Divorce thread

[cowgal]

Divorce thread

me too/

I hope the best turns out for you to Time, I know you deserve better, I know and have shared alot w/ you (and you w/ me), so our situations are not the best...............yours is DEFINITELY changing for the better, hopefully SOME day I will get the strength to go??? I admire you for doing it, I may just wait til the kids are off to college, which is only another 3 years in total (if they get accepted and we can afford!?)

I definitely told Mike that if he wanted to split up, let's make it after the holidays, although the holidays have been a bummer to say the least!

Stay strong everyone and try to take care of yourselves (I need to follow my own advice!)

love,:h:l:h

MA

[keeta]

Divorce thread

stay strong ladies.
This is such shit to go through...emotionally torn, financially trapped...heart and head arguing to stay or go.
I wish you all peace and happiness in 2009...no matter how you can get it, I hope you do :l
My heart goes out to each one of you!

[time2change]

Divorce thread

Thanks MA. It's great to see you posting.
I know we both have been in this situation for quite sometime. It is always so easy to tell others to take care of themself, but it sometimes very hard to do for yourself. It has taken me a very long time to make this decision. I too was waiting for the kids to be older. I still worry about how they will deal with this and it is the one thing that has made me have doubts. I worry about finances way too much since clearly he is hurting me. I made the decision to buy the house because in 2004 it was destroyed in a hurricane and I put my heart and soul into fighting the insurance company and getting it rebuilt with almost no help. It was not something I could walk away from. I can only pray that I am doing the right thing and it all works out. In the meantime you will know when the time is right for you to make the decision if and when you have too. I'll Pm you soon and let you know more, but in the meantime do take care of YOU!!

[Lila]

Divorce thread

Someone told me that if you wait for the kids to get older, what you will have done is then tell them that it has all been a lie...their parents marriage has all been an act for their 'benefit.' My kids were pretty much relieved, and sad, when I decided to leave. They were young but never hoped for any reconciliation. I guess I am very pro-divorce, if you are with someone who will not put any effort into the marriage. Finances are a big deal, however. Very serious.
And yes, it took years for me to finally leave. I truly believe marriage is sacred. But so is divorce!!!

[time2change]

Divorce thread

I think there is something else to consider as well. By staying in an unhappy, unhealthy relationship what are we really teaching our kids. As I told my soon to be ex, that he sure has not shown his kids how to treat their future wives. We have been no shining example that is for sure.

[keeta]

Divorce thread

time2, that is my worry as well, I don't want to teach my kids...to settle or accept what isn't healthy simply because they feel obligated??

[time2change]

Divorce thread

Keeta
We say until death do us part, but what if you are no longer in love and it is obvious to the kids. I went through a seperation 8 years ago and asked him to come back because I did not want the kids to think I did not take the vow seriously. We no longer fight but we have not taught them what a truly loving relationship is like. I am sad that they have had to live like that. I tried but it has been over for along time and I just put off the inevitable.

[cowgal]

Divorce thread

I know

I want to teach my boys that the way their dad treats me is unacceptable, it is sooooooooooo hard to break away and be strong and do that, I say things all the time like "this is how you shouldn't treat your mate" etc..............but to really SHOW it, I am going have to be strong............I hate the choices I made as a younger woman, they were bad, based on fear mostly..............they are nipping me in the butt right now, and I know I have to do something to be strong and set a good example for my young men, my boys......................they are growing up and becoming young men, and I want them to be good ones.:h

good night, just got home from an awesome AA meeting then dinner w/ everyone, one of the guys bought dinner since he has been sober 8 years and said he couldn't have done it without us....love Joe!!!:h:h

I am happy once again, gotta get rid of the cravings though or I will be a drunk again...............even though Mike thinks I am better that way, I don't like it.............................:upset:

Good night all!!:l

[time2change]

Divorce thread

That is another good point. These men who drink excessively themselves prefer for us to continue to drink too. There is less of a chance of us doing the things we need to get on with our life if we continue to drink. Also, we are less likely to argue with them and are more accepting of their unacceptable behavior. Therefore, they encourage us to drink as well.
In my case that was one of the deciding factors. I am sick of the alcohol that is in this house, how it is presented as acceptable to my kids, and the money that is spent that could pay other expenses.
But I can totally understand the feeling that staying is what is necessary. I have made that same decision ever since getting pregnant with my first child 20 years ago.

[Lila]

Divorce thread

You have a new chance at love if you get a divorce...lots of people are stuck in long term, loveless marriages. Sometimes I worry if I will ever get married again, but I do think I will and I will be happy. I know I was guided to get a divorce.

[veritas]

Divorce thread

Despite that fact that I am struggling financially, I would never want my married life back. Living a life in fear of another person's rage is no life at all.
It also taught my children that anger is an unacceptable weapon with which to strike another.

My children are doing well and have developed a value system that makes me happy. I am very proud of who they have become and what they have achieved. They have grown into considerate and mature young people. Although we have gone without, we have not been ruled by fear.

When I was married, the atmosphere would freeze just before "dad" came home. There would be a flurry of activity to try to get everything perfect. I eventually realised that no matter what we did, if he was in a foul mood, he would find fault and blow up. He managed this without drinking. It's also when I started my drinking. I would long for my first glass of wine to keep my anxiety down.

Pity it couldn't stay with one glass.

There is no doubt in my mind that I would have left sooner, had it not been for the numbing effect of the alcohol.

[time2change]

Divorce thread

I find it hard to beleive that someone would get married again after going through this once. But it is encouragaing. Kind of like when you go through childbirth and the pain is so bad you swear you will never do it again. It is nice to know that people are still able to trust again.

[sunshine_gg]

Divorce thread

Best and only advice I can give... let it go!

I was married to a con artist, liar, cheater, abusive man, picture perfect dead beat dad, etc... after (admittedly) months, I came to the conclusion that I would NEVER get the answers I desired, and my kids would NEVER get the dad they deserved and in the meantime, I was turning into a bitter bitch. That's when I let it go and put it in the past.

It's been 10 years now, and yes, there still is a twinge IF I hear something about him but he has no relevance in my life anymore. I let it go.

Please - all you that are going through this right now - go (and I think you HAVE to) through all of the emotions: anger, hurt, devastation, fury, regret, etc... it's part of getting OVER it. And then.... let it go. It's a part of your past. Not really anything to be remorseful about - it brought you to here and now. It's ok. And it will get much better.

[Lila]

Divorce thread

Thank you Sunshine, really. I have so much to be grateful for, and I still get into anger and fear. I love happy endings.

[time2change]

Divorce thread

Like the song "Always something there to remind me", but I hope I forgive the hurt!!! Never could imagine another relationship or ever trusting again so for all those who have done that I would love to hear it!!