Divorce thread

[Guest]

Divorce thread

this is a test, not sure if it's posting or not.

[brightlite]

Divorce thread

Yes, divorce after 18 years is a horrible thing, but dating over 40 is right up there with it!!!

[time2change]

Divorce thread

My husband just handed me all of the divorce papers I gave him. He has signed them and notarized them. I'm not sure if he even read them. I had no idea how emotional I would feel at this moment. 21 years is a very long time to be with someone, but it has been unhappy for a long time. I thought I was ready to deal with this without the emotions but it is not ever easy.
I too struggle with what to tell my kids. They know that I had some issues with alcohol although their Dad drinks way more than me. He just handles it better maybe because he has more practice. They see him drinking everyday and never say a word but they would have a problem if I walked in the door with a beer in my hand. Actually I would have a problem with that too so I do not blame them. The issue comes down to whether or not I am honest about their Dad's illegal drug use. They know he takes prescription pain killers but they do not know that he was arrested in 2003 for illegal drugs. He went through probation for one year and just three months ago I found more illegal drugs. That was when I had a lawyer write the papers. Not sure how honest I am going to be with the kids. They are 20 and 14 so they are old enough for the truth but I do not want them to think I am blaming their Dad. We both let this happen and I want them to understand the blame can not be put on anyone thing or person. Alot to think about and no right answer.

[Captnjack]

Divorce thread

MEN suffer the pains of divorce and we are not that different although we are usually presented as "assholes" and DONT get me wrong we are most of the time ( assholes that is) but not all of us!!!!! Dear Time no right answer . I think at the moment I have to leave my partener this connection is dead!!!!!! its hurts me so much...... but to prolong this charade is a joke !!!!! the worst thing is Lucy!!!!!! she is only 7.... I keep thinking if we call it quits I am going to dammage her for life........ I dont know what to do anymore we hate each other but we think we can try to love again for Lucys sake its such a fucked up situation and the drink has stopped!!!!! spose reality dawns on the sober mind!!!!! we have tried to run from this for so long!!!! but it is knockin at the door. I dont know anymore whats divorce is it a new word for the end of a life I thought they named that death.

I dont know anymore seriously confused no answers ~!!!! what happens when you fall out of love the opposite...... fall into hate!!!!!!! or just a bearly tolerable togetherness!!!!!!!

PPS Dex thanks for starting this one love you!!!! you fractious cat I believe the only GOOD thing to do is to keep loving yourself it rubs off !!!!!

[rudemama]

Divorce thread

my partner of 20 years and i are splitting he has a place we told the kids jan 1 never want to see the shock and pain on their 8 and 13 year old faces again i rebuild a life for them and me there are great resources on the web about kids and divorce time will heal some of this
rudemama

[time2change]

Divorce thread

There really are no easy answers to any of this. If we stay in this situation for the kids sake we are not teaching them about happy healthy relationships and if we leave the kids feel so hurt.
I wish I knew the right answer. But I do know that I stayed way too long. I always thoguht I was doing the right thing, but the one suffering was me. I hope that the kids will see that this will make me happier and can then understand why it was the right thing to do.

[Lila]

Divorce thread

bump for lena

[lenaleed]

Divorce thread

Thanks Lila -- I'm new to these boards. Ironically, my ex-husband was the heavy drinker until I left 3 yrs ago and for awhile I was happy not to be around it anymore. My kids now are 18 & 20 and I can tell you staying married for the kids' sake is overrated. Gradually I found myself drinking alone and now have a "secret" habit. I don't know how much I will feeling like addressing divorce issues on this board. I will begin Sinclair Method when my Naltrexone arrives from River any day now. I do want to deal w/ life issues: dealing w/ pain & anxiety. As I said on the other board, Sinclair's mice quit problem drinking w/o counseling or support but I'll bet they did not have painful divorces or high-pressure jobs. Thanks, Lena

[inhiding]

Divorce thread

I have been living in a world of hell for 2 years now. I truely think that my husband is going thru male menopause.....aka...midlife crisis. He is 49, suffering some health probs, not as financially stable as he would like to be and we have 2 teens. He has, as times, opened up and said that he doesn't understand what is happening with him. I have hung because I took vows and truely believe that this is sickness. (sickness and health etc).... I never thought I would be in this position. We have ALWAYS agreed on most everything...money, family, living area, kids....I don't know but I feel that I have to hang in, the question is ............how long? Anyone been thru Midlife crisis...........MALES OR FEMALES advise welcome.

[Lila]

Divorce thread

Bottoms,
I have struggled with that vow business. Very very much. I left when the pain of being in that marriage was physically making me ill. Unless TWO people are working, and committed to each other, there is no vow. There comes a point when one must get the hell out!! (speaking of myself of course)
And Lena, there are some threads on the Sinclair method, look in the medications thread. And good for you, you will do fine, there are lots of options offered here.
Lila

[Accountable for Me]

Divorce thread

I imagine that most fathers really don't want the responsibility of raising a child on their own. In interferes with their freedom. They will threaten like all H*ll though.

BUT....

I, did, however, lose my first born child when she was 10 to her father and his wife. I wasn't a hard core drinker like I turned out a year later; but enough that I couldn't fight the Court. I was told I needed to get help. I felt like a shit mom. I never drank and drove, or nor did I not care for her. But I was heading for disaster. The bottle took control of me shortly after and I thank GOD that she wasn't there to see it. She was in safe hands. Today, I am truly grateful; but I still hate myself for getting to that place.

She lives with me half time now. Has for the last 2 years. We are 'rebuilding' the trust.

That experience was a nightmare for both of us. So many wounds that still need healing.

Anyone that is going through a divorce with children honestly should take the 'drinking' issue seriously. For yours and your child's sake.

Just a little piece of my experience to share with you.

[Lila]

Divorce thread

I am so glad to hear you are rebuilding, AFM. What a story. Words can't express...How old is she now?

Bottoms, has hubby ever gotten therapy or any help...? I am all for staying, and I really have heard of so many miracles in marriage, how things turned around and all, but sometimes life forces you in a new direction...I am here for you, you know.

Lila

[Accountable for Me]

Divorce thread

She is 15 now. Yes, it was hell and I will always feel so shitty/guilty and tons of hurt for her.

It was for the best. I was very angry about it when it happened. I hit the bottle hard. Of course I would do anything for my kids and if I were in any frame of mind back then, I would have known in my heart that it was the right course of action for sure.

I am grateful for her father and his wife.

I just wanted to share a bit of my experience. Having a drinking problem can really play a factor in the whole custody part of divorce. Especially if the spouse is bitter and wants to hurt the other.

In my case it wasn't that way. BUT losing a child is a very real possibility.

xoxoxoxo

[Lila]

Divorce thread

You have the whole rest of your life, and what a great example to her, that you made good, and are working toward sobriety.
You are right, of course, about the whole custody thing. Makes sense.

[time2change]

Divorce thread

I am hoping that some of you that have been through this already can help me. I have filed for divorce and my husband has agreed to all the terms. He signed the papers and i am waiting on a judges signature.
One of the problems in our marriage (there were many) was his drug/alcohol problems. He has drank/drugged for our entire marriage. Was arrested for possesion in 2003 and had a year of probation. That was when are marriage technically ended and my drinking began. Now that I have filed for divorce and it is nearing the end he has been clearly "using" alcohol and drugs much more than he had. I suddenly feel like I am driving him to it. I am worried I will feel guilt over what he does to himself for a very long time and that after the divorce is final in the next few weeks he could really do himself harm. He is not a healthy person and drugs and alcohol are a very dangerous thing for him to mess with.
I am not in love with him but I still feel like I am hurting him. Any advice from those who have been through this may help.