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[boozehag]

Lately since AL has taken a back seat in my life I have started to think more about the ?why? of my drinking problem. I mean the whole recovery thing is very like the addiction itself in that it is very self absorbing and you can focus on the recovery without thinking about anything else. Lately though I have spent less time thinking about the day to day recovery process itself and this has lead to an inevitable bit of soul searching and I have to be honest I don?t really like what I am discovering or feeling. The main realization that I have come to is that I am a serial avoider and I have taken the cowardly or easy way out most of my life. But what am I actually avoiding? Have I been using AL to avoid the pain of facing up to my failings ? probably. If so why are my expectations of myself so high. These feelings or thoughts are involuntary and I would really prefer to avoid them if I could but I haven?t got any substances that I can use to avoid feeling these things. See! In a way when I should be most pleased with myself for getting this far I discover that deep down I am disappointed in myself as I realize what a cowardly way I have lead my life to date.
Anyway I just felt I needed to get this out and this is the only place where I can really do that. Thoughts would be appreciated especially suggestions on any legal non addictive substances that I can use to avoid having these feelings! Mostly I am a positive person but I feel that the day of reckoning has come and I have to face up to myself, figure myself out and do some truthful self improvement whatever that involves. Thanks for listening.:thanks:
BH

[sunshine_gg]

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Darling, are we related?

I totally understand what you're saying!

[kipper]

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Hi BH, I can identify with these feelings as well.

I reckon they are (hopefully) signs of increasing mental health and a desire to grow/become more self-aware/responsible...

Maybe, just maybe, we need to try to ride them out and see where they take us, instead of following our natural inclination as addicts to "avoid" that which seems uncomfortable?

Thanks for starting this thread. Hang in there. :h

[Angelcakes]

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Hi BH(no more) I've been wondering where you were lately...ugh, emotions huh?? Who'd have 'em???
You put down some huge points and I'm no guru...all I can say is that you've come such a long way & for the first time you're really getting to know yourself...it's a beautiful thing (even if you don't feel it right now) Imagine all those people out there who never get out of the booze trap...never get to even consider the journey you're on. I don't know what I'm saying here...be kind to yourself, I'm sure someone else would suggest therapy or something.
Sorry I'm not really any help.

Oh, and if you're serious about finding a legal, forgetting drug then have a look at Startingovers very brave post about painkillers - totally legal, and they've got you by the short & curlies before you even know it.

xo

[nancy]

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Hi Boozehag,

You bring up a lot of deep issues here so it's hard to give an adequate response.

If you beat the booze problem you are not really a coward or an avoider are you? So that is not an accurate perception of yourself.

Now about the avoiding things generally prior to your recovery... that is just a sign of the way we are all brought up. We are taught to avoid pain and when we are young we dream of things lasting forever (like marriage), when they don't. It leads to a huge amount of disappointment and avoidance behavior. I read in a Buddhist book somewhere that one of the obvious signs of our denial is the way we deal with death, dressing people up and putting makeup on them as if they were a live and visiting them in a wake!

Where I am going with all this is that I have learned a lot through reading about Buddhism and mindfulness. Did you read WIP's amazing meditation thread?

I think you are just human is what I am trying to say.

It's much better to face up to the pain than to try to hide it and I really think we can teach ourselves to do that gradually in meditation. But please, give yourself some credit for what you have achieved.

[tawnyfrog]

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The Buddhist notion of "Impermanence" helped me immensely in coming to terms with 'stuff'. It took me a long time to understand and apply the principles. Still working on it but things are becoming clearer. A lot clearer.

[kaponium]

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BH - me, I just find I HAVE HAD to keep it all simple. I pick up a drink and, it is black and white, every time a coconut, as they say - shit inevitably happens.
All the searching in the world as to why, will not change that for me - but each of us has our own journey....
I am just dam glad to know you! You are a truly grand human being and recoverin alko....
Tons of love x

[Marshy]

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Hi BH

Have you thought about counselling? Geez, I seem to be recommending it to loads of people lately like some sort of "counselling pusher" but I found it helpful... up to a point.

After a few months of giving up booze, I had lots of uncomfortable emotions surfacing that I could no longer drink away (I did consider drugs - illegal in my case! - but decided that wouldn't actually solve anything). So I went to see an alcohol counsellor. It was a slow process (which I found frustrating - I wanted all the answers "now!") but gradually, over the weeks, it forced me to think about things, confront uncomfortable emotions and gain some insight into what I was feeling and why - and start to come to terms with that.

It wasn't a cure all. There's still other stuff I am doing/need to do to "fix" things. And maybe I'll never be totally fixed, but counselling was one part of the jigsaw of healing for me.

[boozehag]

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Thanks everyone.
Nancy - I had to give up the booze otherwise I would have died - so I was avoiding death!
I have seen WIP's mediation thread but I think I have adult ADHD and dont think I could sit still long enough. I will give it a shot though.
I suppose I have always hid behind the bottle - the good time gal etc but it eventually bit me on the ass. I have always wanted the quick fix or the instant gratification (which AL gives in glass fulls) and I suppose a bit of hard work on self is now required to move onto the next step.
Onwards and upwards team!
BH

[startingover]

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Boozy, I think I know how you feel, I feel similar from time to time...then I put some work in and it goes for a while...I too will avoid just about everything if I can. Counselling might be a good idea as Marshy said, I had it and it did help.

[DeeBee]

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BH meet OSTRICH!
This is my typical pose, head in the sand and pretend nothing is wrong whilst sh*t hits the fan around me.
Altho after reading Nancy's post, I have to agree, it takes courage to beat AL.
I joined Wips meditation thread and highly recommend it.

[A Work in Progress]

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BH, as others have mentioned, mindfulness (including but not limited to formal sitting meditation) is really helpful with this stuff. And, I get it about the ADHD, and/or restlessness. Actually, there is some excellent research going on at UCLA, involving teaching mindfulness to folks with ADHD. It seems to be very helpful (not surprising since it is a form of attentional training). But I understand that the idea of sitting still for lengthy periods of time might seem very daunting or not even possible. You might find walking meditation, or some other practices (PM me if you are interested) to be a better introduction to this stuff than trying to sit still... or start with just sitting 5 minutes...

I think all humans are "avoiders" of pain, including painful truths about ourselves. DB posted a wonderful quote about this today in the "90 Day Challenge Meditation" thread... I wrote some about that there, today, too. And, like Tawny Frog mentioned, learning to see all this stuff (feelings and judgments about ourselves) as transient, impermanent, instead of as so much of a very big deal... can be incredibly helpful.

And a book I always recommend for learning to live with ourselves is: Emotional Alchemy, by Tara Brach Goleman (interestingly, she's married to Dan Goleman, the "Emotional Intelligence" guy).

[Angelcakes]

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That 'instant gratification' thing is a doozy...I think it's probably a combo of human nature & environment that we always want the quick fix. But time & time again we're told that the long term results are much more deeply satisfying - I believe this to be true.
Love ya mate.
xo

[Evie.Lou]

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BH as i was reading your thread the book USEFULNESS came to mind...I will bump the thread that i wrote about this book and others that were written about connecting to your higher purpose...take a look and PM me if I can help in anyway.
I counsel people almost daily that are looking for their souls purpose...it is one of the most common issues i deal with in my ministry.

[bestlifeldms]

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BH, Let me first say, you are a brave and successful soul for having beat both booze and nicotine! I think it is initially natural for us, having used alcohol in the past as a way to "escape" unpleasant things, including our feelings and emotions, to look for an alternative substance. Many drug addicts, turn from drugs to alcohol to bridge their steps from addiction to sobriety. However, sobriety means just that... New things are always uncomfortable for humans, but that does not necessarily make them bad. Feeling our emotions, as relates to a negative circumstance in a life situation, are the motivation that SHOULD cause us to search for a positive solution to that problem. Rather than using alcohol or other substances to temporarily escape, as newly sober individuals we should sit with those feelings and process our options which will eventually lead us to an acceptable solution. Keep on keepin on! You are an inspiration!!!