The spouse?

[NorthWood]

My spouse hates me drinking, most of the time. We can sometimes drink together and we have a good time, then the rest of the time she will get livid if she thinks Im going to drink even if if were not together. One time its fine then the next she gets pissed if she even thinks Im going to drink.
I have always been considered a happy drinker. Ive never been in a fight with anyone but her. I have dozenes of dozenes of friends that enjoy having a drink with me, but there are times when I drink she will just jab at me till its an issue. Ill try my hardest to avoid her when I drink just for that reason, but she will go to wherever Im at to start a fight.(down stairs outside, in the garage ect...
My drinking is the root of all our marrriage problems. (according to her) I quit for a year several years ago and she didnt even know cuz she was preoccupied with multiple affairs. Thing obiviously werent any better then cuz I was not happy with what she was doing.
Now latley I have desided that I am going to quit again and she expects that but doesnt support helping me accomplish that goal. She refuses to go to marriage therapy with me and be honest. She only wants to hear that she is right and that isn't how the counselor see's it, so she will lie to the point the counselor asked her why she feels she needs to lie.
I have found this website and been introduced to several ways of kicking the habbit, but she will not work with me to end our "my" problem. The meds. and supp's arent cheap and it's like she goes out of her way to make sure we dont have the 'extra money' to purchase them without inconveniecing the family, ever. She has a whole house full of new furniture and has spent dozens of weekends down at her folks, several vacations with her folks, hair, nails and new outfits regulary....
I have even been tring to find a differnt job, due to the one I have taking me away from home often and is not very conducive to the whole 9-5, father pick's up the kids and starts supper lifestyle that she would like and she does not support me doing anything diffrent cuz it pays well and is an distinguished job with a good title but like the AL it is also the problem often.
If I didnt "know" better Id say she really isnt as conserned about my sobriety as she is me being the root of all our problems. I have always thought she has use my drinking as her crutch to do whatever she wanted without being at fault.
Sorry to bore y'all with my crap! Just needed to vent. Does anyone elese out there have a similar story at home or am I dealing with with my own speical case?

[Mohun]

The spouse?

Sorry to hear about your troubles dude. But holy crap you put up with a lot of crap. One affair from my wife, and I would kick her to the curb.

Anyway, bear in mind this is an anonymous web site and none of us are qualified to give marital advice.

Just focus on quitting drinking. You are doing it for yourself and your kids, not for your wife.

Get yourself well.

[Doggygirl]

The spouse?

Hi Northwood. I don't think you are alone at all. Marriage can be challenging on it's own, WITHOUT alcohol it the middle of it. Sounds like your wife has some issues of her own.

All that aside, one thing is for sure. You will NOT go wrong be stopping the drinking. Drinking alcohol makes nothing better (even for those who drink just one), and CAN make everything worse, especially for those of us who are problem drinkers.

A Mo said, do it for you and your kids. Once you get your head clear of alcohol, it will probably be much easier to figure out where you are with your marriage.

2 cents and best wishes,

DG

[Evie.Lou]

The spouse?

ALCOHOL is hard on the PERSON who drinks it and on everyone who cares about that person...
I have a caring spouse who stood by my side thru the worst of it and I have alot of guilt about how my drinking has effected him.
Now that i am sober, all I can do is give back the love that he gave me while i was sick...He sees it as being no different than if I had cancer or some other disease...

[inhiding]

The spouse?

private message

Is sent you a private message....I don't know if you will get it as I am new to this. Hope so.... the message is basically...been there done that and still doing that for some reason.

[nancy]

The spouse?

Hi there,

It's hard to judge relationships by one anonymous post...

But it sounds to me like she has a dominant position in this relationship and she is controlling you in a number of ways, including criticism of your drinking and decisions about your job. You obviously feel your drinking is not as much of a problem as she does. This is either denial or a reflection of the way it is, or maybe a combination of both.

You obviously feel that the dynamics of the relationship are really unfair. And they sound very unfair, and she sounds selfish! I think you need marriage counseling and you need to try to find a way to support yourself with your drinking goals, by coming here, or going to meetings locally, since you don't feel supported by her. And you need to come to some sort of realization on your own about whether you do really have a problem because from your post, it sounds like you don't think you do, that you are normally a happy drunk, etc..

[keeta]

The spouse?

Hi North,
I am sorry to hear things are not going the way you would like in your relationship. Every relationship has its own dynamics both healthy and unhealthy. Patterns of behaviour develop, and not always for the better.
Maybe she has developed unhealthy ways of coping with your drinking by controlling you in ways she has found she can...like spending money freely, and being critical (not to make excuses for her in any way, just a thought).
Like some of the others have said, it is hard to judge from one post on an anonymous site. Though from just your post alone, if everything you say is totally unbiased and true, I feel badly for you.
Work on getting you healthy, and happy, get sober, continue counselling on your own if need be, and then from there, you can reassess where you stand, and what you want and need.

All the very best to you, and vent away, we are all here for you! :l
K