how to deal with friends

[starfairy]

how do i make my friends understand that i can not drink anymore. they all know that i have a problem with it and that i always talk about quitting but they always down play it. like "you act like it is worse than it really is" but they aren't with me on the mornings i wake up and can't remember going to bed or trying to hide the messes i have made or the shame and sadness i feel from such an over indulgence. i just don't want to feel this kind of guilt anymore.

[Monica]

how to deal with friends

When you first stop drinking, you can feel quite vulnerable to anyone criticising or questioning that decision, especially close mates. You just have to be strong. If anyone asks a question that seems too nosy, you can just say something like, "Why do you ask?" Nine out of 10 times, you'll be talking to someone who has issues with alcohol themselves, and the fact that you've up and quit will be pricking their conscience about how much/how often they drink, ie they are just being defensive.

I've found sometimes that just saying, "I realised my drinking was out of control" can make people shut up and listen, as you can't really argue with an honest disclosure like that. I can remember a woman on a course I was on, at least 3 yrs ago, saying exactly that. I totally respected her honesty and courage, for saying it, when people asked why she wouldn't have a drink with everyone there. She said how she'd argued with her spouse at a pub one night and nearly broke up, then couldn't remember what the argument was about, in the morning. I could certainly relate!

Challenge your friends on their lack of of support. Tell them you're serious about your decision and that you expect their support, as mates. I have quite a few good friends who heard about my decision to quit MANY times before it actually clicked and worked!

Good luck!

[upnorthgirl]

how to deal with friends

same here

I am having the same problem with some of my friends. It is difficult because although I drank heavily with them, they are really unaware about how much I drank at home, on my own, and could not even function enough to get to bed. I am hoping to NEVER get that way again, but told my husband that if I do, he is to videotape me...and leave me where I fall. It would certainly be an eye-opener for me and friends who believe that I get this way only at parties...even though I have said repeatedly how bad it has gotten.

I am also noticing that some "friends" don't want me to quit drinking because they want a drinking partner....

[Doggygirl]

how to deal with friends

I can only speak for myself. But for me to get sober and stay sober, I have had to make my sobriety my NUMBER ONE PRIORITY. It comes first, always.

That means I have had to critically evaluate the situations I put myself in, and sadly, some of the company I used to keep. Those who primarily want a drinking buddy (and we all gravitated to at least a few of those) may not be healthy folks to hang with early in your sobriety.

Sounds harsh, but them's the facts. I haven't been to a bar just to hang out with pals in over 7 months. I don't miss it because I LOVE the sober life I'm building.

It is so important to realize that we have to proactively build a sober life. If all we do is stop drinking, what fills the void? The "call" to fill the void with drinking again can be very strong. On the other hand, building a life that is full of new interests and activities (or resurrecting / furthering old interests) takes us further and further away from the old lifestyle. Unfortunately, some old friendships may have to go if they are not healthy, and can't be made healthy. The good news is that new friendships will be made.

2 cents PLUS a bag of chips (a big one!) as usual..

DG

[BridgetJones1998]

how to deal with friends

I'm glad you started this thread starfairy. I can empathise with everything said by Monica, upnorth, and Doggygirl.

My very best friend has a serious drinking problem.... and that is probably why she is my very best friend. I moved to my current town 4 years ago. I have trouble letting people "in" because I am ashamed of my drinking. But I found someone just like me. She has a nice life on the outside and holds down a respectable job but loses control when she drinks. I can be me around her. She says she drinks too much but has no desire to cut down or change. She says she's happy for me but I can't be around her when she drinks, and I have told her so. I don't know where our friendship will go.

Thanks Doggy for emphasizing.... making one's sobriety one's NUMBER ONE PRIORITY. It will come first, over friendships, over everything. We have a group that meets at a BAR to celebrate birthdays and we have one coming up Jan 11th. I have already decided to send my gift and not to attend. IT'S JUST NOT WORTH IT!

Along the lines of building a healthy lifestyle. I took a big step and went to a HOT yoga class with my husband this week. He is an exercise fanatic. He has been asking me to go for a long time. I took the plunge. It was 105 degrees and 50 percent humidity for 75 minutes of yoga. It was right up there with childbirth. I wouldn't say I enjoyed it but it definately filled the time and he was happy that I did something with him that he enjoyed. I enjoyed it when it was OVER!

Day 11 and feeling great! I am loving the sober life so far! Thanks for your insightful and inspiring words.

[river0123]

how to deal with friends

I just say very matter-of-factly, "I'm not like you. I don't just want one or two. I want ten. So it's best I don't have any". So far it has only got me pats on the back and "wow, good for you!".

[Determinator]

how to deal with friends

excellent replies, and a big welcome to you Starfairy.

I started my AF lifestyle with my old drinking friends with the usual excuses: I'm not feeling well/on meds/doctors orders/etc etc. and after a while they just stopped bugging me about it and accept me for who I am sober. They even stock N/A drinks just for me now which is nice.

if they are not the right friends for your new healthy lifestyle the situation will correct itself...they will just drift away. and that's just how it goes. maybe later they will come back, maybe not.

[witchywoman]

how to deal with friends

Hay Starfairy, its a tough when you have friend's who are big drinkers, alot of the time I feel that my best friend's life revolves around getting trashed at the weekends, I dont think he drinks to avoid anything, I just think he drinks cause he enjoys it, but i know i can no longer be that person, if i want to be me, so I arrive later & leave early if we are having a party I also drive so when my freinds ask me what I'm drinking i can say 'I'm not cause I'm driving"
I agree with Monica, friends who give you a hard time about not drinking probably have their own issues with it that they are not ready to face & are probably jelous that you are strong enough to take control of your life, the other thing I am doing with my BF is to suggest other things to do, like go to dinner & a movie.
Good luck

[Doggygirl]

how to deal with friends

witchywoman;503615 wrote: ...the other thing I am doing with my BF is to suggest other things to do, like go to dinner & a movie.
...

THAT is the excellent part! It sounds like you have very good strategies in place to deal with drinking situations - and that is critical too. But doing DIFFERENT things other than being in the same old situations where drinking is the central activity is so very important.

I suggest making a list of things you want to do - yes, in writing! My own list includes some chore type projects around my house, but also includes fun stuff - books I want to read, places around town I want to go check out, new activities to investigate, etc. When an intense craving hits, it will go away faster if you turn your attention to something else. And a list is a very good thing in those moments.

DG

[starfairy]

how to deal with friends

both types of friends

thanks for all of your supportive words. I have both types of friends. i have one that yes is my drinking buddy so she is the one who doesn't think i have a problem because she is right there with me. my other friend doesn't understand my drinking because she does not have any kind of problem with it. she doesn't even usually drink when we are out but yet she is very judgemental because she does not understand. her parents never drank either. I have pushed her away because i am ashamed. I just want to hide away and deal with it on my own. it is hard to even talk to my husband about it because he is the type that can have three and be done or he eats before or during drinks. Not me... that just ruins it all. He also sees my mother drunk all the time and i know he hates it. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me before my kids and I know he loses respect for me each time he sees me soo wasted.

[Evie.Lou]

how to deal with friends

I think we have all had to deal with it.
i always fall back on the excuse that I am on MEDS and it is against Dr. orders.
it gets easier as time goes by...I promise.

[upnorthgirl]

how to deal with friends

I am not lying anymore

I have decided that my resolution (not waiting until New Year) is to be honest and stop making excuses to others about why I am not drinking. I've done the meds thing, the driving thing, the allergy thing... I have even said I was allergic to alcohol (if breaking out in stupid dangerous behavior is an allergy). If I were diabetic I would not lie about not eating candy, or if I had high blood pressure I would not lie about a low sodium diet. So why lie about this disease that I have?

In the last few weeks I have opened up and been honest to family and some friends. Told them how bad it has gotten while I drink alone at home, how I am in therapy, on this site. I have had a few nay-sayers but for the most part, people are supportive (and not many were too surprised by my "hidden" drinking, go figure!).

If anyone asks me why I am no longer drinking, I will flat out tell them I am in recovery. If they are shocked or surprised, too freaking bad! I can not heal myself if I am not honest with myself and others.

So there's my two cents' worth for the day :thanks:

[A Work in Progress]

how to deal with friends

Wow, UpNorth! Good for you! That is a huge, and very healthy, step in the direction of a lifetime of freedom from alcohol!!!

[Doggygirl]

how to deal with friends

:goodjob: Upnorthgirl!!!! What WIP said....

DG