I have to quit drinking (thoughts on Antabuse)

[lilnev]

Hey all,

I haven't been around much lately. But I'm seeing my doctor on Friday, and thinking of asking for Antabuse. And thoughts are going 'round -- I just want to type and see what comes out.

Back story: I've been trying to quit for a year and a half or so. More time off the wagon than on. For about the past six months, I've (sometimes, when on the wagon) been going to AA meetings as well. I think they're a good thing, for me. Full of people who've quit and stayed quit and are much happier with their lives because of it. And accepting and welcoming. I've got serious social anxiety issues, and I just don't "fit in" in most social situations.... Anyway.

Most recently, I've been sober for two days, after a rather bad month.

"The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking." (from the AA preamble)

Sometimes I don't know if I qualify. Sometimes I don't want to stop. I just want to drink, and be blissfully minimally conscious, and play my computer game, and not deal with the world.

I have to quit drinking. Not for anyone else, not for my physical health, for my own sense of myself. I'm not someone I like and respect anymore. I've lost that, and I'm not going to get it back unless I quit. Really quit. Not for a week or two, or a month, like before. I have to quite drinking. I want to quit drinking. I want to again be someone I like and respect.

"Do I contradict myself? Very well, I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes." (Walt Whitman)

Anyway. Antabuse. If I want to quit drinking, if I really do want to quit, is there any reason I shouldn't be taking it?

I'm not going to drink while I'm on it, and hurt myself. I know that. If I do anything, it'll be deciding to stop taking it so that I can drink two weeks later. And here's the thing -- currently, if I have booze in the house, I'll drink it. I've stopped even trying to engage in that struggle. If I don't have booze, then I have to avoid buying any until 11 pm, when the liquor stores close. Every night that I make it to 11 pm, I feel a sense of relief. The option to drink is removed, so the struggle is gone. Not once have I made it to 11, then regretted not buying booze before the deadline. If the state of Massachusetts passed some strange law prohibiting the sale of alcohol for the next two weeks, I would welcome it.

But I don't know. Maybe at some point I would stop taking it, so that I could relapse. I can't sit here and (honestly) swear that I know I'm not going to do that. Maybe I would. Maybe I don't really want to quit, I'm playing at quitting, so I can have my self-respect and still have my booze, the best of both worlds.

Yeah, that "large, multitudes" thing again.

And somehow there's a thought that quitting with Antabuse wouldn't be "really" quitting, that's it's a chemical crutch, that the way to get my self-esteem back is to face the Beast in the arena, mano a mano, and vanquish it with ... will-power and white knuckles? That's worked oh so well for the last 18 months. Or maybe it's that Antabuse doesn't feel like a permanent solution, just a postponement of the whole mano a mano bit, that combat will still be lurking, waiting for me to decide I'm all better now and I can stop taking the pills.

Or I think of it in terms of the proverbial angel and devil on my shoulders, arguing in my ears. Antabuse would destroy the devil's best argument, "Sure you swore this morning that you weren't going to drink today. But that was this morning! Why should that decision be binding over what you do now? C'mon, let's get a bottle, and worry about it tomorrow." Right now, the angel has to stay always on top. If the devil gets the upper hand for 15 minutes, that enough time to get to the booze store. On Antabuse, the devil's argument is much weaker, long-deferred gratification, so he has to stay in control for many days on end. If the angel surfaces even intermittently, and takes the pill, then the devil's clock is reset.

If I want to quit drinking, if I really do want to quit, is there any reason I shouldn't be taking it? I think I'm talking myself into asking for the prescription....

'Nuff for tonight. I'd appreciate any thoughts or feedback, or just a :l.

thanks,
lilnev

[startingover]

I have to quit drinking (thoughts on Antabuse)

Hi Lilnev,
I have never taken antibuse, but I believe that anything that helps anyone on the road to recovery is a good thing. Maybe with some af time under your belt, it will clarify where you want to be.
I think you are thinking too much into the future if that makes sense, would taking things more slowly help you do you think? So take the antibuse and see where it takes you? It may well be your saviour. Never give up giving up...
Here is a big hug for you ((((((((((((((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))))))))))))

[Marshy]

I have to quit drinking (thoughts on Antabuse)

Hi llnev,

I think it would be a good idea to talk to your doc about it and if they give you a prescription for Antabuse you at least have the choice of whether to take it or not.

As for taking it... I took it for three/four weeks initially when I was finding it very difficult to string AF time together. It established something of a solid base for me to continue working on without taking Antabuse. But I would have carried on taking it for months if necessary. I still have some for "emergencies" but I haven't needed to take it for months because now my head is in the right place to deal with thoughts of drinking (mostly!).

What worked for me was that it totally takes way the possibility of drinking. Like you, I would never "test" it. Scary! So the whole thought about drinking was removed for me, and it gave me some breathing space to start working on improving other areas in my life, building a foundation for the future, all the while starting to feel a little bit better every day because I wasn't drinking. I gave me time for my thinking to start adjusting, to begin looking at the whole issue differently because I was temporarily removed from the daily madness (as you say, like a law prohibiting alcohol - what a relief!).

I'd say: go for it. If you decide you don't want it to be a permanent solution, it doesn't have to be. No harm in trying it, is there?

Love the Walt Whitman, by the way.

[matthen]

I have to quit drinking (thoughts on Antabuse)

I took antabuse and my experience is similar to that of Marshy. I don't take it now but I am 8 months sober and I am pretty sure that without antabuse I might still be drinking. When you take antabuse in the morning the "argument" is finished for the day. What a big relief that is. I hope you do talk to your doctor about it. Good luck -- you are moving forward!!!!