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**nowandzen11** · January 11, 2009, 04:25 PM

Army Thread 11th January

Good afternoon all. Probably late evening for most.

How about that moon? I read it was the biggest and brightest moon of 2009. I talked about it on my radio show yesterday.

Going to sleep for a while. I fucked up again. I don't know how to feel but angry is not one of the feelings. I think more of disgust with myself. I've lost my self respect.

I know I can do this. I think I can do this. I know I can do this but where is my willpower?

Sorry. I know everyone is talking about positive good stuff. Don't want to be a bummer. I should have jumped on here last nite before I poured that drink.

I could just curl up in a ball and disappear. I'm tired of repeating the same patterns so when I start over, I feel like I am kidding myself. I feel like a liar. An imposter. Does that make sense? I am not a liar.

**Guest** · January 11, 2009, 04:26 PM

Army Thread 11th January

one2many;517146 wrote: Jesus, I dont do anything like that, I wanna be in the gang.

Its a curse Oney, it used to take me a full hour to leave, drove Gor nuts,, I still get it but nothing as bad. I have the locking door thing as well and Gor goes mental, Id say..did u lock the door when were driving away , hed say no , i pulled it off and fucked it in the garden.!!I wouldnt ever iron in the morning, ever...in case the iron set the house on fire...I used to wash the hands as well obsessivly, I would sterilise my tomatoes.....will I go on!!lmao!

**Guest** · January 11, 2009, 04:27 PM

Army Thread 11th January

byeeeee....from the nut house!

**startingover** · January 11, 2009, 04:28 PM

Army Thread 11th January

Hi NZ,
I used to feel like that too, wondering why I just kept doing the same old thing even though I knew it was hurting me...I never answered it but the time came when i just said "no more" and just got on with it from there. No its not always easy but then nothing really worthwhile is.
Hang in there and give it another go...

**startingover** · January 11, 2009, 04:30 PM

Army Thread 11th January

I have driven home 3 times to check the sodding door....aaaaarrrrggghhh

**LookingToGrow** · January 11, 2009, 04:31 PM

Army Thread 11th January

Hi NZ!
I saw the shots of the moon. Beautiful!
No, you are not a liar. Perhaps look at the patterns to determine what you can change and what you can work around. I know you are dealing with alot right now. Take it one day at a time.

**cymru** · January 11, 2009, 04:34 PM

Army Thread 11th January

Hey nz, i know how it feels to fuck up, and i know how it feels after when your body and feelings are all over the place. I have done so numerous times since being here. Its good to come on and post about it. Its why were here. I often dissapear for a few days, either drinking or hating myself. we have to learn from it and move on to a new day witha new start. Tmr morning can be different and this time next week can seem a world away.

**LookingToGrow** · January 11, 2009, 04:38 PM

Army Thread 11th January

You're right Chef KP, next week will seem like a world away - a far better world at that :h

**nowandzen11** · January 11, 2009, 04:46 PM

Army Thread 11th January

Thanks all of you. It truly means so much to me that you dont judge me. I feel so embarrassed. Why can't I get my shit together?

cy, your post hit home big time. Thanks.

I will try again. Right now I am laying in bed as a human sandwich.............I have a cat on each side of me PLASTERED to me. It feels so good to be loved by them too.

Unconditional love- that's what it's all about.

Love you
nz
:h

**Bandit** · January 11, 2009, 04:46 PM

Army Thread 11th January

Hi guys,
Well I am sorry to say that I have fecked up too and drank this weekend.
It's been a real struggle for me lately, especially since just after New Years Day. I got through Christmas & New Year's Eve I think because it was just a few days to get through and I had the flu. But when normal routines and that groundhog day feeling kicked back in I started to think about trying to moderate and maybe having a drink at the weekend. Just had two drinks on Friday and thought, see I didn't go mad, but then really blew it last night and stayed up with friends drinking till 3am. Needless to say I feel like shit today.
Back to day one for me.
xx

**vlad** · January 11, 2009, 04:46 PM

Army Thread 11th January

limers;517133 wrote: its like ocd , I had it for yrs when I was drinking heavily and I would check plugs were out again and again and again, 12345,12345,12345, I would count 5 times when I was checking,the longer I was out of the house , the more intence the anxiety was. I wouldnt have a fuckin clue if the plugs were in r out by the end of it all cos my head was fucked..my point is by been obsessive, there was a much higher chance of my big fear(the house going on fire) been realised cos I really didnt know if the plugs were in or out at the end of it all

I had that problem, had to check all plugs etc, got to the point where I was counting and checking each plug 12 times!!!

**startingover** · January 11, 2009, 04:50 PM

Army Thread 11th January

Aww Bandy,, I am sorry hun...
Moderating doesnt work for me either sadly...
I am sure you'll feel better tomorrow x

**startingover** · January 11, 2009, 04:54 PM

Army Thread 11th January

I am off now, feeling sleepy...
Sweet dreams everyone, see you tomorrow.
x

**vlad** · January 11, 2009, 04:55 PM

Army Thread 11th January

Nite Starts!

**LookingToGrow** · January 11, 2009, 04:55 PM

Army Thread 11th January

Bandit, back up and at it! We are here for you! :h

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