Anxiety regarding divorce HELP!

[Guest]

Hi all, my husband is in the process of divorcing me, but the still loves me, it's the alcohol he wants out of his life. I have been trying to stop now for four years. I am so very frightened as I have lived with him for 11 years prior to our marriage of 20 years. He has had through those years many medical problems. When I first met him he was hard of hearing from an inherited hearing loss then he became deaf for 15 years. We studied sign language and that was our means of communicating for those 15 years. Then with my diligent research he was able to have a cochlear implant which was amazingly immediately successful. All during these years of deafness, I lived his life, interpreting for him, in day to day life and business affairs. Now that he can hear again it has changed our relationship, and I am no longer needed. We do still live together and sleep together.

When he had such success at hearing I immediately started to work on my drinking problem.

I was socially isolated in many ways because of his deafness as there were many things we were unable to do, movies, events etc.

So I started therapy and tried to limit my drinking, always unsuccessfully. I started exercising and this helped me to change my friends. I learned how to surf (a life long dream). I have made good advances in my bad habit but he can not see any of the success I have had. He went to Alaon and what he can back with was that he is "the Victim."

Now I am being displaced. I will lose my home as it is a home he built and because of the value, I am unable to legally fight him for it.
I am very upset right now as I just received from the lawyer his statement for the mediator, and although he feels he is being fair, I will still lose so much of all I have worked for in my life.
This includes my family of three step sons, all grown up now, but they have been and important part of my life, and I never had children myself.

I am very stressed out now and I wish could just "use my medicine of choice", but I am on Naltrexone and Baclofen and that is helping me with my cravings, this is day 14 AF.
I am trying to relax and breath but I feel so alone and afraid of the future. I have been a competent housewife and he is the business man.
Any words from you would be so helpful, I am on the verge of tears. Thank you.

[A Work in Progress]

Anxiety regarding divorce HELP!

OO, this is very difficult stuff... my best hope for you would be that you take it slow, try your best not to allow yourself to project all kinds of disasters in the future. Stick with today, every day, what can you do THIS day to get more solid and consistent in your coping mechanisms, your capacity to refuse to give in to desires to drink. That is the ONLY method that will give you any kind of happy outcome, regardless of what your husband decides to do... Even if it feels very awkward, behave like the person you want to become. Keep doing that, and doing that, and doing that... when you forget, just remind yourself, and do it some more...

[cyclefan]

Anxiety regarding divorce HELP!

Hi ocean I can hold you in my thoughts, because I don't have any great advice. Be the strongest woman you can be. xo beth

[kriger]

Anxiety regarding divorce HELP!

Ocean,
I can hear your pain in your post! As Wip says, it is a difficult situation any which-way you look at it. It is always sad when a very long relationship and marriage fails IMO. I love what WIP said about "behaving like the person you want to become". That will be something that sticks in my mind for a very long time. Being and staying sober is the best way to go thru this kind of thing and that may be the hardest thing you ever do, but you will be able to handle what comes up in a clear and "present" way. We are all here for you to lean on any time of the day or night...use this site and all of us here. Kriger

[Guest]

Anxiety regarding divorce HELP!

Wip, thank you, I am trying to not "project" but it is difficult. I am able to do it though a little bit. I just say to myself, wait and see what happens at the mediation appointment. Don't feel threatened. I am trying really. This is so difficult. I really appreciate you being there, it's a difficult thing to discuss with my friends as I do not want to start the gossip. I just need to wait and see but I am filled with trepidation.

[rudemama]

Anxiety regarding divorce HELP!

oceana i would find a friend to talk to it will help bravo for 14 days af change whatever it is is hard i am in the middle of a separation never married 20 years though and 2 kids i am thinking of you rudemama

[sunshine_gg]

Anxiety regarding divorce HELP!

:l OO

Going through separation/divorce is such a difficult thing but please listen to WIP. Honestly, most of our projections are far worse than reality. You're in my thoughts... wishing you strength and peace.

[Guest]

Anxiety regarding divorce HELP!

Kriger, rudemama, and sunshine, Really, thank you for reading. I have never experienced such drama or trauma in my life. WIp is correct. There was an American president, not remember who, but he said "The things we worry about the most, never come to pass"
I have found that to be true in many things in my life and I hope that this is one of them.

I did ask my husband if we could get the divorce all set up and then not sign any papers(unless I drink), the lawyer says that's a possibility, my husband did kind of go along with that but he is confused himself about all this.

The other thing I need to remember is, in my life things have always been good, I was born under a lucky star, let's hope it still is out there shinning down on me.:heart::heart::heart:

[Guest]

Anxiety regarding divorce HELP!

:heart:Beth too!

[time2change]

Anxiety regarding divorce HELP!

I am also going through a divorce after over 20 years and no matter what the circumstances it is never easy. I will say that the best thing you can do for yourself is to remain alcohol free. Not only will you be able to think with a clear head, but you will be better equipped to deal with your future.....whatever it maybe. I am thinking of you as I know that emotional roller coaster you are feeling. Be strong and remember that there are people here that can understand what you are going through.

[Accountable for Me]

Anxiety regarding divorce HELP!

I don't know about marriage laws where you are, but aren't you entitled to half??? I don't think it would be much of a legal expense if you are entitled.

Talk about a slap in the face. Holy cow. You backed him through a disability for a LONG time only to have the dynamics of your marriage change for the worse now that he can hear.

I am so sorry. I can't imagine how you must feel. My only advice is to check into the legalities of a divorce and keep on that road of sobriety. Good job during this difficult time. Hugs.

[Lila]

Anxiety regarding divorce HELP!

Yes, I have been thinking about you also. Everything AFM says I second, strongly. Know your rights. I am still dealing with divorce issues. What a stress. You sound like a very good person as well. PM me if you need anything.
Lila

[Guest]

Anxiety regarding divorce HELP!

Yes I am in California, but we own different properties and some of them are really special to us, it's going to be very difficult to determine how to split things up and heartbreaking after we worked so hard for it all.

I go to my first mediation on Monday MY BIRTHDAY, I was going to change the date but then I thought it might be a interesting day for a life change of ideas. So I did not change it, now I hope I did the right thing, maybe should have gone surfing!

Oh dear.....well I will see where the cards are to fall and hopefully my husband will get cold feet or a good reality check. This is very possible, but guess what? I may just be happier without him if we were to split, I have been wrestling with this for a long, long time.
Hope your life is less complex then this.

[Boss.man]

Anxiety regarding divorce HELP!

I'm not a woman, and have never divorced.

But your profile shows you are in California, which is a Community Property state. By rights of Marriage you are entitled to half of your joint estate the day after you get married, and half of your joint estate 30 years later. Period.

I would suggest two things: 1) Be sure you get a good lawyer. It sounds like you are getting rolled, and you live in a state where that doesn't need to happen. 2) Stop a minute and write a short and small note, that you feel the divorce is due to your spouses "independence". Maybe it will shake a few memories. Don't try to get back. Just remind.

My spouse is profoundly hearing impaired from a childhood incident. My spouse can lipread, and while we both know sign we rarely use it for each other. The habits you grow, about never speaking while your spouse is turned, and being unable to communicate in the dark, are something we share.

With hearing aids (ones that cost about as much as a small car) my spouse can hear at about 30% which is enough to work normally in an office. I get frustrated when people in the store think they are being ignored, when the can't see the obvious earful of electronics that allows my spouse to respond to noises. My spouse doesn't share my anger, as it is a lifetime equation that was never a choice.

I wish you luck. Please don't cry. That which doesn't kill you will make you stronger. It is my sincere hope you can find a way to become better also.

[Waiting for his way out]

Anxiety regarding divorce HELP!

Ocean, this too shall pass. Things are never as bad as they seem, they are only that way while we are going through them. You have thoughts about being feeling better without him, explore those. Make a decision for yourself. The monetary issues are very hard to deal with and the loss of possessions are also, but in the end when the dust settles, you will be okay.