a majorly big thank you to all of you who posted on my little poem which I wrote after downing a bottle of wine. Thank you especially Gia, I know I am awkward at times, and really quite anti-social, particularly when the wine hits my brain, so your post was very nice to read in the light of day. The reason I have not posted or been on the website is because this computer is my sons and he is obsessed that this website has a virus (which it does not) but our internet connection went funny a few times before Christmas and he decided it was my fault!!! So to use this computer when he is around is near impossible. I have not been drinking and have been taking citralopram for anxiety, which has helped and seemed to cut any cravings or thoughts I may have to drink. I have been going to the gym, eating sensibly, cleaning my home, attending my counselling, art and stress management classes. All in all this website has helped me, I took on board all the wisdom, encouragement, kept it in my heart and mind and walked very slowly amid the noise and haste of the london life. I think rat race is the best way to describe it. Too fast for its own good. Oh apart from when it snows and everything just shuts down!!! HA HA.
I drank yesterday as it was the only way to relax. Had another run in with my 17 nearly 18 year old and his deranged father and I just wanted a way out. It was a bad 'run in' with violence and knives, not from me, I was cool, kept a clear head and mind, did not shout, but decided enough was enough. Did it help? Actually it did. I do not want to return to the bloated, fat person drinking was making me be. But yesterday it filled that void. I have money worries, a massive bill and no funds to pay it. Am I bothered? Well, it has been worrying me and I thought I had found a way out as I was going to loan the money and that just went tits up. So I am reassessing my situation. No reason to drink and if I was to continue it would make things very much worse, so it is not an option for me.
Now I have made a major life changing decision and I have been sober to make it. I am walking away from my kids. Now to all those who may judge me. I have sacrificed so much for them. I have loved them unconditionally, been there for them. OK I have drank sporadically in the past ten years and I know that has had a deeply disturbing affect on them, but sometimes we do things we do not want to do, but we just do it. Materialistically my kids have never gone without. I know materialistic means nothing in the grand scale of things but I have loved, nursed, honoured and been committed to them, I am more spiritual than materialistic, but we live in a material world. So when I am faced with violence and threats and people pull knives on me and then I get the blame. I say 'sorry mate - game over'. It takes one slip, one false move and you can be stabbed. Adults play games with kids and I can honestly say I have never done that. I have tried to protect them. Went into a women's refuge to escape their dad and then have a mirror image of him in my sons behaviour. I am no bodies punch bag and certainly no victim.
Do you know that this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. You see I truly love my sons. I could have left them and ran away but I struggled to make ends meet and tried my best. I did not subject them to numerous father figures. I led a celibate life, a few blips, but not ones they would notice. More to do with my own lack of self worth. Well, my worth is such that I am now recognizing all that I am. Just cos we drank or do drink, does not make us lesser humans. We are all beautiful and we are very sensitive souls. It is a crutch we used that made our lives so much worse. Am I going to be drunk?? Nope. I am going to be sober, so one day when they wake up and smell the coffee and they return to me, which they will, I will be in a better place and successful.
SO SINCERELY I MEAN THIS - THANK YOU. YESTERDAY WAS NOT A BAD DAY, IT WAS A DAY IN MY LIFE WHICH MADE ME STOP, LOOK, LISTEN AND LEARN. I LOVED ALL YOUR WORDS. I RESPECT YOU ALL. MUCH LOVE AND LOTS OF LIGHT...
AND I ABSOLUTELY, UTTERLY LOVE THE SNOW. I SHOULD LIVE IN THE ANTARTICA. IT JUST BOWLS ME OVER......
Now an aside, but I want to let you know just how clever animals are. I have two beloved dogs and they are house trained to a tee. But today one of them walked into my sons old bedroom and wee wee'd all over his cream carpet. Now I know that is disgusting and I was not overly impressed particularly as I had to clean it. But it showed me that they did not respect what he did. ~They have no way of showing it, but boy they just have. My son prides his cream carpet, he is very clean. So it made me think. Don't you just love animals.....?
I drank yesterday as it was the only way to relax. Had another run in with my 17 nearly 18 year old and his deranged father and I just wanted a way out. It was a bad 'run in' with violence and knives, not from me, I was cool, kept a clear head and mind, did not shout, but decided enough was enough. Did it help? Actually it did. I do not want to return to the bloated, fat person drinking was making me be. But yesterday it filled that void. I have money worries, a massive bill and no funds to pay it. Am I bothered? Well, it has been worrying me and I thought I had found a way out as I was going to loan the money and that just went tits up. So I am reassessing my situation. No reason to drink and if I was to continue it would make things very much worse, so it is not an option for me.
Now I have made a major life changing decision and I have been sober to make it. I am walking away from my kids. Now to all those who may judge me. I have sacrificed so much for them. I have loved them unconditionally, been there for them. OK I have drank sporadically in the past ten years and I know that has had a deeply disturbing affect on them, but sometimes we do things we do not want to do, but we just do it. Materialistically my kids have never gone without. I know materialistic means nothing in the grand scale of things but I have loved, nursed, honoured and been committed to them, I am more spiritual than materialistic, but we live in a material world. So when I am faced with violence and threats and people pull knives on me and then I get the blame. I say 'sorry mate - game over'. It takes one slip, one false move and you can be stabbed. Adults play games with kids and I can honestly say I have never done that. I have tried to protect them. Went into a women's refuge to escape their dad and then have a mirror image of him in my sons behaviour. I am no bodies punch bag and certainly no victim.
Do you know that this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. You see I truly love my sons. I could have left them and ran away but I struggled to make ends meet and tried my best. I did not subject them to numerous father figures. I led a celibate life, a few blips, but not ones they would notice. More to do with my own lack of self worth. Well, my worth is such that I am now recognizing all that I am. Just cos we drank or do drink, does not make us lesser humans. We are all beautiful and we are very sensitive souls. It is a crutch we used that made our lives so much worse. Am I going to be drunk?? Nope. I am going to be sober, so one day when they wake up and smell the coffee and they return to me, which they will, I will be in a better place and successful.
SO SINCERELY I MEAN THIS - THANK YOU. YESTERDAY WAS NOT A BAD DAY, IT WAS A DAY IN MY LIFE WHICH MADE ME STOP, LOOK, LISTEN AND LEARN. I LOVED ALL YOUR WORDS. I RESPECT YOU ALL. MUCH LOVE AND LOTS OF LIGHT...
AND I ABSOLUTELY, UTTERLY LOVE THE SNOW. I SHOULD LIVE IN THE ANTARTICA. IT JUST BOWLS ME OVER......
Now an aside, but I want to let you know just how clever animals are. I have two beloved dogs and they are house trained to a tee. But today one of them walked into my sons old bedroom and wee wee'd all over his cream carpet. Now I know that is disgusting and I was not overly impressed particularly as I had to clean it. But it showed me that they did not respect what he did. ~They have no way of showing it, but boy they just have. My son prides his cream carpet, he is very clean. So it made me think. Don't you just love animals.....?
How horrible about those children. Prayers for them. A gift for you dear Maddy
Comment