heart. You write that you don't want to feel down in the dumps, but then write that you feel guilty even writing this. Seems like alcohol brings on exactly what we dread. I remember many saying, "This is what alcohol or the beast, does." But it was me, doing it. Alcohol is an in-animate object, unable to leap into my mouth. It never put my arm behind my back until I cried "uncle" and took a drink. It was me, my mind games. Making bargains with myself, that made no sense. I know it is hard, every day is a struggle, not just this time of year. If you have a moment, go to "Need help ASAp" and read my post "Encouragement", it a bit of a ways down the page. I know you can do this. It is a process, for sure. I know, that I am looking forward to the first Christmas, in 16 years, where I will be AF. It will be great for me, and probably even better for the ones I love, who deserve so much for me never to do that to myself again. Chin up, my friend! Hugs, Best :h

[Mackeral]

Playing with fire?

It is a mind game, and one i'm not winning at the moment. I can hear myself contradicting everything i have wrote in the past two months. I have drank once in since october. I dont feel down in the dumps now. Apart from other issues at home i feel good. Proud even.
If i can just manage these 2 days i will be a happier person in my head.

[cymru]

Playing with fire?

i think an honest question you have to ask yourself is if you can drink for these 2 days, and leave it. Will it lead on to more drinking?

[southernbelle47]

Playing with fire?

My dearest Macks.........

The holidays are hard on everyone. I know I get down if I sit around and think too much.
Maybe if you and yours could go do something to help someone in your area that is old or needy.
My son and his wife did that last Sat. for a man who needed his yard cleaned up. Didn't cost them a dime but they felt like a million bucks after.
People are lonely this tiime of year and just a short conversation means the world to them.
I even take a little tiime to talk to the person ringing the bell for the Salvation Army......they always look so cold!

As always.....:h:h:hNancy

[bloggy]

Playing with fire?

Macks

You have done so well lately- my honest opinion is it will be a mistake to come of the AB to enable you to drink for 2 days.

It is only 2 days- there will be loads of good stuff on the box, and while I have no doubt you will go back on it after a few days, these occasions will keep popping up all our lives- so to quit permanently we have to go through them without a drink.

I am lucky as I have just opened a shop and will be open all over Xmas- I will just treat it as a normal day.

[Evie.Lou]

Playing with fire?

Dear Mac, Honesty is the best policy.It would be way to scary for me to try anything like that.I know for sure that my liver wouldn't be happy about it and the next day, neither would my head.
You're a grown man and if you think this is RIGHT for you, then so be it. I just wish you would take the time to ask yourself WHY you feel the need to test it.
I admire your recovery and you have been a true inspiration to me.Happy Holidays to you and your family.

[KateH1]

Playing with fire?

Mack......good for you on your honesty. I am not sure where you are in your sobriety. But, from my own experience I can tell you that "the world" will always tell us that we deserve a drink to relax, a drink or two during the holidays will add a festive ambiance...a drink or two will make us more sexy, more social and it goes on and on and on. The fact is that for problem drinkers, or alcoholics these are all lies. We are here, because alcohol does not make us experience any of the above. Momentarily we might, but in the end, it always ends up badly for us.

I can honestly say, that I am happy to finally be at the point where I am happy to be a none drinker!! I am so grateful to be at a point where I do not allow myself to be lulled back into thinking that I want to drink at all! For me, even if I could get through a few times of drinking in moderation, I know the end result would be right back to my old patterns in no time!

Good luck with your decisions here......wishing you a truly Happy Holiday Season!

Kate

[bestlifeldms]

Playing with fire?

Macks,

One other thing that has come to mind is that "me drinking alcohol" never made any special occasion better. It always made it worse, most times ruined it, not only for me, but for those around me. Just a thought! :h

[bloggy]

Playing with fire?

bestlifeldms;493262 wrote: Macks,

One other thing that has come to mind is that "me drinking alcohol" never made any special occasion better. It always made it worse, most times ruined it, not only for me, but for those around me. Just a thought! :h

Absolutely. I have wrecked many a Christmas and Birthday by drinking. This year I might actually remember it for good reasons, and not for how ill I made myself.

[A Work in Progress]

Playing with fire?

I guess the question is: over the long haul, are you going to be a drinker, or a non-drinker? If drinking on certain occasions is THAT important to you, then you will want to develop a very strong plan for moderate drinking, and see if it works for you. Use the drink tracker, get help and support from the successful moderate drinkers here, etc.

But if you really know, in your heart of hearts (and after talking it over with others who have observed your drinking... your wife, certainly!) that your drinking problem is so far advanced that drinking moderately is not a reasonable possibility for you... then get back on the antabuse, and quit playing with fire... right?

Best wishes... either way...