From mod to AF-When did you throw in the towel?

[Eve11]

Dear MWO members,
For those of you who don't know me I have a history of problem drinking. I know that many people try to moderate and from what I'm hearing there are a great many who have tried it only to say "I can't moderate" and eventually choose the AF life.

This question is for those of you who came here trying to moderate and realized you couldn't. At what point did you decide to throw in the towel knowing that is was just going to be easier to completely abstain.

Thanks!
Eve11

[LVT25]

From mod to AF-When did you throw in the towel?

I am one of who you speak. When I read about the book and its promise of drinking in moderation--I thought--cool, this is for me! I started here in February, and started drinking in moderation right away. But what that was for me was I would only drink on weekends. I think I tried this for about 3 months I guess. Then, one weekend, even though I told myself I wouldn't, I ended up in the bar all day. I drove home (and I for sure was not in any shape to do that). The next day I learned the patrol had a road check set up right after we left town. It is the closest I have ever come to getting a DUI. It would have had serious consequences. I told my husband and myself then and there that it was obvious I could not control my drinking. So I committed to be af for 30 days. I ended up going 60 some and then drank a little bit at a wedding, and once night with family, and on our anniversary. But something had clicked, and it just wasn't enjoyable anymore. I was feeling and looking better. So I just don't drink now. It's been since September 27, and I like this way of life better than trying so hard to control something that I could not. I have a defective off switch.

(Sorry if this is a longer reply than you had in mind!):H

[A Work in Progress]

From mod to AF-When did you throw in the towel?

Well, I will kick it off although I technically don't qualify: when I came to MWO I had already thrown in the towel on the moderate drinking question. And it truly was a "straw that broke the camel's back" deal. I started drinking heavily when I was a senior in high school... in 1970. Managed to get through a lot of life, a lot of accomplishments, still drinking heavily... and it started really getting to me when I was in my 40's. I was functioning OK, but I knew I was just hanging on, and I felt like a prisoner of alcohol. One horribly hungover morning, I actually got on my knees and prayed to God for the alcohol to be taken away from me! After that, I did about a year AF on my own... and then I started up again, convincing myself that life wasn't that much better sober, so why not drink? I probably went through that sequence 4 or 5 times, over the years, plus my 3 year stint of sobriety in AA. Each time, I started up drinking again, convinced (somehow, God knows how) that I could control it. And each time, I went very quickly back to getting drunk nearly every night. Blackouts. Horrendous hangovers. A few close calls in work-related situations. 2 DWI's. Bad choices in relationships (being a drunk requires one to keep company with other drunks, until one gets to the point of just drinking alone... which eventually I did).

Anyhow, the last drunk episode wasn't all that different from many of the others, but an accumulation of awareness about my own patterns, a sudden burst of clarity just (finally) hit me. I wanted alcohol totally out of my life, and it was as if I was relieved of the burden of wanting to try to control my drinking. Alcohol had finally become totally unattractive to me. That doesn't mean I don't still want to drink sometimes... but I know, absolutely know, that it is not an option for me. It has taken too much away from me, too much out of me, and I am done messing around with trying to control something that isn't worth a hill of beans, in the first place!

So: I was looking for an alternative to AA, and in my hung-over haze, I found MWO. Read the book, and was totally uninterested in the moderate drinking option, but decided the rest of the program might be really helpful to me... and it has been.

p.s. edit: thanks for the kick-off LV! I was writing while you were posting!

[Mohun]

From mod to AF-When did you throw in the towel?

Hi. I have tried modding many times in the past. I found this site and was AF for 100 days. I thought I finally had a good hold on AL and tried modding again. Well, several months later here I am again.

Funny thing is, I have no withdrawl symptoms. There is AL in the house and I don't care. I think because I quit for 100 days before, I know I can quit for good.

Mostly I quit because I want to be healthy and have a good long retirement. I have a great job with an excellent pension plan (retiring at 56). I want to travel and suck every last penny out of that plan.

Anyway, as far as I can tell now, I am quitting for good. :goodluck:

[Seacailin]

From mod to AF-When did you throw in the towel?

Wow, WIP, I had no idea we had so much in common!! Your entire first paragraph was me exactly!
My drinking was out of control by my mid-twenties. I got help and stayed AF for 10 years.
When I picked up a drink, it was because my marriage ended, and I could not imagine socializing without AL. It was immediately out of control. For the next four years, two rehabs, jail; I struggled to stay sober. In 2003, I got sober and stayed that way for a year and a half; so, without going on it on...multiple relapses. I threw in the towel 63 days ago.

[kaponium]

From mod to AF-When did you throw in the towel?

Hi all - great thread, Eve! For me, the FIRST time I ever drank I blacked out, and for the next 10 or so years I just thought I was mental - had NO IDEA about the concept of "disease"....anyway, I started getting into all sorts of trouble, personal and Legal, and finally it was suggested perhaps I could STOP DRINKING in about 1997.....YEAH, RIGHT - might as well have told me to stop breathing! A chronic relapsing alkie that I am, have however had long, long periods of EXCELLENT sobriety, and they just keep getting longer, and the cravings and "emotional" relapses DO PASS without the aid of a drink.

For me today, One is definitely FAR too many, and a thousand NEVER enough. When I pick up a drink after any period of sobriety, I am generally "round-the-clock" drunk for months....It gets harder and harder to get back up, so I try really hard not to set the ball in motion...

SInce 2002, I have been mainly sober, however this year I have had two severe relapses, which landed me in hospital once. The visual and aural delerium tremens are part of the progressiveness of the disease for this alk.

Shall look forward to other posts on this subject - I have been sober and clean now since 17 November....ONE DAY AT A TIME!

X

[Guitarista]

From mod to AF-When did you throw in the towel?

Hi Eve. For me, it's all or nothing at the moment. Forever abstain? I honestly don't know, or worry about looking that far ahead. But. At this point in my life, alcohol is wasting my precious time, it saps my precious energy, my presence of mind, my health, my soul, my spirit, my life. I am alcohol free, and absolutely loving it. I know i need to be af to accomplish things i need/want to do...I want to see what i can do. I've tried moderation many, many times, and it works for a few weeks, then, bang!...back into old heavy drinking habit's. I have accepted/realised this about myself.
The battle in my head, is now over. No more thinking about drinking....when, should i? how much?...etc.
I would love to be able to stop at 1 or 2 drinks, but i've shown myself i can't. At first, it sucked, but now, i see a totally new big bright world out there for me, and i'm finally free. And you know something?...af just get's better and better! Safe travel's...........G.

[cassy]

From mod to AF-When did you throw in the towel?

Hi all
well I dont think mods will work for me either..Its day one and I cant contemplate the NEVER AGAIN although it makes sense. I hate being trapped in this web of guilt especially as I am a committed christian trying to live the gospel(and clearly failing in this area)

So today i woke (slightly hung over) and thought ok i have faith, prayer, Scripture and this site as my tools to try and get sober for 30 days..I think it will take that long to think clearly after drinking most nights!!

wish me luck.

Cassy

[kaponium]

From mod to AF-When did you throw in the towel?

AQLL VERY VERY BEAST, dear Cassie - For myself I go with the Day At A ATime approach - never forgetting the past - but remaining for the best part in the sober today. YOU CAN DO IT!!! Look forward to watching your progress mate

[cassy]

From mod to AF-When did you throw in the towel?

Thank you.

It will be hard as my hubby is a daily drinker too!!
I musnt worry about him at this stage just need to work on my own behaviours and take responsibilty. There is always a reason to put what needs doing off isnt there.

got this eveing planned..by dangerous time is 9pm onwards..so better get filling that time in a more positive way somehow,
Cassy

[kaponium]

From mod to AF-When did you throw in the towel?

Yep sure thing - stay on here! PM people too. I totally relate to you and your husband's problem. Me and mine were daily drinkers, but his behavious got him into prison, dammit! Some of us learn the REALLY hard way - but as long as you are doing it for YOU, the rewards spiral HEAPS> When Vea watched my life completely change in sobriety - I LOVE Life so much more sober - he started wanting what I have....so it worked by leading by example. Stay strong, girl - your faith a HUGE and vital (I beleive) asset x

[Arial]

From mod to AF-When did you throw in the towel?

Hi Eve11,

Guitarista basically spoke my story too, and echoes my feelings - I'm back to af having tried moderation succesfully for about 6 months, then gradually it got back to all the old habits - for me too it's the constant voice inside my head, the daily arguments/deliberations as to when I drank, could I keep it sensible, how could I hide it from the girls, etc. It just got to a point where enough was enough - if I wanted to set my girls a good example, if i want to achieve what I plan to achieve in life, if I want to stop looking at each night gone with regret and frustration, then it had to be compeltely giving up - I've finally learned that I can't moderate successfully, or if I do try again, I am risking everything I will have achieved. At this point in time, my resolve is great - I do NOT want to have life dictated by alcohol, I want to create fond memories - and actually remember them, I want to be in control of my life, I want to look back with a sense of pride and look forward with a sense of hope, I want to regain a sense of self-confidence and self-worth... the list goes on as to what I want to do, and I now know that alcohol cannot be part of that picture - it really wasn't a tough choice when it came down to it. I do make sure that I keep focussed on what I WANT to achieve and do rather than looking at the 'I cannot drink again', as I don't think my mind would accept that. However, whilst I keep my goals clear then it takes the emphasis off not drinking, and on to moving forward. Don't know if this makes sense!

Anyway, best of luck with whatever path you choose - the AF threads are great supports and full of inspiration!

Waremst wishes,

[cmhguy3]

From mod to AF-When did you throw in the towel?

It is amazing how much we all have in common and how our stories are so similar. For me at this point attempting to mod and maintain that moderation is exhausting! All the "rules" I have to put in place to keep at a mod level wear me down. In all actuality, every time I tried to mod after a long bout of AF days, the "binge" came sooner and sooner. I feel I have finally realized that all the energy and effort trying to hopelessly mod can be channeled to other efforts in my life.

[Delta Moon]

From mod to AF-When did you throw in the towel?

Great thread, Eve.
I have been a modder for 3.5 months and have had many days AF but some slip ups where I was drunk too. I don't know the answer but I do know that there is so much great help here.
WIP- I always enjoy your great insight.
Thanks, all
Blessings

[kitkatsue]

From mod to AF-When did you throw in the towel?

I decided that even the smallest amount of AL makes me do things I would think twice about doing sober. And my last binge was the worst. I want my life back and I can only do that AF!