From Drunk to Abstinence to Moderation? Why did you come back?

[cyclefan]

From Drunk to Abstinence to Moderation? Why did you come back?

upnorthgirl, I don't think MWO is about moderation alone, it is here for everyone who needs help and wants to explore help with the way he or she uses and/or abuses alcohol. Lots of the stories are the same, some are different, but we are all here for the same core reason, alcohol. The great thing about this particular website is all the different areas that people can go to depending on the level he or she is at. There are people here who cannot drink at all, some who are trying to moderate and learning that they cannot, some who can moderate and are learning ways to cope with that, etc. I haven't been here all that long but the big thing that I see is that almost everyone who comes here is learning to become functional with alcohol, whether that be abstaining or moderating, and in doing so, by posting their own experiences, teaching others to do the same. And it all happens (for the most part) with compassion and respect.

[bestlifeldms]

From Drunk to Abstinence to Moderation? Why did you come back?

Dear Kid! Thanks for your open honesty! I wish I could be like you! I would love nothing more than to use my beautiful stemware for something besides club soda with a twist of lime. I wish I could enjoy the mild and much deserved warmth, and relief that would spread through my body as my viens carried the mellow elexir to each of my cells, giving me my temporary escape from the stress of what is my life. However, it never ended that way. It ended with me slurring my words, saying hateful things to the people I loved, subjecting my body to something that was ruining my health, loosing my dignity, and not even knowing it, because I was operating in a black-out after a full pint of Vodka in 2 hrs - (not good for a older size 4 lady). I only speak for myself. This was progressive, for sure. And it was progressively going to end very, very badly. As I have said, I am stubborn, and while that character trait may have served me well in most areas of my life, in this case, it was going to result in my loosing everything that was precious to me. I had said, I can control this. I had said, I can stop when I want. But, I finally admitted, I could not control it. The only way to control it was for me, not to take that first drink. I can't, I just can't! Because there is never a first, only. There are never even just a few. I drank until I was drunk, until I couldn't remember, until I hurt others I loved, until I battered and bruised myself. I finally gave up. I realized that I was worth more than this. I was worthy of an "authentic life" where I could be the best of who I was intended to be. And, for me, the only way to do that, is to not drink alcohol. So, that is my choice, only because I have no other choice. I wish I could have both, but, it just isn't possible for me. I don't criticize mods. I say, "What ever works for each of us, individually." I welcome your topic and enjoyed your post. Regards, Best

[JAMMS]

From Drunk to Abstinence to Moderation? Why did you come back?

drunk, ab, drunk, mod

The first time I got drunk I was about 13. From then until about 18 I maybe got drunk 10 times. During the 80's my "prime time" I was more of a drug user then a drinker. Then when I was about 19 it was the first time I was "boyfriendless" in my life so I started going to bars...now,you must now that my entire family... mother, father and sister...where in the bar business....it's all I knew my whole life....anyway...I began the "bar seen"....I had no drinking problem then....I was a kid...just like I did not have a coke problem....it was just what everyone did.....I met a great AF guy, down the block frommy house in the park, I used to walk there on Sunday mornings to help my HO...and he played roller hockey every sunday...to make a long story shorter after being together for 3 months we got married and had a son...(my 17 year old) when he was born I swore of drugs and AL for ever...I was AF for 5 years..... BTW gettin off the coke was easy I just stopped....and that was it.....thank goodness...that was 17 years ago.

of course, I was not happy so I began to "go out' once a week with friends and started to drink again....once I left him and moved my son an me back in with my mother...

well...he was in kindergargten and I was out 3 nights a week, I know what your thininking but no, my mother didn't take care of my son ...I did..she wasn't going for that! I was fortunate to be able to play on my sisters guilt (she wasn't nice to me when I was young, we're fine now) and she would babysit for me.....SO.. hubby was a bouncer/bartender when I met him drinking was something we did while we were dating for 3 years before we got married although he was always the responsible one and even before we were married always commented on that fact that I drank often.

I want to MOD becasue I do enjoy a glass of wine with meals...and a ice cold beer on a hot day...I want to be able to enjoy them without "transforming".

As time went on my drinking go more and more...I guess I went from drunk to AB to drunk to mod.....and the rest as they say is history.

I have more to say but I've been bombarded with family and I have to start dinner...
-jen

[Guest]

From Drunk to Abstinence to Moderation? Why did you come back?

:devil:That's where I am at today day 12 AF, and the thought of just one glass of wine.....even on my meds, it's creeping into my mind. I am going to try not to do it, first I have no wine, and will not go to buy it. That's a definite. But that sneaky little devil is whispering in my ear. I can not, as much as I wish, wish, wish moderate. It NEVER works for me. Help!

[Kid Shelleen]

From Drunk to Abstinence to Moderation? Why did you come back?

Cost-Benefit-Analysis (CBA)

Oceana,
Write down the things you like about drinking..
Write down the things you don't like...
If the costs outweigh the benefits; you should stop for good (at least for now)
Carry the list around with you.
When you want a drink; read the bad things. Conjure up the worst case scenario of what's will happen if you drink. Replay the last bad experience you had on alcohol.
Sometimes this will get you through an urge;and as we all know..
Urges pass.
~Kid~

[AstraiaJ.]

From Drunk to Abstinence to Moderation? Why did you come back?

I have "come back" during times when I thought I was ready to moderate -- I wasn't, and I don't know if I every will be. The biggest difference between now and last June when I began is that over time I care less and less whether or not I will be able to moderate. I'm not going to take it personally if I can never successfully MOD and must always stay AF -- it's who I am (or might be, jury is still out). But for now, I know that the "one" glass will likely not be enough.
I have tried strategies for "forced moderation" -- for example, buying one or two of those little 6 oz bottles of wine when my husband gets some beer. That way, at home when I'm done I'm done and there isn't any choice. I suppose my "high bar" would be to have a whole bottle of wine in the fridge and not need to finish the whole thing, but I'm not there yet, and don't know if I ever will be.

[Guest]

From Drunk to Abstinence to Moderation? Why did you come back?

Thanks Kid, I have strong motivation, my husband of 20 years and 10 more living together is in the process of divorcing me to get the alcohol out of his life, but we still live together as a couple. Kind of is making me crazy but, I understand his motives. So I do have a strong carrot. I am thinking maybe we can get the divorce all set up and then if I do drink we can finalize it, that will give me one last chance to do this. So that is my list. Thanks for your thoughts, I needed a friend.:heart:

[Kid Shelleen]

From Drunk to Abstinence to Moderation? Why did you come back?

What about YOU...

I'm not sure how long abstaining for someone else lasts . Perhaps others have thoughts on that. Are there any benefits for YOU?
~Kid~

[bestlifeldms]

From Drunk to Abstinence to Moderation? Why did you come back?

Abstained from 1987-1992 when my kids were young. Am now at 40 weeks. I speak only for myself, but my life is always better when AF free. Same problems to handle, same disappointments and heart aches, sometimes even tragedy. But I handle them better when not using alcohol. And, the level of joy that I experience from the good things is greater ~ plus I remember everything. My intention is that this is a lifetime commitment.

[gyco]

From Drunk to Abstinence to Moderation? Why did you come back?

hi kid,feel horrible , why not take it out on us,any one ever tell you your special,i just did,its reverse psycolgy,so is drinking,numbs the soul,we or i have to get out of the past,it controls us,positive is 2009.when i feel down,as i do now, i come here to see ,someone who doesnt feel any better then me,i wish you a better day geico

[A Work in Progress]

From Drunk to Abstinence to Moderation? Why did you come back?

oceanaocean;512358 wrote: Thanks Kid, I have strong motivation, my husband of 20 years and 10 more living together is in the process of divorcing me to get the alcohol out of his life, but we still live together as a couple. Kind of is making me crazy but, I understand his motives. So I do have a strong carrot. I am thinking maybe we can get the divorce all set up and then if I do drink we can finalize it, that will give me one last chance to do this. So that is my list. Thanks for your thoughts, I needed a friend.:heart:

Ocean, I agree with Kid... I hope you will take a longer look at the cost-benefit analysis project that Kid suggested, especially concerning what alcohol may have cost you, in addition to relationship problems with your husband. If you are just quitting drinking because someone else says he doesn't like it, then the odds of long-term success in not drinking are not nearly as good, as they would be if you truly recognized that there were ways that your drinking has been hurting you (even if your husband were not around to complain). Another part of the CBA would involve listing benefits and drawbacks of NOT drinking... so, four lists, altogether. If you look at DG's excellent thread, you will see good examples of how she did it (look for Doggygirl in the "My Story") section...

[Sarasmiles]

From Drunk to Abstinence to Moderation? Why did you come back?

Well put, WIP.

To be honest, I've never made a commitment to abstain forever. I've sometimes wondered if I should; I've had periods when I felt so good being alcohol free that I thought, "why would I ever drink again?" and I've had days when I felt so lousy with a hangover that I've thought, "I'll never drink again". But I've never truly committed to it in my heart of hearts, because deep down I've never believed I had to.

I believe that I do have an internal "off" switch, but that at times it doesn't function as early as it should! What I mean is, I have long had a problem with drinking too much for me. It is not what many others might consider truly "out of control" . I don't recall ever having more than five, possibly six drinks in a day. I have gotten very sloppy on five drinks though. My worst, most shameful memory is of falling down in front of my then 8 year old. That was about two years ago, and I haven't done anything "that bad" since. It was a huge red flag to me, and I still ache with regret when I think of it.

I have had periods of abstinence...three pregnancies of abstinence. (Abstinence during pregnancy seems to be relatively easy for many people who otherwise drink too much.) I have also had periods of pretty strict moderation...Breast feeding each of my babies for a year to 16 months. So I know I can do it.

I have to disagree with whoever said that if we drink because of stress or emotional duress, we will find it hard to succeed at moderation. Well, actually, I agree that it's hard, but I also feel it's relatively straight forward to address. For me, the desire to drink to excess does not just hit out of the blue, and I am unlikely to be overtaken with a desire for more unless I am stressed or anxious. To me, this is what it's all about, and there are so many alternatives to drinking at those times! My rational mind is so fully aware that drinking will only make the feelings worse. And I am constantly working on finding other ways to deal with frustrations, depression and anxiety. I believe I have found those alternatives. As long as I implement them, I don't drink to excess.

Drinking "to excess" is subjective, though, of course. For me, four drinks is definitely excessive. Four drinks will make me say things I otherwise wouldn't. It will impair my memory, and interfere with my sleep. It will give me a bit of a hangover, and I will feel a little depressed the next day. It's beyond my limit. To others, four drinks may be considered moderate.

I do agree with whoever said (sorry, I'm afraid of losing my post if I scroll back, and of course, my memory is impaired :H) that we drink for the buzz. I think that even if there were a non-alcoholic wine that tasted just like the real thing, (and there isn't, as far as I know), I would want the real thing. I like a slight buzz. I don't like getting drunk. But I'm not so sure that a slight (and I mean slight ) buzz once in a while is such a bad thing.

So, I guess the reasons I am committed to moderation and not abstinence are:

1. I believe in my "off switch". But I know I have to keep it in good working order.
2. I have developed a lot of powerful new ways to cope with my emotions.
3. I love the taste of wine, and the way a glass or two adds to the ambience of a nice meal or a cuddle by the fire with my husband.
4. I have found that when I have considered abstinence as a goal, I was far more pre-occupied with drinking than I have been since I decided to commit to moderation.

We are all different of course. I have known and loved people for whom committing to abstinence seemed to be the only way, and I have seen them blossom and flourish because of making that commitment. We are all looking to blossom and flourish, so whatever our approach, I'm glad we have each other.

[bestlifeldms]

From Drunk to Abstinence to Moderation? Why did you come back?

I want to first say that I do not advocate abstinence over moderation. AF is my choice, as pertains to my situation, only. I do have a thought on the above post by A Work In Progress. (Not disagreeing, just a twist - my point of view) Speaking from my own experience, quitting, as a result of someone else wanting us to be AF, was a huge contributor in my decision to finally "throw in the towel". I don't see it as doing it for someone else. Instead, I looked at what the "potential consequences" of what continuing to drink was going to cost me. What am I loosing in my life, that I value, because I refuse to quit drinking? My spouse & my life, as I know it ~ which was an inevitability, in my case. So, when I quit, it was not just because someone else wanted me to. It was because I was looking at the true consequences that would come to pass if I continued.

The cost / results / consequences are real "attention getters" for most of us. What was the final straw, when did we hit bottom? Some bottoms are deeper than others (living under a bridge, etc.) This is a topic discussed here, alot. It is different for everyone. What is the consequence / cost of drinking too much? DUI - lost license. Boyfriend, girlfriend, job, money, reputation, health, family, home, etc. All potential losses. What are acceptable losses due to drinking? Any? My husband drew a healthy boundary of what was no longer acceptable to him. And good for him! He got my attention, for sure! But, ultimately I did it because I was unwilling to give up anything further, in my life, because of alcohol. I did it for me, for self preservation.

[A Work in Progress]

From Drunk to Abstinence to Moderation? Why did you come back?

Best, I think that's an important "twist" and I agree with you... having a line drawn in the sand by a spouse or partner IS an important (and sometimes the crucial) negative "consequence" of drinking, the one that can tip the balance for many people, and in a good direction. "Final straws" can be life-savers!

The thing is, the way we think about these things is important for long-term recovery... some folks unfortunately stay stuck with a mental image of drinking having been a wonderful thing that they must give up just because of someone else's unreasonable demands (people who are court-ordered into recovery programs are often like that). So... when I hear someone saying that the only reason she is going to stop drinking is because someone told her she had to... I always want to encourage the person to look deeper at the actual reasons that the drinking had become such an issue...

And I am totally with you on what you said... the best and most effective reason of all to quit drinking is for "self-preservation." When I came to truly believe that it was killing me (emotionally, spiritually, and physically), then the choice became very simple. Not always easy, but simple.

Ocean, I hope you're still with us, listening, and thinking, and that you'll tell us how all this sounds to you!

[bestlifeldms]

From Drunk to Abstinence to Moderation? Why did you come back?

It's so nice to be able to voice different points of view or interpretations of the same thing, peacefully! AWIP, you have my total admiration and respect...