As many will know I have been around for a while (obviously not as long as some long term members whom I met when I first came here; like Boops, Star, Barbie, Jude, Tkeene etc).
I've had my ups and downs etc and been able to talk about em (in time) when I've felt I've screwed up. But this time has felt different. Because to be honest I GAVE UP. This is not gonna be some big long message OK (I hope!) I just need to let those that have cared and thought about me over these past 14 months know that at times you have saved me from myself.
The abyss was wide open this Xmas. I lost overnight contact with my daughter a few months back and I am fighting through court to get some proper 'contact' back at present. I split from a girlfriend I met here that has now turned so sour not even sucking lemons could make it better... Had major argument with her on Xmas night. Did so sister in law who slammed me for sticking up for a donkey sanctuary over a childrens hospital over my charity payments at present and at the end of the day I was trying to make my daughter understand about MY dad (who died in 2003 and my Gran who died in 2006 because I'm getting all these questions asked of me). I don't mean to sound like others have not got problems worse off than me becuase I KNOW I am lucky at times to still be ALIVE. (GOD PLEASE THOUGH SHOOT ME WHEN I GET SENILE AND START SHITTING MY PANTS!!lol HOPEFULLY IN ABOUT 20 YEARS WHEN IT MAY BE LEAGAL???).
I'm not trying to deflect the fact that ONCE this site I felt was run by 'ourselves' in a way. Yes I DO admit that at times not only I but others have 'abused' the site. The introduction of embedding videos was a great idea because it gave the site that much more 'social' response about music, politics, humour........you name it! BUT I also guess I could see it from a perspective that when I first joined it detracted from the primary purpose of it. As you all know I am a member of a few sites concerning my drinking that are totally text based. They seem a bit 'dated' now and have been for a while BUT I do feel somehow the odd vid or picture did not go amiss here. The fact that so-called 'moderaters' where to be introduced recently left me quite angry in a sense because I felt moderation felt 'money' and whether you had paid your subscription etc. Hell there was no way I was gonna be a moderator then!! Not that i wanted to be anyway. That is a hard job tbh and one I feel only those with time on their hands could manage. Not neccessarily to say they needed YEARS of sobriety to understand the meaning of decency. I'l quite easily put Nancy, Cindi, Det, Southernbelle up for the vote anytime of day if I was given the option? But I wasn't! Maybe I've missed something over these past few weeks being 'out-there' again. AND BEFORE YOU ASK "WHY?" here goes. Nancy- always given sound advice and not once I have seen abuse this site as I have not the others. Not a 'friend' I PM either so don't go there. Cindi, YES a friend but someone who knows right from wrong and will not tolerate bullshit from ME or anyone. Det?? One of the few guys on site apart from IAD that again has some decency and understands a joke rather than a flagrant abuse of someone. AND again Nancy? The fact we are probably at oppositte sides of the scale concerning our religious beliefs does in no way make that woman hate me!! Nancy has more than religion in her life and again I feel has a common sense of decency who would quite easily tell me otherwise if she felt. BUT we have our own ways in life and she appreciates that I feel. I feel no fundamentalism in her that I probably would from some of the 'appointed' moderators. That is not say either that I would not abide by good telling off if I stood out of line like I have done in the past. Which I have been repremended for OK?
Anyway! My thanks again to those here that have supported me recently especially Lynda, Evie, Cucks and Jinja. I know all the rest of you bastards OK but this is not turning into some award speech!! (I'm not thanking GOD OK!!). Cym? New year gonna come and see you, girlfriend and kids OK? Keep it real mate I love ya! (SHIT I couldn't help meself could I??)
Seriously! Back to the matter at hand. I think after talking to YOU det last summer about this 'search' I was one, it brought into question a lot things. I decided that letting go was the best thing for me. I guess I was wrong mate! I let go of 'everything'. Tried to pull it back into persective with my access rights recently and all the rest of the shit. (AJ- new relationship). I just wasn't ready becuase I gave up that search for things. That is what I do and who I am. I now I ain't gonna find the answers I guess but I need to feel I'm still at least looking for em. I think somehow I'll get closer though with the help of a few mates here and elswhere......(EVIE?)
Love and Happiness
Hips
xxxxx:l:l:l:l
I've had my ups and downs etc and been able to talk about em (in time) when I've felt I've screwed up. But this time has felt different. Because to be honest I GAVE UP. This is not gonna be some big long message OK (I hope!) I just need to let those that have cared and thought about me over these past 14 months know that at times you have saved me from myself.
The abyss was wide open this Xmas. I lost overnight contact with my daughter a few months back and I am fighting through court to get some proper 'contact' back at present. I split from a girlfriend I met here that has now turned so sour not even sucking lemons could make it better... Had major argument with her on Xmas night. Did so sister in law who slammed me for sticking up for a donkey sanctuary over a childrens hospital over my charity payments at present and at the end of the day I was trying to make my daughter understand about MY dad (who died in 2003 and my Gran who died in 2006 because I'm getting all these questions asked of me). I don't mean to sound like others have not got problems worse off than me becuase I KNOW I am lucky at times to still be ALIVE. (GOD PLEASE THOUGH SHOOT ME WHEN I GET SENILE AND START SHITTING MY PANTS!!lol HOPEFULLY IN ABOUT 20 YEARS WHEN IT MAY BE LEAGAL???).
I'm not trying to deflect the fact that ONCE this site I felt was run by 'ourselves' in a way. Yes I DO admit that at times not only I but others have 'abused' the site. The introduction of embedding videos was a great idea because it gave the site that much more 'social' response about music, politics, humour........you name it! BUT I also guess I could see it from a perspective that when I first joined it detracted from the primary purpose of it. As you all know I am a member of a few sites concerning my drinking that are totally text based. They seem a bit 'dated' now and have been for a while BUT I do feel somehow the odd vid or picture did not go amiss here. The fact that so-called 'moderaters' where to be introduced recently left me quite angry in a sense because I felt moderation felt 'money' and whether you had paid your subscription etc. Hell there was no way I was gonna be a moderator then!! Not that i wanted to be anyway. That is a hard job tbh and one I feel only those with time on their hands could manage. Not neccessarily to say they needed YEARS of sobriety to understand the meaning of decency. I'l quite easily put Nancy, Cindi, Det, Southernbelle up for the vote anytime of day if I was given the option? But I wasn't! Maybe I've missed something over these past few weeks being 'out-there' again. AND BEFORE YOU ASK "WHY?" here goes. Nancy- always given sound advice and not once I have seen abuse this site as I have not the others. Not a 'friend' I PM either so don't go there. Cindi, YES a friend but someone who knows right from wrong and will not tolerate bullshit from ME or anyone. Det?? One of the few guys on site apart from IAD that again has some decency and understands a joke rather than a flagrant abuse of someone. AND again Nancy? The fact we are probably at oppositte sides of the scale concerning our religious beliefs does in no way make that woman hate me!! Nancy has more than religion in her life and again I feel has a common sense of decency who would quite easily tell me otherwise if she felt. BUT we have our own ways in life and she appreciates that I feel. I feel no fundamentalism in her that I probably would from some of the 'appointed' moderators. That is not say either that I would not abide by good telling off if I stood out of line like I have done in the past. Which I have been repremended for OK?
Anyway! My thanks again to those here that have supported me recently especially Lynda, Evie, Cucks and Jinja. I know all the rest of you bastards OK but this is not turning into some award speech!! (I'm not thanking GOD OK!!). Cym? New year gonna come and see you, girlfriend and kids OK? Keep it real mate I love ya! (SHIT I couldn't help meself could I??)
Seriously! Back to the matter at hand. I think after talking to YOU det last summer about this 'search' I was one, it brought into question a lot things. I decided that letting go was the best thing for me. I guess I was wrong mate! I let go of 'everything'. Tried to pull it back into persective with my access rights recently and all the rest of the shit. (AJ- new relationship). I just wasn't ready becuase I gave up that search for things. That is what I do and who I am. I now I ain't gonna find the answers I guess but I need to feel I'm still at least looking for em. I think somehow I'll get closer though with the help of a few mates here and elswhere......(EVIE?)
Love and Happiness
Hips
xxxxx:l:l:l:l
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