I re-read a bunch of recent posts and realized I am fair-weather poster. I don't come here very often anymore, but the times I do come are when I'm approaching a milestone and know that this the place I can share it and people will be happy. I don't go around telling my clients and neighbors I'm 4 months or 5 months AF. They don't get it.
I am thankful for those who are doing well and continue to come here regularly to support others. I should do more - I got so much out of this site and I should return the favor. I'll try to do better.
Someone posted in one of the threads recently that those who are several months AF don't share the struggles - it's all rosy. I thought I'd share my thoughts. I am almost 6 months AF - Feb 25 will be. I did 90 days last year and then tried to mod. Fell off hard and struggled. I had a night in August when I thought I was going to die and I have been AF since.
Struggles? At first they were physical of course. Those went away eventually and because I was so scared after what happened in August, I didn't let them bother me as much.
What do I struggle with now? I miss the "idea" of alcohol still. The physical cravings are gone, but when out with friends and they're talking about how nice the wine is or what a cool new beer, I miss that. I want to be part of that. There are events - wine tastings and beer tastings - that just aren't open to me now. Why pay $65 to drink water? I love to cook and think about what wine would go well . . . but I can't have it. About a month ago I made mushrooms and my husband had a red wine open - I put some in the mushrooms and then got scared it would cause some kind of crazy reaction in my so I cooked those babies to death! Didn't taste it at all - no wonder!
Tasting alcohol on my husband's breath when he drinks still isn't very comfortable and it invokes feelings of guilt still - how many times did he taste my nasty mouth when I thought I had hidden the fact that I'd been drinking? He doesn't drink very often so it's not a huge deal, but the icky taste plus the guilty feelings still aren't pleasant.
In the back of my mind, I'll ask myself if I ever think I'll be able to drink again. Not as often now, but I wonder about it - 10 years from now will I try?
My sister will be getting married later this year. She already said she'll have sparkling grape juice for me to make my toast. Me and the kiddos - I'm ok with that, but it's another feeling of shame - why can't I be normal? I accept it and joke about it, but the guilty feelings of years of abusing my body, abusing those I love with my verbal rants, dont' go away very easily.
I struggle with what to tell my daughter about my alcohol abuse and when. I want to warn her - I want her to know about the family history and I want to teach her to be very careful. What is the right age to be open about my abuse and how much? I have a few years before the teen years are here, but it's something to think about.
So, that's all I have for right now. The struggles I face now are very different from the day to day battle of "will I drink today." or "I'll just have one" or "I made it two days so I can have a drink (or 10) today." They're not as life or death, but there are struggles and fears of relapsing and still re-living and trying to heal from guilt. I'll try to remember to post more as these things come up and I'll try to think back to my days of the more intense daily battle and be here more to offer a hand to others the way many did for me.
Hugs to everyone here - wherever you are in the struggle.
I am thankful for those who are doing well and continue to come here regularly to support others. I should do more - I got so much out of this site and I should return the favor. I'll try to do better.
Someone posted in one of the threads recently that those who are several months AF don't share the struggles - it's all rosy. I thought I'd share my thoughts. I am almost 6 months AF - Feb 25 will be. I did 90 days last year and then tried to mod. Fell off hard and struggled. I had a night in August when I thought I was going to die and I have been AF since.
Struggles? At first they were physical of course. Those went away eventually and because I was so scared after what happened in August, I didn't let them bother me as much.
What do I struggle with now? I miss the "idea" of alcohol still. The physical cravings are gone, but when out with friends and they're talking about how nice the wine is or what a cool new beer, I miss that. I want to be part of that. There are events - wine tastings and beer tastings - that just aren't open to me now. Why pay $65 to drink water? I love to cook and think about what wine would go well . . . but I can't have it. About a month ago I made mushrooms and my husband had a red wine open - I put some in the mushrooms and then got scared it would cause some kind of crazy reaction in my so I cooked those babies to death! Didn't taste it at all - no wonder!
Tasting alcohol on my husband's breath when he drinks still isn't very comfortable and it invokes feelings of guilt still - how many times did he taste my nasty mouth when I thought I had hidden the fact that I'd been drinking? He doesn't drink very often so it's not a huge deal, but the icky taste plus the guilty feelings still aren't pleasant.
In the back of my mind, I'll ask myself if I ever think I'll be able to drink again. Not as often now, but I wonder about it - 10 years from now will I try?
My sister will be getting married later this year. She already said she'll have sparkling grape juice for me to make my toast. Me and the kiddos - I'm ok with that, but it's another feeling of shame - why can't I be normal? I accept it and joke about it, but the guilty feelings of years of abusing my body, abusing those I love with my verbal rants, dont' go away very easily.
I struggle with what to tell my daughter about my alcohol abuse and when. I want to warn her - I want her to know about the family history and I want to teach her to be very careful. What is the right age to be open about my abuse and how much? I have a few years before the teen years are here, but it's something to think about.
So, that's all I have for right now. The struggles I face now are very different from the day to day battle of "will I drink today." or "I'll just have one" or "I made it two days so I can have a drink (or 10) today." They're not as life or death, but there are struggles and fears of relapsing and still re-living and trying to heal from guilt. I'll try to remember to post more as these things come up and I'll try to think back to my days of the more intense daily battle and be here more to offer a hand to others the way many did for me.
Hugs to everyone here - wherever you are in the struggle.
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