I was hoping that once the new year started, my business would pick up. It has not happened. Instead, it has been horribly, horrible quiet. I keep getting a rising feeling of panic.
The doctor gave me some Zanor, the the slow release kind. I do not want to take them. I want my head to be clear and I want to be able sit with the emotion, as frigtening as it is.
I keep thinking of the quality of purpose. I pray that there is indeed a purpose. I am holding on, blindly, desparately, that there is meaning too, in this.
I am thinkiing of the many people who feel choked by cold, icy fear, because they are about to be retrenched.
When I was young, I was told that God took all suffering offered up in love, and placed it into a capital of grace. That capital, made it possible for prayer to grow and feed the world.
So here I am, feeling as helpless as a little child, making my very small deposit into a big capital of grace.
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