Narcissistic parents and alcoholism

[todsflove2]

Hi Everyone,

I was on these boards about two years ago and then took a break because I started to work quite a bit. It feels good to be back.

I had a few too many drinks last Saturday. I was feeling pretty lousy about myself and my life. I use to love my job, but with reorganizations, I don't like the new work or the new boss. I own a home, but the town has only married people and people ask me why I would be single, own a home, and live in this town. Sometimes, I don't even have the strength to go out! I have a master's degree, speak three languages fluently, have friends, and love to ballroom dance. But down deep inside, I'm still trying to reconcile a relationship with my mother.

I had a huge fight with her last Saturday and will no go to visit her for the holidays. I just feel terrible, but I am starting to realize that she is very narcissistic. I hate it that even at 36, she still tells me what to do. She wants to control when I get my hair cut, when I go to see the doctor, etc. She tells me that I was stupid to buy a home.

I have thought all these years that I was only here to serve her and do things for her. But no matter how much I do, she's never happy. I realize that I need to take a break for myself and not beat myself up over it.

I am a binge drinker. When I start, it's difficult if not impossible to stop. I just won't let myself buy any more alcohol. I've been drinking on and off for the past twenty years. I can go for a couple of years without a drink but then one day I crack and have to have one which leads to several over a few days.

I was wondering if anyone out there also was recovering from a narcissistic parent. If so or if not, I appreciate any advice and encouragement. I am also planning on attending an AA meeting tonight. I'm sorry if this is just babbling!

Thank you for being there!

Tina:thanks:

[KAT20]

Narcissistic parents and alcoholism

Hello Todsflove2, I am not sure if my mother is narcissistic or not. A therapist once told me that was her characteristic. She is like a adult child at times and does not deal with or cope with things well. She is not an alcoholic but a but possibly a food aholic. If I would need some one for guidance or encouragement in my life it certainly would not be her. She tends to make me feel worse. I have acheived sucess in my life with a second marriage and a gratifying career but am still very unsure of myself at times and self conscious. I started AA in August and it has been one of the best decisions I ever made. Heck, I think I'd be a member even if I was'nt an alcoholic. I also have a great therapist who was not easy to find but so glad I did as well. I am learning to trust my own feelings, intuitions, and desires. I'm 42 and feel like I am really starting to grow into myself this past year especially. I have detached myself from my mother alittle with the advise from a book called "Codendent no more " It is mainly for the loved one of an alcoholic but can apply to many other areas of life as well. Come to think of it I should get it back out an review some things before the holiday. Hope this all makes sense. Very best to you and your journey KAT

[sunshine_gg]

Narcissistic parents and alcoholism

Hi tods and :l to you

I also have a difficult relationship with my mother; I used to jokingly say that having her around would drive me to drink... not so funny anymore.

I think you are on the right track with taking a break for your own sanity. It doesn't mean you don't love her and doesn't make you an uncaring person. So, no beating yourself up, ok?

Going a couple of years without drinking is incredible - you obviously are a very strong person. You will do it again. And we are all here to cheer you on!

[startingover]

Narcissistic parents and alcoholism

Hi Tina, big welcome to you!
It sounds like you are about ready for an overhaul? Good job for posting, thats a great first start. My drinking was more of a regular day in day out continuous pattern, but I know that feeling of starting and then being unable to stop..
Maybe giving up the drink and starting to look after you would be a good thing just now..I know how a parent can be a trigger and we can blame them for allsorts, but what I have found is that now I am sober, I can control my feelings and reactions so much better. My mum is no longer such a trigger now...I used to have to have a drink to talk to her on the phone!!!
Anyway, do you have a plan? Or have you read the book? that might give you some tips on where you want to go from here. There are supplements and meds that can help. I use the supps, and there are hypnosis CDs. Also might be good for you to join one of the regular threads for daily ongoing support..
Lots of things you can do, let us know what your plans are and then we can help you through...

[BecomingMeAtLast]

Narcissistic parents and alcoholism

Hi tods! :welcome:

I, too, have had a difficult relationship with my mother for my entire life. It is different from yours but is still, and alway will be, strained. I'm 47, she is 85, and have come to that realization and have accepted that. I have worked on trying to be close to her but that is not what she wants.

Therapy helped me tremendously. So did reading many books. I think you are wise to take a break from her. Some relationships, even ones which should be endearing, loving and nuturing, are poisonous. This may be the case with you and your mom. I don't know.

"I hate it that even at 36, she still tells me what to do. She wants to control when I get my hair cut, when I go to see the doctor, etc. She tells me that I was stupid to buy a home."

That's not normal behavior for a mother, tods. It's very controlling and abnormal and HER problem. I'm glad you're taking the steps to not continue to make it your problem.

Good luck at the meeting tonight. AA and NA saved my brother's life.

Take care, :l
Be

[bestlifeldms]

Narcissistic parents and alcoholism

Hello, and welcome back! I can relate, for sure! I would suggest you read Boundaries, by John Townsend and Codependent no more, by Melody Beattie. I read these when I was about your age, and it helped me greatly to deal, not only with my dysfunctional relationship with my manipulative mother, but all other relationships in my life. The more I studied the more I realized that it was me, that needed to change. I needed to adjust the way that I reacted, responded to others. I had to find healthy boundaries, and not allow those to be violated. It isn't just our mothers, or fathers or close loved ones. We will encounter relationships our entire lives, that pull at us and make us feel bad about ourselves, if we allow that. It's amazing to watch what happens when you change the way in which you react to difficult people. Sometimes it takes a little while, but an amazing transformation takes place. They find that their usual techniques no longer work and 1 or 2 things happen. They either begin to interract with you in a way that is acceptable for you, or they go away. Good luck with your mom. Mine was a real piece of work, but I would give anything if I had her back. She died when she was 55. (My age now) I stood by watching her die, still waiting for her to say she loved and was proud of me. It never happened... I came to know, that I have to love and care about myself. I need to be the person that I can be proud of. I don't need others approval, anymore. Don't get me wrong, it's worth a million to have my kids and my husband - my sweet Dad, say they love me. But, it was never enough, and I still felt empty, until I began to love myself. Take care and have a wonderful Christmas. Oh, and by the way. I always think it is a good idea to own a home. Even in this market. You are young and the market will turn around. Enjoy your home. Hugs, Best

[KAT20]

Narcissistic parents and alcoholism

Best, Great post on family, I can so relate. Merry Christmas to you and your family

[SKendall]

Narcissistic parents and alcoholism

Hi tods, I think I am STILL recovering from a narcisstic mother and she's been dead 15 years!

Bestfield has the best advice, setting boundaries puts a wrench in their manipulation. Life is just all about them. I remember my mother coming to the doctors with me when my daughter was 3 weeks old and another patient said she hoped the birth hadn't been too bad and mother pipes up "what about me? It was awful for me!" - We never told her until after the baby was born, but that is a typical action of a narcissist - the more drama the better.

Stick around, you will receive a lot of support and a lot of people who can relate. Many of us are from dysfunctional families. :l

[maddiva]

Narcissistic parents and alcoholism

Don't have the problem of parents. My mother is locked away and my father is dead. When I read posts about people's parents it makes me quite thankful. You should be really proud of yourself for buying your home and being independant. A credit to you.

[veritas]

Narcissistic parents and alcoholism

So sorry to hear about your pain..

[upnorthgirl]

Narcissistic parents and alcoholism

Welcome, Tods

:welcome: Tods--I can certainly relate to you and your issues. My mother was/is the same way, plus a mean alcoholic. It is and always will be about her and all her :drama: If anyone has a headache, she has a brain tumor. If your child is having problems, she relates about how tough it was to have so many kids and what she went through. Very little support, because she has always had it worse in her eyes. It had been a pity party for ever.

Not to mention that of eight kids, I am the only one who does not resemble them or act like them--they are all tall, blue-eyed, athletic, rich. I am the total opposite--for decades that was BAD and I never measured up. Spent my life over-achieving and trying to please. IT DOES NOT WORK>

DOn't let anyone diminish your life or your choices. Different is not bad!:clapclap: Give yourself a round of applause for taking the steps to love yourself, believe in your choices, and feel good about it. If you have to distance yourself, do so for YOUR survival. Surround yourself with like-minded friends, activities you enjoy, MWO postings. Hey, if you need to, do what I did---move far away and make a short weekly phone call that you can cut off when the conversation gets negative.

YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY AND PROUD OF YOURSELF!

[keepwalking]

Narcissistic parents and alcoholism

Tods et al how was your mother brought up?? I also have a very controlling mother but this it what helped me, try it:

Imagine you walk into a bare room and there is a little girl sitting in the dark, sad and frightened, she is sobbing so you approch her, what would you do? You may naturally seek to comfort her. speak warm words, and hug her because you then realise you know this little girl, it is your mother, but she is only 3. You hold her tight until she stops sobbing and you make her feel better because she is so little and so frigtened. Now try and imagine her shrinking down and down until she is no bigger than the top of your thumb, tuck her into your heart and love and protect her. If you are able to see beyond the woman she became and can see the child within her then every time she pushes your buttons or belittles you or makes you feel bad remember that she was that frightened child and by doing so she will have no power over you anymore. Treat her with compassion, love and understanding but know that you have set yourself free because you have released the hold she has on you. No matter what my mother does or says to me i just have to close my eyes and visualise the above and I just laugh at her ( in a Kind way) and smile to myself. The only thing that can change here is the way you think about her, by doing so will bring different and more positve reactions. Forgive her and live your own life, let her go whilst she is still here, you will have days that test you but................. .

Im told this also works for anyone who seems to have the ability to grind you down ( fathers. brothers etc etc) but remember as was previously said here, you choose to react to them in this way, its time for you to change, good luck and heres to a more forgiving and positive New Year.

[upnorthgirl]

Narcissistic parents and alcoholism

keepwalking....

you are one WISE person.
Thanks

[MyHeartIsDrenchedInWine]

Narcissistic parents and alcoholism

Wow, Your Mother sounds just like mine! Reading and counseling have helped me tremendously. I have read every reply and it is all good advice!!!! You will find lots of help here. I'll be thinking of you