Step Parents

[TeeHayDal]

Hello all... I just wanted to post that I know one of my triggers is my step-son. I love him dearly... I have been with his since he was 6.. He is now 20. Once he turned 16 and got a girlfriend... I haven't been able to have a decent relationship with him. He has since lost the girlfriend, which was a blessing and he realizes this also. He is a great boy. He is going to school to become a firefighter.. (while living with us and not having any responsibilities "AT ALL".,...... ) He has lived with us since he started 9th grade... He talks to me like I'm trash sometimes and it pisses me off so bad... He is disrespectful of what we do for him. He doesn't appreciate us at all... And then there are good days... He can be so sweet.. But that only last a couple of minutes.... I'm sorry.. I had to vent... But this is one of my triggers..... I want a glass of wine so bad right now... I want to cry... I have talked to his dad but dad just wants to keep peace.... For who???? Not me.... Does anybody feel my pain???? It makes me angry that he treats me this way and I don't deserve it... I know it is hard being a parent.. but my opinion is... it is harder to be a step parent sometimes.... Very hard... Thanks for listening....

Tee as in (teed off) :upset:

[Prest4time]

Step Parents

TeeHayDal,

I understand! But from the other side. I remarried when my two children were 8 and 5. My husband (who did not have any children or ever married before) had some huge adjustments to make..... bought one, got two free! Humor aside, I think you are right. I think sometimes it can be harder to be a stepparent. I did a lot of things wrong, so did my husband, but we had some rocky years trying to work through issues with my son. He was a great kid... still is, turning 22 next week. But those teen years were very trying for my husband. Mainly because he felt my son was lazy... did not appreciate what he did for him... the fact that he had basically saved him from a life that would have been awful most likely.

Maybe I can help you from a different angle. As a biological parent who has put our children through a divorce, we carry a tremendous amount of guilt whether that is spoken or not. I think all biological parents try to "make up" for what they feel they robbed from their children. You can be the greatest step parent in the world, and we still feel a sense needing to "make up" for the past. In hindsight, I over-protected my children in my second marriage because at the slightest hint of strife or discord between them and my new husband, I jumped in the middle like a mother bear protecting her cubs from the enemy. I never fully allowed him to be their father. Out of guilt, I always tried to keep the peace. If my husband tried to be strict with them, I did not support him the way I should have when he was right much of the time. I just told him to leave them alone and let me handle it. This caused him much frustration and we went through some seriously rocky years because of it. We even joined a step-family support group to find out if it was just us, or if others were experiencing the same. We found every single step family in there had the exact same issues. Sometimes the Mom (as in your case), but usually it was the Dad's that felt like and outsider, and helpless to bring about any change. The biological parent is often viewed as the peacemaker who will not put their foot down with their children.

I highly recommend a book to you that REALLY helped turn things around for us. It is called "The Smart Stepfamily" by Ron Deal. In his book, he states that the biological parent should always be the primary disciplinarian and he has many proven reasons to support this. Unfortunately, it is very difficult for the step parent. This is the very reason that most blended family marriages fall apart.

To encourage you, it sounds like his time there will not be too much longer and you have lived through the worst, so just hang on a little bit longer. Surely he will not live with you forever! My son has lived with us this past year off and on and we did not charge him rent (maybe a mistake), but it afforded him the opportunity to save up money so that he could move on to what he really wanted to do. He just took a job in Utah and left yesterday, and he would not have been able to take this job or leave had we not helped him out and let him live with us.

Stay away from the wine... it will just make you all that much more emotional about it! I know.

[CS04]

Step Parents

Hi THD,
I am also a stepmom. My stepson is 17 and a senior in HS; he will be 18 in March. (I also have a 2 1/2 year old son.) I understand how difficult it is to be a stepparent, and I believe there are stages we go thru with our stepchildren and our spouses, as the time we are a family is lengthened. I will post more later (in the middle of cleaning up dinner and getting baby to bed) but just wanted you to know I GET it. I'll be back later this evening.

[universal]

Step Parents

my BF is about to become a stepparent as we are buying a house together. He has no children but is about to inherit mine! This thread is interesting to me as I know he is stricter than I am and I know that moving forward we will have rocky roads as he trys to step in to discipline.......I know there will be times that I will think he is being too strict and I will be like "whoa.......let me deal with this one......."

I think this a good thread and I look forward to the advice on it.......

[TeeHayDal]

Step Parents

Thank you Prest and CS.... thank you very much for insight from both aspects.... I am feeling a little better.. Did get affirmation from hubby that I'm not going crzy.. He did talk to son tonight and son admitted that he might be taking things for granted....

Just a moment of weakness tonight... But I do appreciate everything you have both said.... This too shall pass.

Tee

[Karl1981]

Step Parents

hi there, im on the other side, im a step son. its weird how some kids like there step parents some dont. my step dad, is more of a dad to me then my 'real' on. hes everything to me. im 27 and i have moved back into his house. i have my own flat downstairs. and he and my mum arnt even amrried anymore.

on the other hand i cant stand my step mum, both of them the first one i wouldnt even speak to as she was a control freak. now this new one, something suss with her.. dont like her at all..

weird. some get along some dont..

[Karl1981]

Step Parents

i personally dont think its right for your step parents not being alowed to punish you when your bad. if you dont they will loose total respect for you as an adult.

[keeta]

Step Parents

Tee,
I totally get it.
You are NOT alone.
Feel free to PM me if you ever need to vent, need shoulder, or just chat with someone in a very similar situation. Me.

Big big hugs to you.

[TeeHayDal]

Step Parents

Very interesting views.Thank you all again.

[Evie.Lou]

Step Parents

I have found no way to get along with my step kids...they would ruin our marriage if they could. They have tried every trick in the book to CONQUER AND DIVIDE US. I really hoped that once they were passed those (know it all) teen years, things would get better...it hasn't.
Hubby has chosen to leave them out of our lives...I am glad it was his choice, even though i am sure they blame me..
You and your sobriety have to come first...nothing is so bad that a drink won't make it worse.

[hart]

Step Parents

I have been a step-parent twice. The first ex-wife and I strangely enuf became friends. We did things together. My ex was a jerk about his children so she enlisted me to make Patrick see reason. I grew very close to the daughter (who is only 12 years younger) and his son and I got along but we never grew to love each other, but he was always respectful. They did not live with us, though.

I now am married to a man that I have known his son, Evan since he was 7. I luv him and he luvs me. He does not live w/us but we see him a lot. Joe and I suspect he may end up living w/us as the tension between him and his mom (whose the almost EXACT opposite of me, funnily enuf) is getting bad. And she lives w/a man that they have major arguments a lot.....

I too think Joe is too easy on Evan. I told him if Evan does live with us he would have to have some chores, when he comes to visit us its like he's a guest. I too think it's due to the guilt Joe feels about the divorce, although it was his ex's idea.

I've been very lucky as a stepmother. I also have a stepmother who I resented the hell out of at first, dad kept comparing my mom unfavorably with her at every turn....not a tactic to make a child luv them....

Sorry didn't mean to :hijacked: this post. Obviously I have a lot of opinions about this subject.

[bestlifeldms]

Step Parents

Dear Tee,

I remarried when my 3 boys were 8 and twins 5. My hub had full custody of his son, then 11 and daughter 14. We finished raising them all together. The Brady Bunch we were NOT! When my step son acted in ways similar to what you describe, I thought initially, that it was because he was my "step" son. After my own boys reached the pre-teen and teen years, I quickly realized that my step son's behavior was ~ the "right of passage" ~ however- extremely intollerable. Sadly, kids of divorce, have additional leverage, or so they think. "I'm gonna go live with my Dad!" To combat this behavior, we had a rule that if they REALLY wanted to live with their other biological parent, which were both in other states, they had to be relocated and settled prior to the beginning of the school year, and no matter how things went there, short of abuse or neglect, they had to stay until the school term ended. This helped alot. As they got older, they wanted to leave less and less. Not because they were crazy about us as parents, but their friends were all there. There are family dynamics that muddy the waters, in nearly every blended family. Biological parents are defensive of their own children, and can be accused of picking on the step kids. Step parent and bio parent collide because one or the other feels there is no support. Only you can create healthy boundaires of what is acceptable treatment of you. You need to clearly communicate this, first to your spouse, and then once the two of you have an "agreement" by which you both can abide, then to your stepson. And he needs to see you as a unit, undivided. This is the greatest gift you can give him. No matter what anyone says or does, the bond and relationship between parents and their biological children differs from the relationship between step parents and step children. Not comparing the two is extremely important. See this relationship for exactly what it is, rather than expecting it to be and feel like a biological relationship. My relationship with my step son exists because his dad and I choose each other. I agreed to help raise him. I was not his mother and did not want to take her place. Rather, I was another responsible adult in the household who offered an opportunity to him to grow up in a better atmosphere, than when my husband was raising them alone, plus, I brought 3 playmates. These 4 boys have developed into great buddys, they are brothers. Some years from now, after the hard stuff, you will look retrospectively at this adult that you have helped raise and see how you feel. It does get better, trust me. Hugs, Best

[keeta]

Step Parents

best,
I know you were posting to Tee, but I want to say it touched me as well. Thank you for sharing a glimpse into this part of your life :l

[Evie.Lou]

Step Parents

Wise words..as usual Dear BEST !!!