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Where does denial live?

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    #1

    Where does denial live?

    Is it in your head or your heart? The more days I?ve accumulated AF, the more the thought pops up in my mind, that I have maybe been in deep denial, but didn?t know it! Because, you know, denial is something OTHER people do. Not me. I consider myself to be completely aware of myself and my actions!

    Of course I wouldn?t know it if I was in denial; that?s what denial is! But the more clarity I achieve the more I see that my drinking really was much worse than I acknowledged to myself. When I let that thought in, and when I start recalling some of the things I did while drinking, I get a sick feeling in my stomach. I want to stuff it back and not think about it. But, I know I must. Is it my heart that has not wanted to face this so my mind rationalized? Or is it my mind that rationalized so that I could keep feeding it alochol? Or is it intertwined?
    Dill

    Dont forget, you can: start late, start over, be unsure, try and fail AND STILL SUCCEED!

    If it is important to you, you will find a way. If not, you will find an excuse.
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    #2
    Where does denial live?

    I think denial is the first hurdle I had to overcome when I first sought help with my own drinking problem. It soon turned into acceptance OR SO I THOUGHT!!. I don't think I've ever been in denial that I have a drinking problem I've just never wanted to accept the fact that I do. I always tend to reminisce about the good times I've had sitting out in a field or down the beach with friends on long hot summer nights drinking round a fire and smoking weed and taking shrooms and acid. My biggest problem is letting go of that lifestyle and moving forward with a sober head to make some new memories for me to reminisce about in future years to come. so for me it's more about acceptance than denial. Nice post though dill and something to think about anyway!

    Love and Happiness
    Hippie
    xx
    "Keep me away from the wisdom which does not cry, the philosophy which does not laugh and the greatness which does not bow before children." Kahlil Gibran
    Clean and sober 25th January 2009

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      #3
      Where does denial live?

      When I had written down the things that I have done when drunk, the mistakes I made, the deluded perceptions I had, the totally stupid things I did..it was there on paper......it was the truth.There was no denying it. It was there in balck and white.

      I've actually just gone through this process myself oney!! I think taking the time to write things down shows some kind of 'commitment'. It's been a good exercise for me to be honest because it's easy for me to ignore the bad times and what alcohol has done to me over the years. As you say if it's there in black and white for me to go back to when I'm feeling weary and read I know it'll help in some small way for me to remember the bad times as well.

      I used to think why bother writing things down when it's already up here in my head anyway. But for me it NEEDS to be in black and white these days so I DON'T forget how bad things have really been at times. I'm actually gonna start a blog online and transfer (yes re-type all that I have written!) my "What alcohol has taken from me" list. Watch this space!
      "Keep me away from the wisdom which does not cry, the philosophy which does not laugh and the greatness which does not bow before children." Kahlil Gibran
      Clean and sober 25th January 2009

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        #4
        Where does denial live?

        Hippie, Part of my denial, where ever it comes from, is not letting me go there yet. I mean the writing. Well, thing is, I HAVE written some of it. But I keep it for a few days, then burn it! I live in fear someone in my family will find and read and I'm not ready for that. I'm also just having these feelings about the memories. I used to remember some things and think, yeah. I did that, so what. Now, I get this horrible pit of the stomach feeling. So, I must have been in denial before and am starting to get beyond it. Like you, Oney, I'm taking a long time admitting this. Well, maybe accepting it. Thanks for your responses!
        Dill

        Dont forget, you can: start late, start over, be unsure, try and fail AND STILL SUCCEED!

        If it is important to you, you will find a way. If not, you will find an excuse.

        Comment

          #5
          Where does denial live?

          Dill, why not try emailing yourself with those notes? You can use headings like - Remember this... etc, which are ambiguous if anyone sees your the list of emails in your inbox.

          Comment

            #6
            Where does denial live?

            Bon, That may be a good option. I'd have to have an email account that my husband doesn't share, but that would be easy with hotmail or something. My husband knows I am quitting and is very supportive. But I wouldn't want to share all the nitty-gritty with him at this point.
            Dill

            Dont forget, you can: start late, start over, be unsure, try and fail AND STILL SUCCEED!

            If it is important to you, you will find a way. If not, you will find an excuse.

            Comment

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